Saturday, March 22, 2014

My 36 Celebrity Lovers

Lindsay Lohan's recent note listing all of the celebrities that she has banged inspired me to do some soul searching myself. Or at least, it inspired me to look back on the good times (and bad times...) She claims to have slept with Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake and even Heath Ledger. Well, Lindsay, my sweet child, you are not the only one who has gotten a piece of celebrity ass. I have had my fun, as well.

Here is my list of the 36 celebrities I have made sweet, passionate love to.

Chris Pine

I know what you are thinking, "why would she settle like that? She can do so much better." And the answer is--"I know." He is not much of a looker. I am a little embarrassed, to be honest. It was a rough time. I was getting over a bad break up. We all make mistakes. The important thing is that we must learn from them.

Jared Leto
After his recent Academy award win, who do you think was there with open legs?
He even let me cornrow his luscious locks after we cuddled with his Oscar. I even put some beads at the end to give it that extra "je ne sais quois."

Steve Buscemi
Steve Buscemi is a very giving lover, I will have you know. He knows what a woman wants in the bedroom. 

Hey, do not knock him 'til you try him, ladies.

Channing Tatum
This was actually a really funny story. We met at the library. It was the oddest, oddest thing. Channing was, like, deep into reading A Tale of Two Cities (or was it See Spot Run? I can't remember), and I happened to have been searching a nearby section for some literature on genital warts. We had this palpable deep, emotional connection, so I obviously took to blowing him in the Young Adult section. We then consummated our love later on that night while watching his finest work, Step Up 1.

Brody Jenner
Total douche. Small weiner. But has really, really fluffy pillows. I never did get the name of the brand.

Justin Bobby
This was at a very confusing time in my life and to make matters worse I did not quite know his name. I was balls deep in an existential crisis of my own and in the midst of us thrusting, I would rotate between calling him Justin, Bobby or Justin Bobby. Who are you even? I asked myself the entire time. But more importantly I asked, who am I? Why am I? How am I? What is sex? Why is the human race so disgusting?

It all kind of killed the mood, to be frank.

50 Cent

Let's just say, Fitty kept all of his promises. He took me to the candy shop AND he even let me lick the lollipop. 

Cesar Milan
I would say that Cesar was a decent lover. However, I would have liked a little more variety. He (strangely) was strictly a "doggy-style only" kinda guy. Cesar, you are probably taking the whole "dog whisperer" thing a litttttle too seriously.

Paula Dean
I feel like this rendez-vous took 5-10 years off of my life (I expect the heart disease to start setting in soon). I will, however, attest that she really does like to use the n-word in bed quite a bit. It was rather disconcerting.

Ryan Gosling
Yeah, whatever. Hit it and quit it.

Nicholas Sparks
Boning all of the men from Nicholas Spark's cheesy movies/books was just not enough for me. I craved more. I needed more. So, I went right to the source and banged Nicholas Sparks himself. 

He also does not have any gifs on the internet. 

Bill Clinton
He will deny everything but I had that. Yup, Monica Lewinky's sloppy seconds. Proud of it, bids. Hillary even gave me her blessing.

Zac Efron
Lindsay Lohan is not the only bitch who had this fine piece of arse.

He even bought me a Big Mac. I bet he NEVER did that with Lindsay.

Guy Fieri
This was right around the time that I bagged Paula Dean, actually. I was on a Food Network kick. I would say as far as lovers go, Paula Dean was definitely my better choice.

All 5 One Directioners
Stop being a pervert, it was not all at the same time! I am a lady, dammit. 

Not to blow up his spot, but let's just say that Harry Styles has an elbow fetish.

Kevin Jonas
I may or may not have popped his cherry. Truth is out. Sorry, Kev. Your promise ring was a lie.

Carlton Banks
But then again, who has not been there?

Stephen Hawking
This was during my experimental phase. I also was trying to learn a little bit more about string theory. We made a deal: one lesson about string theory in exchange for 2.5 over-the-pants hand jobs. Good times. 

Taylor Swift
Ever have hate sex? I have.

This was during my acid phase. This sexual endeavor really bit me in the butt. Long story short, but basically I was high as fuck and I mistook Tinky-Winky for my then-boyfriend, Teddy. It was not until the next morning when I turned over that I realized that I done-goofed big time. Needless to say, my boyfriend and I are no longer together.

Al Roker
It was right after the Thanksgiving parade of 2011. I was young, stupid and bored of the floats.

Katie Couric
I actually do not even remember this. I was completely blacked out but my friends told me I went home with her, after meeting her at some bar in Brooklyn. Sorry, Katie, I am sure you were great.

Roger from Jersey Shore
My grandest accomplishment. Forget all the others. Roger was truly the one who got away. We made love like they did in The Notebook. I hope that one day we can die at the exact same moment like Noah and Ally did too. Oh, Roger!

Lance Bass
...and I refuse to believe that he did not love it.

Clay Aiken
Okay, he definitely did not love it. 

Let's just say it ended with him in tears.

Hey Arnold
I was like 7 years old when this happened. Truth be told, all we did was hold hands.

Air Bud (almost)
He licked my hand once. I am not sure if that counts. I am gonna count it.

Alex Trebek
He made me ask, "what is: missionary position?" before we were allowed to do it. We also had the Jeopardy music on repeat during the whole thing... it was not as sexy as it sounds.

Ruben Studdard
He WOULDN'T stop texting me. Total clinger.

Jeb Bush
The hotter one of the Bush brothers. Now HE is a man with a weapon of mass destruction. He should tell his brother that I finally found 'em!

Michael Lohan (Lindsay Lohan's brother)

Apparently Michael Lohan does not have any gifs either (lame). This happened many years ago, back when I went to school in good ol' Ithaca, NY.
We were both at a house party and our eyes met from across the room, as I gingerly sipped a cup of jungle juice.

We made love to Dave Matthews music all night long. It was absolutely repulsive.

Karl Pilkington

Early bird gets the worm.

Sexy times, my good bids. Sexy times, indeed.


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