Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I Can Deal With A lot But I Can't Deal With Stupid

I have dedicated the past two days of my life to the new season of Real Housewives of Miami. It's been hard work, but someone's gotta do it, right? I have been an avid fan of both Atlanta and Beverly Hills but have never explored the housewives in the other locations (New Jersey, Orange County, New York...etc). However, one would be surprised what a little boredom and a thirst for just a little more trash television in one's life will make one do. Okay wait, I lied a little bit. I have watched one episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Two words: "prostitution whore." I had to get that off my chest, not something I am proud of. But, you get the idea, I have dabbled very little in Real Housewives. However, I must tell you, I am SO glad that I did. I feel like I just made seven new friends.
I do not think people could get along less than these seven women. Are any of them even friends, I ponder? I think this overall dislike for each other just adds to the beauty of the season. Another interesting thing that should be noted about the Real Housewives of Miami is that really only two of them can be considered true housewives. The rest of them are not married and have careers outside of the home. This is a very interesting change of pace from the Beverly Hills crew I am familiar with but... I'm loving it.

 I will organize this post by going through each of these broads. They will be organized from favorite to least favorite. So, obviously, the first woman I will address is Elsa Patton. Technically, she is not one of the "Real Housewives," only a mother of one. However, she is beyond hilarious. I know this sounds quite exaggerated, but she might be among my top five people of all time.
I am not quite sure what is wrong with Elsa. It has been referenced a couple of times that she is some sort of a recovering alcoholic. But besides that, she seems to be somewhat deluded, kind of bat-shit crazy and completely amazing. The camera will cut to a scene where Elsa is alone in her house fanning herself and reciting monologues about "her future" and asking big questions like: "what has my life become?" and "why don't I have a man?"  Elsa spends her free time throwing rice at young people to help them "find love" and defending her (somewhat pathetic) forty-something year old daughter Marysol (but we'll get to her later). One thing you better not do is talk shit about Elsa's daughter. She will cut you, she will end you she--
Elsa's face does not move. The woman needs subtitles even when she is speaking english. I fear my description of Elsa does her no justice. If not for anything else, Elsa should be the main reason why you should watch this show. She is an enigma. Now onto my next favorite housewife. Everyone, meet Lea Black:
Yes you are Lea and I love you for it. Lea truly does not give a fuck and I always think this is a trait to be admired. Her introduction at the beginning of the show speaks to her character a lot: "I can deal with a lot but I can't deal with stupid." She must have a real issue with that blonde bimbo Joanna (...but I will get to her). What I love about Lea is that she is an absolute bitch and makes no apologies about it. She is one of the "real housewives" in the sense that she has no job and clearly lives off of her husband's success...but that's what this shit is supposed to be all about. She carelessly tells Marysol that her ex-husband left her after he received his green card. Although usually insensitive, Lea seems completely (and randomly?) destroyed by the death of her dog Leroy. LOL. What a complicated, complicated woman. 

For my next pick, the other true housewife of the show: Lisa Hochstein. Her husband is the top plastic surgeon in Miami, she says, and she is his best creation. 
I was skeptical about Lisa when we were introduced to her on the first episode of the season. She is completely fake. She's got botox, boobs, lipo, ya know, the works. She made herself sound catty, stupid and irritating. Shame on you, Jules. I will admit, I was wrong. Lisa is a funny gal. This goes to show that you can never tell a fake boob by its cover. Lisa remains one of the most likable out of all the ladies. She calms drama by dancing on stripper poles and enjoys spending time talking to her housekeeper Daisy and bathing her pet pomeranians (WHO DOESN'T LOVE A POMIE??). I have only nice things to say about Ms. Lisa, to be frank.
Next up: Adriana De Moura
Adriana is quite the Brazilian vixen and, apparently, a "Tweeter" enthusiast. This woman does not fuck around about her twats. Who can forget when Karent stole the show and posted the picture of...that artist... before Adriana even realized it. I have learned a valuable lesson from Adriana. One must always follow the correct twitter etiquette and protocol. The tragedy that she experienced should be a lesson to us all to act selflessly in our twatting, always.

In my opinion, the next woman is the most miscast person of the whole Real Housewives franchise. My next pick is Ana Quincoces. Ana is way too normal for this show. Not only this, she does not embody any of the typical "real housewife" traits. She kind of is just stuck in the middle of all the drama around her.
Leave Ana, leave while you still can. I am by no means calling Ana boring. All that I am saying is that she is far too classy and normal to be a part of this show (unless she is completely playing a part). Ana is not only an intelligent lawyer, but she seems a lot more grounded than the other women. She points out how the other women befriend certain people for their money and calls them out on being shallow. She even calls out the misogynist Thomas Kramer in his own house but then classily exits before the fight escalates out of control (an action that you would rarely see... a real housewife leaving the table before the fight gets out of control? UNHEARD OF!)
That'll do pig, that'll do.  Now here comes Elsa's daughter, Marysol Patton. Sorry girl, spotlight's on you now.
There is not much to say about Marysol, really. Her only storyline consists of her pathetically mourning her ex-husband who most of us do not know anything about (if you did not watch the first season...which no one did). If she is not whining about her divorce, she's whining about being confronted by Elaine. Elaine is a transexual who claims Marysol constantly talks shit about her to get her fired from various jobs. Marysol is probably the few people I know who will literally RUN away from confrontation of any kind. My thoughts on the matter is that she most likely is talking shit about Elaine and is scared of getting her bootay kicked by a grown ass man. She is probably the saddest of all the housewives. Girl needs to get a fucking grip, if I'm being real.

The final two women are my least favorites. It was really hard to choose who I disliked more because I really don't care for both of them. However, I landed on Karent Sierra for number six.  Here is our own little Jack Nicholson in real housewife form.
Karent is probably the most irritating creature I have ever encountered on reality television. Adriana is right for calling it "the joker smile." The woman does not stop. Her introduction was clearly inspired by everyone's distaste for her smile. She suggests, "If you do not like my smile then don't look my way." Karent, dear, I really try not to look your way but you are given way too much screen time. Even when she is being told that her sleazy boyfriend is most likely cheating on her, she keeps that smile plastered on like it is NO ONE'S business.
I JUST WANNA SMACK IT OFF HER FACE DAMMIT!!!! I also HATE HATE HATE going to the dentist, so everything about her is just bad news bears. 
Last and certainly least, is Joanna Krupa. Model, animal rights activist and professional moron.

Joanna was not always my least favorite, in fact, up until the more recent episodes she was one of my top picks. I was able to look past her stupidity and appreciate her for what she is. However, shit became personal. Not even her hotness and overall perfect face and body could save her from being on my shit list. Most of you probably forget this but I recollect a scene between her and her fiance Romain where she criticizes him for being a Scorpio *GASP*. That is a BIG no thank you. That is enough to land you on a Scorpio's bad side for life. She says, so sure of herself, "Scorpio is, like, the worst sign ever." You disgusting, disgusting person. Fucking Tauruses... I can't with them. Ignorant people. Joanna, I want you to think about what you've done, and really think about it.

*Sigh* I feel completely exhausted after this post. These seven girls tire me to the bone. I feel as though the life has been sucked out of me.
These women are all just so damn feisty but I truly, truly adore them. I hope that you will tune in to watch Real Housewives of Miami on Thursdays at 9/8c on BRAVO. You will thank me, trust me.

I hope all is well. Feedback, I want it. Big kisses.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

We Love Our Bread, We Love Our Butter, But most of all, We Love Each Other

Yes, I am quoting Madeline for those ignorant folk who have not read one of my favorite children's books of all time. Madeline was but one of the movies/books that gave me an illogical desire to be an orphan. As a child, I wanted nothing more in the world than to not have parents. Having parents was always a burden that I had to bear.
I'm just yanking your dicks. In fact, I am quite thankful for my parents. Which brings me to the topic of this post: Thanksgiving!
Yeahhhh mothafuckasss, break it down. Das WASSUH. This is a time to be thankful, this is a time to be loving... this is a time to be glutinous as fuck.
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Thanksgiving food isn't even close to my favorite foods. However, I think we can all agree that things are just more enticing in large quantities. ("The Costco Effect" for instance?) We could be eating pounds and pounds of shit, I'd still be just as giddy.
I can think of absofuckinglutely nothing better than stuffing your face until you are just a paralyzed, beached whale on the couch. You know, when you find yourself feeling both satisfied and ashamed. 
...but mostly satisfied. My car ride home is even more fun:
That being said, I want to go over some things I am thankful for this year. The first thing, and above all, I am (and everyone else should be) thankful for myself.
I don't know what I'd really do without... myself and more importantly, I don't really know what you would do without me. I fancy myself as something akin to God's gift to the world.
As if physique and looks were not enough, I've even got the brains to match (hence the URL of this website).
Some may think I sound cocky...but sorry I'm not sorry. The second thing that I am thankful for is hot people. 
Hot people are what make the world go round! Forget what you heard about intelligence or kindness, it's all about the bangin' bod and that perdy face.
Would it kill us all to be a little more like Queen Beyonce?
I have always had a massive respect for hot people and will continue until my dying day to offer them the love and attention they so desperately do not deserve. Come to think of it, I'd actually like to make a special shout out to Alexander Skarsgard.
For him, I expect us all to show tremendous gratitude. I am just so damn thankful. 
He educates the less fortunate looking people around the world about what it means to be beautiful. He has taught me time and time again that I am not worthy and I am forever indebted to him for this lesson. The third thing that I am thankful for is my phone.
As someone who is not a big fan of people in general, my phone allows me to maintain shallow communication and relationships with people that I never want to see or hear from. This way I can throw an "LOL" or a "yeah I hear ya, girl" in there every now and then instead of actually sitting around and listening to their "jokes" or "problems" and pretending I care.
Can you get over these people? Troubling me with their issues? Boring me with their gabbing? Don't they know who I am???
My phone allows me to remain anti-social and self-absorbed. JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!!!!!!
The last thing I am thankful for are ALL of the Real Housewives. 
Yes, even you Taylor Armstrong. I don't want you to feel left out or anything. These women MAKE my Sunday and Monday evenings. This week's episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta & Beverly hills were impeccable.
I have been thinking about it and have decided that these ladies are practically my sisters... my bosom buddies, if you will. They teach me what it is to be a "real" housewife. I must be unemployed, hire three nannies to watch one child, throw birthday parties for my three year old kid and not invite them to it, have at least three housekeepers, and fight with the other "real" housewives all day long. Thank you ladies. Your wisdom is priceless. 
Okay everyone, enjoy your Thanksgiving thoroughly! I hope you all dig deep just as I did to think about the things we should be truly thankful for. Check in for another post soon.
Make good choices!!!


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I Fought Too Hard for This Zip Code to go Home Now

Did Taylor Armstrong's introduction at the beginning of the new season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills make anyone else cringe? I mean, first I laughed a little but then I was like--fuck, that shit's too real. The reason, to be frank, is that Taylor really did work hard for that zip code. Last season's drama surrounded the abusive tendencies of her husband Russell. I can not say that I was surprised by such allegations. I knew that chap was no good from the moment I laid eyes on him the first season. This bitch can spot a creepist from a mile away. Go me!
When we were introduced to Taylor Armstrong the first season she explained to the viewer that she saw her marriage to Russell as "mostly business."
Now I ain't sayin she a gold digga... but actually, that's exactly what I am saying. She describes her upbringing in Oklahoma at the beginning of the first season as "working class." 
Tay was tired of being amongst the Plebeians so she took to Beverly Hills and married the richest creature she could find.  You know, every girl's fantasy. But yes, Taylor, I guess you did work hard for that zip code. Good for you?
From the beginning, knowing Taylor was such a gold digger, I was not a fan. However, I grew attached to her and could not help but feel bad for anyone in that type of abusive situation. With Russell's suicide gracing the news, I thought we had seen the end of Taylor Armstrong on the show. She was supposedly "distraught" and focusing on the well-being of her daughter Kennedy. I thought that was pretty cool and pretty uncharacteristic of the women of the Real housewives. Props Tay, I thought to myself. But then, she shows her face on the next season? I can not believe I am saying this but I expected more from that ho.
I am not one to get easily offended or really care about such things, but really? That shit is in poor taste ma fine hoes. Suckling every last bit of the media tit on this personal, traumatic matter is a no-no in my book. (THINK ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER KENNEDY! MORE IMPORTANTLY, THINK ABOUT YOUR LIL POOCH SNOWBALL!) I find the whole thing rather eerie. I felt the bad energy seeping through my television, almost. YIKES.
...Not like that stopped me from watching one of my favorite shows on television right now. It's true that Taylor Armstrong is but one of the women in the Real Housewives franchise who show "poor taste" and general pathetic-ness, to put it delicately. On a slightly different note, I find it is the women on the show with Bravo's best edits (in other words, the women that are edited for the viewer to like) are my least favorites. Case and point: Brandi Glanville. 
Brandi is constantly edited to seem over-the-top bitchy and "slutty" (their words, not mine).
Maybe it is me identifying with a fellow Scorpio but I am not buying such things. I appreciate Brandi as a straight shooter. Kyle's little comment at Lisa's party about loving to "see Brandi's face...both of them," I found laughable.
Kyle is the biggest fake and the biggest drama stirrer on the show. Brandi may be rough around the edges, but I would not call the girl two-faced. In this past episode we see the women talking behind Brandi's back about a joke Brandi had made about "knowing everyone in Beverly Hills" and "sleeping with everyone in Beverly Hills." Not only does Ms. Taylor Armstrong clearly take the joke out of context but fails to recognize it as a joke. A joke like ha ha ha ha ha?
So do not expect me to jump on the "hate on Brandi" bandwagon anytime soon. That bitch is ma bitch. I also very much appreciate the whole Lisa/Brandi duo. These are my two favorite housewives on the show, by far.
Oh wait, talkin' to me Kyle?
Glad, we have that settled. One last thing...this one is for Mauricio:
I think that is something we all can agree on. Remember, Kyle Richards, he will never emotionally fulfill you :).

Alright my little sexies. I hope all is well. Feel free to give me feedback on anything (good, bad or in between). And remember, an opinion can never be wrong, just as long as it is also my opinion.


P.S. Team Adrienne or Team Lisa?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Great Bieber Marks the Beginning of the Inevitable 2012 Apocalypse

No, your eyes do not deceive you. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber broke up. It's just like Britney and Justin all over again! What a roller-coaster ride of emotions.
I seriously thought these two were meant for each other. Nothing says love in Hollywood like buying a house together that you will never live in at 17. If you're a bird than I'm a bird, Biebs.
"If I was yo boyfriend, I'd neva let ya go. I can take ya places where you ain't neva been befo." Lies, Biebs. Straight up lies. But whatever, I mean, if I am being honest, as of late I have been more of Demi fan anyways but that is neither here nor there. What I am really trying to say is that things are looking prettttttttty bleak and I am here to alert everyone WITH CAPITAL LETTERS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!
First, Hurricane Sandy, then the nor'easter and finally... the fall of the Great Bieber. This is a perfectly acceptable time to panic. I was without power for eight whole days. That means no lights, no running water, no heat and *gasp* no interwebs. However, I was one of the lucky ones. Some lost their homes, their lives and/or their loved ones. BUT before the rest of us die, let's celebrate a little bit. We'll have a little fiesta, if you will.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, have you heard the new One Direction Album???? It's called "Take Me Home." I am not just saying this...but it's really good.
Bravo... BRAVA my little hobags. I absolutely adore these five numb nuts. Obamz even digs their shiz. I even considered writing a whole blog post on why I adore Niall Horan (I decided not to on account that it would be really pathetic). Nothing better than good looking boys without any brains.
Alright, calm down Ryan! There's enough Jules to go around for everyone!  Yeah and stop texting me, it's creepy bro. For your vaginal and/or penile (?) pleasure:
My favorite themes of One Direction videos are 1) They are always driving some vehicle or riding in one. 2) They are always jumping up and down because they do not know how to dance (would it hurt them to throw a "sprinkler" or a "raise the roof" in there??) 3) They dress like assholes. 4) Harry Styles thinks he's George Fucking Clooney. You're okay, Harry, but you need to calm your nipples.
On to the next order of business! Ke$ha haters, this is your cue to leave this page. I know people got mad beef with this ho.
The second thing I believe we should celebrate is Ke$ha's return! Yeah, she's trashy. Yeah, her music is stupid. Bla bla bla. I don't care, shut up. Her music is catchy as fuck and her new video is absolutely ridiculously stupid...and I love every bit of it.
There are a million and one things going on in this video. The most curious is Ke$ha casually lying in some animal furs. Happens to the best of us, I suppose?
Bitch stole mah look. I will let this one go but, girl, you better watch your back.
Anyways, I believe this trash music should be embraced, NAY, WORSHIPPED. I'm getting ahead of myself but I think you get the idea. I think the final thing we should celebrate is Big Bird. PHEW, that was a close one!
Not gonna lie, we dodged a few bullets there. Luckily, Sesame Street armed Big Bird with a bullet proof vest to survive the wrath of Romneypoo.

That is it for now my little lovelies. Until next time!

Stay sexy,

XOXO Jules