Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I Can Deal With A lot But I Can't Deal With Stupid

I have dedicated the past two days of my life to the new season of Real Housewives of Miami. It's been hard work, but someone's gotta do it, right? I have been an avid fan of both Atlanta and Beverly Hills but have never explored the housewives in the other locations (New Jersey, Orange County, New York...etc). However, one would be surprised what a little boredom and a thirst for just a little more trash television in one's life will make one do. Okay wait, I lied a little bit. I have watched one episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Two words: "prostitution whore." I had to get that off my chest, not something I am proud of. But, you get the idea, I have dabbled very little in Real Housewives. However, I must tell you, I am SO glad that I did. I feel like I just made seven new friends.
I do not think people could get along less than these seven women. Are any of them even friends, I ponder? I think this overall dislike for each other just adds to the beauty of the season. Another interesting thing that should be noted about the Real Housewives of Miami is that really only two of them can be considered true housewives. The rest of them are not married and have careers outside of the home. This is a very interesting change of pace from the Beverly Hills crew I am familiar with but... I'm loving it.

 I will organize this post by going through each of these broads. They will be organized from favorite to least favorite. So, obviously, the first woman I will address is Elsa Patton. Technically, she is not one of the "Real Housewives," only a mother of one. However, she is beyond hilarious. I know this sounds quite exaggerated, but she might be among my top five people of all time.
I am not quite sure what is wrong with Elsa. It has been referenced a couple of times that she is some sort of a recovering alcoholic. But besides that, she seems to be somewhat deluded, kind of bat-shit crazy and completely amazing. The camera will cut to a scene where Elsa is alone in her house fanning herself and reciting monologues about "her future" and asking big questions like: "what has my life become?" and "why don't I have a man?"  Elsa spends her free time throwing rice at young people to help them "find love" and defending her (somewhat pathetic) forty-something year old daughter Marysol (but we'll get to her later). One thing you better not do is talk shit about Elsa's daughter. She will cut you, she will end you she--
Elsa's face does not move. The woman needs subtitles even when she is speaking english. I fear my description of Elsa does her no justice. If not for anything else, Elsa should be the main reason why you should watch this show. She is an enigma. Now onto my next favorite housewife. Everyone, meet Lea Black:
Yes you are Lea and I love you for it. Lea truly does not give a fuck and I always think this is a trait to be admired. Her introduction at the beginning of the show speaks to her character a lot: "I can deal with a lot but I can't deal with stupid." She must have a real issue with that blonde bimbo Joanna (...but I will get to her). What I love about Lea is that she is an absolute bitch and makes no apologies about it. She is one of the "real housewives" in the sense that she has no job and clearly lives off of her husband's success...but that's what this shit is supposed to be all about. She carelessly tells Marysol that her ex-husband left her after he received his green card. Although usually insensitive, Lea seems completely (and randomly?) destroyed by the death of her dog Leroy. LOL. What a complicated, complicated woman. 

For my next pick, the other true housewife of the show: Lisa Hochstein. Her husband is the top plastic surgeon in Miami, she says, and she is his best creation. 
I was skeptical about Lisa when we were introduced to her on the first episode of the season. She is completely fake. She's got botox, boobs, lipo, ya know, the works. She made herself sound catty, stupid and irritating. Shame on you, Jules. I will admit, I was wrong. Lisa is a funny gal. This goes to show that you can never tell a fake boob by its cover. Lisa remains one of the most likable out of all the ladies. She calms drama by dancing on stripper poles and enjoys spending time talking to her housekeeper Daisy and bathing her pet pomeranians (WHO DOESN'T LOVE A POMIE??). I have only nice things to say about Ms. Lisa, to be frank.
Next up: Adriana De Moura
Adriana is quite the Brazilian vixen and, apparently, a "Tweeter" enthusiast. This woman does not fuck around about her twats. Who can forget when Karent stole the show and posted the picture of...that artist... before Adriana even realized it. I have learned a valuable lesson from Adriana. One must always follow the correct twitter etiquette and protocol. The tragedy that she experienced should be a lesson to us all to act selflessly in our twatting, always.

In my opinion, the next woman is the most miscast person of the whole Real Housewives franchise. My next pick is Ana Quincoces. Ana is way too normal for this show. Not only this, she does not embody any of the typical "real housewife" traits. She kind of is just stuck in the middle of all the drama around her.
Leave Ana, leave while you still can. I am by no means calling Ana boring. All that I am saying is that she is far too classy and normal to be a part of this show (unless she is completely playing a part). Ana is not only an intelligent lawyer, but she seems a lot more grounded than the other women. She points out how the other women befriend certain people for their money and calls them out on being shallow. She even calls out the misogynist Thomas Kramer in his own house but then classily exits before the fight escalates out of control (an action that you would rarely see... a real housewife leaving the table before the fight gets out of control? UNHEARD OF!)
That'll do pig, that'll do.  Now here comes Elsa's daughter, Marysol Patton. Sorry girl, spotlight's on you now.
There is not much to say about Marysol, really. Her only storyline consists of her pathetically mourning her ex-husband who most of us do not know anything about (if you did not watch the first season...which no one did). If she is not whining about her divorce, she's whining about being confronted by Elaine. Elaine is a transexual who claims Marysol constantly talks shit about her to get her fired from various jobs. Marysol is probably the few people I know who will literally RUN away from confrontation of any kind. My thoughts on the matter is that she most likely is talking shit about Elaine and is scared of getting her bootay kicked by a grown ass man. She is probably the saddest of all the housewives. Girl needs to get a fucking grip, if I'm being real.

The final two women are my least favorites. It was really hard to choose who I disliked more because I really don't care for both of them. However, I landed on Karent Sierra for number six.  Here is our own little Jack Nicholson in real housewife form.
Karent is probably the most irritating creature I have ever encountered on reality television. Adriana is right for calling it "the joker smile." The woman does not stop. Her introduction was clearly inspired by everyone's distaste for her smile. She suggests, "If you do not like my smile then don't look my way." Karent, dear, I really try not to look your way but you are given way too much screen time. Even when she is being told that her sleazy boyfriend is most likely cheating on her, she keeps that smile plastered on like it is NO ONE'S business.
I JUST WANNA SMACK IT OFF HER FACE DAMMIT!!!! I also HATE HATE HATE going to the dentist, so everything about her is just bad news bears. 
Last and certainly least, is Joanna Krupa. Model, animal rights activist and professional moron.

Joanna was not always my least favorite, in fact, up until the more recent episodes she was one of my top picks. I was able to look past her stupidity and appreciate her for what she is. However, shit became personal. Not even her hotness and overall perfect face and body could save her from being on my shit list. Most of you probably forget this but I recollect a scene between her and her fiance Romain where she criticizes him for being a Scorpio *GASP*. That is a BIG no thank you. That is enough to land you on a Scorpio's bad side for life. She says, so sure of herself, "Scorpio is, like, the worst sign ever." You disgusting, disgusting person. Fucking Tauruses... I can't with them. Ignorant people. Joanna, I want you to think about what you've done, and really think about it.

*Sigh* I feel completely exhausted after this post. These seven girls tire me to the bone. I feel as though the life has been sucked out of me.
These women are all just so damn feisty but I truly, truly adore them. I hope that you will tune in to watch Real Housewives of Miami on Thursdays at 9/8c on BRAVO. You will thank me, trust me.

I hope all is well. Feedback, I want it. Big kisses.

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