Forget about all of the shit that is written about how to fuck like a stud. People are getting ahead of themselves. Let's start with the basics. Let's go back to the PG shit. Ladies, gentlemen and biddies of the nation, for the love of god, let's learn how to fucking kiss.
My first make-out session ever was the cliche bad time. I will call him Muhammad for the sake of privacy. The deed occurred at one of the only high school parties that I ever attended. After a few too many Coca colas, shit started getting weirddddddd. Muhammad took me to a lovely field of grass outside. Under the stars and among the musical stylings of crickets he proceeded to lick my entire face clean, kind of like my dog.
When I went to college, I made the usual freshman rounds of making out with a couple of randos. This is when I learned that my romantic night with Muhammad slobbering all over me was not anything to be proud of. Do not get me wrong, boys in college did not know how to kiss a bitch either. Either there was too much tongue, there was too little tongue, it was too loud, it was the wrong angle or...too garlic breath-y. I thought I had seen the worst but it was not until fairly recently that I discovered the worst type of kissing, the most perturbing of the mistakes. Biddies, I present to you: the "stiff tongue."
Second of all, the "stiff tongue" is the most offensive way of kissing a human being. All it does is cause confusion and ultimately de-bonifies the biddy.
Now let me describe to you the "stiff tongue" phenomenon. The subject, in this case it was Sparky, inserts their tongue into their partner's mouth (similar to how one would stick an erect dick inside a who-ha). Next, ya just kind of leave it there. Perhaps, at times make a few fast jerking motions with it, but essentially the subject believes his/her work is now finished. This is the "stiff tongue." It is a real thing. A real problem, if you will.
Offenders like Muhammad and Sparky are a serious problem. If you think about it, kissing is the foundation of coitus. Bad kissing is just the ultimate boner kill. The question now remains: can Muhammad and Sparky be saved? That, my good biddies, is the million dollar question. How do we tell these idiots that they suck without damaging their fragile egos. Men are delicate flowers, after all.
The best kiss I ever received was in the fine town of Ithaca, New York. I was drunk off of roughly 2.75 shots. I even remember the exact spot the magic happened. It was outside of the Terrace dorms. Pierre bestowed a gem of a smooch on me. I swear I saw fireworks. Sparks flew, gosh dung it. It was a real special night, real romantic and shit. Pierre, (your name is not actually Pierre-- well, to be honest, it could possibly be because I can not for the life of me remember your name) if you are reading this, I want you to know that you have given me the biggest gift of all. You have given me hope for the future. Hope for tomorrow and generations to come. For that, I am forever thankful
Until then, you can find me making out with my mirror. He never disappoints, never.
XOXO (emphasis on the X's this time),