Sunday, November 13, 2016

I Love Goooollllddddd

In some ways, it is a dream come true for me. America has done what it was inevitably destined to do: elect a reality television star as President of the United States of America. But mostly... it is my worst nightmare.
Donald Trump will be our president (much to his despair, judging by the look on his face during his recent meeting with Obama).
I am frustrated, not so much by the fact that we elected a reality television star, but because we elected, like, the worst one ever.  

America really went to the bottom of the barrel with this one, I mean really, really scraped it. For those (like me) who never found any interest in The Apprentice, let us look at Donald Trump's Real Housewives equivalency. In other words, if Donald Trump was a real housewife, his tagline would be something of this nature:
Now, I do not know much in this world (not a lot at all), but I DO know what a good real housewife tagline is...and what it is not. And let me tell you, this is bad. This is, like, worse than Kyle Richards bad.
I can see his storyline right now. Milania and him get into a huge fight because she misplaced his little box full of dead skin patches that he collects to eat later. Milania feels really bad about it and their relationship is tested. Words like "divorce" and "deportation" get thrown around. They both say things they do not mean (or do they?).
Yeah, I'm bored too.

So, bottom line, when you really look at the situation, rationally... from a Real Housewives perspective, America has made a dreadful, dreadful mistake by picking this president. And, frankly, we should all be very ashamed of ourselves. 

That being said, I am a problem solver. I am not going to just sit here and tell you what we did wrong. I am going to offer us solutions for future elections. I have compiled a list of reality television stars who I believe, whole-heartedly, would fair better as the leader of the free world. I truly hope America will be more thoughtful in future elections.

1. Paris Hilton's Dog Tinkerbell
Tinkerbell can truly teach us all a lesson about the importance of resilience. As an individual who has experienced and overcome great adversity in his life, he would be an excellent pick for our next president. I would, undoubtedly, trust him with the nuclear codes.

2. Spencer Pratt
Spencer Pratt will ultimately prove to be a perfect choice. America loves a leader who is in touch with their spiritual/religious side. The last thing we would want to see is a clear-headed, atheist running our shit. Spencer has his rocks and gems to guide him in both foreign and domestic affairs, very few can say the same.

3. Ramona Singer
America is sick of this passive bullshit. America wants someone to TAKE ACTION, and TAKE ACTION NOW. Ramona is that girl. We do not have time to be politically correct or think about the things we say or do that hurt others. No, we need someone to kick the shit out of whoever we think is the enemy in that moment and worry about the repercussions later.

4. Reza Farahan
...and what can be better than gay Gandhi? Answer: nothing.

5. Caroline Stanbury
Well, because I genuinely, truly adore the shit out of her.

6. Milania Giudice
I don't know about you, but I would rather see a Milania in the white house who has something to say. Real things, real problems and real concerns.

7. Phaedra Parks
...because she has a PHD in donkey booties... and our country needs more of those.

8. Kourtney Kardashian's Pool
It's lit.

9. GG's Knife Collection
Those motherfuckers would OBLITERATE our enemies. For real.

10. Chad from The Bachelorette
Um, cause if we are going to have a raging, misogynist, racist lunatic as our president... can you do us the smallest service of making sure that he's at the VERY least hot?

Here's to 4 (or 8) miserable years! 

Cheers America!



Sunday, June 12, 2016

God, Is My Dog A Sociopath?

And by God, I mean, this article that I found while perusing Yahoo.

Yahoo is always good for that. They always seem to post articles that are about 15 hours to 15 years behind the times.  But, it just so happens, that 15 hours to 15 years is about the time I start gaining interest in a subject that people have talked about for years! Yahoo gets me. Girl like Yahoo.
They also post articles that are usually factually inaccurate and irrelevant, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyways, I obviously clicked on this particular article because I was interested to see if I, myself, was a sociopath. This thought crosses my mind almost daily. But, then it begs the question, do sociopaths KNOW they are sociopaths? Doesn't the fact that I am so concerned about being a sociopath exonerate me from the whole thing?

But there I was, all caught up in myself, I realized I was forgetting about someone crucial in my life. Someone who is definitely completely and blissfully unaware of her sociopathic tendencies...

That person...well, kind-of person, is Rosie... my dog.

Let's review the 7 credentials you need to be a successful sociopath.

1. Compulsive liar.

Complete and utter liar that dog is. Sometimes, in order to get two dinners, she will try to pretend that she has not been served her dinner yet by wagging her tail and staring into your eyes longingly. Other times, she will bark and insist that she needs to drop a deuce outside, but once we get outside, all the damn dog does is piss. Lying little betch.

2. Emotional Detachment

Rosie has never been in touch with her emotions. From an early age I suspected that she had some real intimacy issues. I thought these stemmed from her rough upbringing at the local pound but now I do not know. If you want to cuddle with the pooch, she will blow you off like you have never been blown off before. She shows her emotions in only barks and more, no less.

3. Narcissism

The constant licking of the paws is a true sign of vanity and self-absorption. Does this ho only care about herself? I sometimes fear I have raised a monster. A cute, adorable monster.

4. A reckless attitude

Staggering into traffic, digging holes in the freshly mowed lawn with no thought to consequences? Sounds like reckless behavior to me.

One time Rosie even ate a whole bag of confectioners sugar...

and did not even apologize for it.
5. Anger

There is constant yelling and negativity coming from that one. I mean, I simply never know when she is going to blow up on me next. I could say we walk on egg shells around her, but she would just eat those egg shells right off the floor like the greedy son of a bitch she is. It really speaks to the state of mind she is in some of the time.

6. Manipulation

Nothing, I repeat, nothing is more manipulative than a cute, furry puppy. She uses her adorable looks to lure her predators in. By the end of her schemes, you will find yourself giving her dog treats and tummy rubs... just as she planned all along. Clever bastard.

7. A revolving door of friends

And finally, the final nail in the sociopath coffin: no friends! No dogs can stand her for more than a few seconds. Let's face it, she's just not a dog's dog!!!!!

Two weeks ago, she got into a spat with Penny (who was her very best girlfriend) and they have not spoken since. Then, she started a new friendship with Biscuit the following week, only to end it over a quibble about a large, desirable stick. Muffin is her newest friend but I doubt this will last more than a few days. They are already clashing on political issues.

Thank you Yahoo for shedding this important light on this situation. Thanks to you, Rosie will be getting the psychological help she so desperately needs. Why do people not give you enough credit for these thought-provoking news stories? Why did people ditch you for Gmail?

Oh wait, this is Gmail... awkward.

But thanks for the article, anyways.



Thursday, June 2, 2016

Will You Accept This Golden Dog Bone?

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I pride myself on not just the quantity of reality television I endure (and by "endure," I mean thoroughly enjoy), but also the quality. I do not discriminate based on race, creed or stupidity. I simply enjoy all types of scripted, reality television (as any self-respecting young biddy should).
I have fully immersed myself into the surreality that lives on channels such as: Bravo, MTV and Logo. However, recently, I ventured into a new low (or, some may argue, a new high): ABC. I think you know where this is going.
The Bachelorette is my newest reality television venture. Many have watched it for years. I have heard loud (and moronic) whispers of this one for as long as I can remember. Never, however, did I ever find the time to take it up until recently. With a lull in television soiling my late May, I had no choice but to turn to something that has worked for so many idiots, for so long.

Before you read any further, you should know that this is not a post dissecting the social, racial and blatantly sexist and abrasively heteronormative ramifications of the show. I will leave that to basically any Women's Studies major to delve into on their senior thesis. No, this post is much more important... and I have been dying to get it off my chest.

Okay, back to The Bachelorette. Most people know the premise: a girl (or guy) gets the chance to sort through, mull over and sleep with a gaggle of men or women. At the end of the season, that individual is forced to pick ONE true love.

Then, the guy is supposed to get on one knee and propose to this woman that he is madly and irrationally pretending to be in love with. 

Yes, the show is filled with note-worthy gifs and awkwardly staged circumstances that can light up anyone's day. But, the show is really lacking that... je ne sais quois...
...oh wait, never mind, I know exactly what it is.

That's right. Dogs.

While I was watching JoJo and Chad toss a penny into a wishing well (as one does) and proceed to make out while soft, sensual music played in the background, I realized that the premise of this show would not only WORK with dogs... but it would flourish. The show would instantly improve in all respects.

A dignified, courageous canine would get the once in a dog-lifetime opportunity to pick their owner. Each of the humans must compete for the dog's affections during various dog challenges, dog walks and dog outings. The dog, at the end of the season, will pick the human that they feel most comfortable with, the human that makes them feel the most at ease, the human who can give them the best belly scratches.
The first night in the dog mansion, the dog will choose four owners that need to leave from the get-go. These will be the stank-ass bitches who brought lousy ass dog treats (non-organic humans can get the fuck outta here). Those who are chosen by the dog to stay will each receive golden dog bones. 

After my enlightened vision of The Bachelor: Canine Edition, I thought, why stop here? Why stop here when there are so few dog reality television shows being made? Why stop here when there is a dire need for this dog niche to be filled?

For one thing, can someone give me a good reason why there is not ONE cooking show for dogs? Instead of "professional chefs" as judges, why don't we ask the true connoisseurs? The dogs, dammit.

Allow me to set the stage: four accomplished chefs will compete to please three strict pomeranians with sophisticated palates.
Only one chef will survive these grueling eliminations. The winner will receive a $50,000 reward to PETCO (where the pets go!).

Let us take a page from one of the real housewives' books and give reality television a much-needed facelift. A facelift involving the cutest, most adorable animals on the face of this earth. Who could object?

Answer: only a monster.