Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Return of Sluts

For the past couple of days, articles written by a certain fellow who goes by the pen name Tuthmosis have been gracing my Facebook feed. This quality gentleman writes for a blog that is called "Return of Kings." In case you do not know of it, if you read their information about their website, they describe Return Of Kings as a blog for "heterosexual, masculine men. It is meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine."
Ladies, gentlemen, Taylor Swift: prepare to be wowed by the genius that these masculine men bestow on us. For far too long we have heard the voice of the un-masculine man and the un-feminine woman. These poor men had their rights stripped of them and their voice taken. Well, now, now they are reclaiming what is rightfully theirs. 

Anyways, back to Tuthmosis (which not so cleverly was taken from the name of the third king of Egypt's 18th dynasty). The first article I read by him can be viewed if you click the link below:

Tuthmosis makes the claim that dating women with an eating disorder is the way to go. But hey do NOT get it twisted, he makes it absolutely clear what he is defining as an "acceptable" eating disorder. Although "obesity is in most cases, also an 'eating disorder,' this list doesn't apply to emotional eaters, food addicts and fatties with no self control." Okay, good, I was nervous for a second there that he was giving us ignorant advice.

The first reason why Tuthmosis advises his fellow kings to date a girl with an eating disorder is because  "Her obsession over her body will improve her overall looks."

Oh yeah, no kinks in that logic. The more work done, the better! Joan Rivers is absolutely glowing.

Reason #2: she costs less money.

Uh, binging costs a lot of money. Two gallons of ice cream a day adds up, my friend (she probably is buying the pricey kind too, especially if she is used to fine cuisine). I do not know what kind of cute, cheap eating disorders he has witnessed but he is sorely mistaken. 

Reason #3: She's fragile and vulnerable.

"The case has repeatedly and persuasively been made that an inflated ego and an unearned high self-esteem are among the most unattractive traits in a girl." He is so right. What the fuck is wrong with these girls having confidence and self-worth? Disgusting and selfish.

"An eating disorder often translates into the direct opposite: a girl who’s modest, fragile, and vulnerable. Instead of having to constantly wrestle with a difficult and obnoxious girl, you’ll be dealing with a tastefully insecure girl, who’s eager to please, and wants nothing more than your approval." Yes,  a girl who eats nothing but a raisin for two days and then binges on a bag of oreos and a gallon of oreos is perfectly, tastefully insecure. They are never irritable and annoying. They are not exhaustingly desperate for approval 24/7. Sounds like a fool proof plan, Prince Tuthmosis.

Reason #4: probably has money of her own.

In all seriousness, this is a fair assumption. Eatings disorders tend to fit under the umbrella of white girls problems. I will throw him this bone.

Reason #5: She's better in bed.

"It’s a well-known fact that crazy girls are exceptional in the sack." Ummm, if this was true, I should be practically magical at fucking. There should be pixie dust coming out of my fucking vagina. I am an actual maniac. Girls with eating disorders, he claims, have "just the right cocktail of pent-up insecurity, neuroses, and daddy issues to ensure that your whole building knows every time you’re beating it up." Aw, he's a romantic at heart.

A few days later I ran into an older article that he wrote to assist his fellow masculine men in order to spot the "sluts" in the crowd. After giving us a small, classy anecdote about allegedly fucking some girl he met on the internet, he gives us a list of warning signs.

Here are his cues. My biddy thoughts are in italics, obviously.

1. She has tattoos. Even if it is a tattoo of JChrist himself?

2. Piercings outside of the traditional earlobe placement. That's basically everyone I know. Cool.

3. Has "slut face." Uh oh, do I have it? How do I get rid of it?! Is there some kind of procedure for this shit?!??!?!?! HELP!!!!

4. Cusses a lot (especially fuck, pussy or cock). Fuck.

5. Not ticklish. Hold the fuck up. I am the most ticklish motherfucker around and even I would call myself a raging whore.

6. Broaches the topic of illegal drugs (even marijuana) without prompting. Guilty.

7. Has big tits. We were born this way, baby.

8. Shows excessive skin for weather conditions. How else are we supposed to maintain our tan?

9. Has extra body hair (arms, sideburns, girl-mustache) and/or low speaking voice. Nothing wrong with some corn-rowed arms.

10. Associates with confirmed sluts. My friends are all confirmed. They even signed contracts. They are deeply committed to sluttery.

11. Shows interest in girls, has "hooked up" with girls or claims to be "bi-sexual." I am tri-sexual, myself.

12. Is currently, or at some point, in a sorority. I think you are mistaking twats for sluts.

13. Has traveled alone, or with only girls, to fuck fest locations (e.g. Jamaica) Is Jamaica the fuck fest capital of  the world? I thought it was Maine!

14. Was a cheerleader in high school. Meh, I'm bored.

15. Went or goes to a known party college (e.g. Arizona State, USC, UC Santa Barbara). They should call them slut universities.

16. Lost her virginity on the younger side (15 and down). PHEW, I lost it on my 16th birthday. I'm in the clear!

17. Likes tequila or party drugs (e.g. Extasy/MDMA). Margaritas rock my cock.

18. Is "friends" with DJs, promoters, or other small-time pseudo celebs. When you blow them, they let you in for free. I don't see the problem.

19. Is an artist, or a wannabe "model" who has done "photo shoots."  ( . Y  .) look at my bewbs.

20. Broaches the topic of sex first. So what's your favorite sex position? I am partial to the butter churner, personally.

21. Has a bad relationship with her father and/or has divorced parents. My dad is so annoying.

22. Describes herself as a feminist or with any of its jargon ("pansexual," "demi-sexual," "cis-gendered"). What is cis-gendered? That sounds fancy.

23. Has an even, nice tan that she maintains. Tans are so goddam slutty.

24. Hair dyed a nontraditional color (e.g. blue). That is the ultimate slut move.

Tuthmosis, dear, I respect your right to speak. However, pardon my slutty language, I think you are a pussy. You are writing under a pen name so basically anyone with a vagina does not run to your house and torch it.


HAPPY slutting my good sluts.


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Ten Coffees a Day...

Keeps the doctor away? I feel like I can not leave my cute little canopy bed without hearing something about HEALTH CARE these days.
It just might be the biggest boner kill of all time. But be careful, your health insurance may not cover that Viagra. Last night's boner may have been the last one you will ever enjoy so I hope you made it worthwhile.

I think I am in the same boat as many other twenty-three year olds. I am not quite sure I understand what exactly is going to happen to my health insurance when I turn twenty-six. Until then, I will remain blissfully ignorant and spend as much time as possible frequenting the doctor's office. Paper cut? Callin' up the doc. Stomachache? Expect a visit or ten.
My doctor's office already has a special chair dedicated to me due to many years of what they claim to be "hypochondria." The one and only diagnosis that I will refuse to accept. As a side note: why do these numb nuts continue to not diagnose me with diabetes? They are so goddamn stubborn and selfish.

Changes in health insurance are enough to make any HEALTH AWARE (not hypochondriac, contrary to popular belief) individual absolutely bat shit crazy. Will I have to pay for this stupid Obamacare? What is Obamacare? Will I get a full time job in time? What will I have for dinner tonight? Why doesn't Ryan Gosling like me? So many questions, so little time.
I have decided that in light of us all losing our health insurance, it was my job as biddy queen to devise a set of tactics to survive what may be a health care-less, hopeless and prozac-less future.

1) Refrain from sexual activities of all kind.
Even masturbation. The risks are just far too high. Sex leads to pricey things like sexually transmitted diseases or even worse... pregnancy!!!!!! You need to be saving your pennies for the inevitable day we are all diagnosed with cancer or ALS. We do not have time for these hip little diseases like chlamydia and genital warts. Get your fucking shit together and keep it in your fucking (discounted) pants. Why no masturbation you ask? BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Refrain from doing drugs or drinking alcohol.
Yeah, drugs and alcohol are kind of awesome but you must stop using right this very instant. You can not afford to crash your car while you are high on molly (AGAIN), let alone the emergency room fees. You can not afford to get a liver transplant or the chemo therapy you will require for the lung cancer. Not to mention you will not be able to afford the lawyer fees for beating up YET ANOTHER dumb biddy who was hitting on your man meat piece. We biddies just can not afford to make these mistakes anymore.
3) Drink lots of alcohol and do lots of drugs.
On second thought, you are going to be losing your therapy sessions and happy pills. You are going to need those drugs for these trying times. There is no better friend than a bottle of wine, my good biddies. Don't you ever forget.

4) Do not eat a whole jar of pickles.
One pickle is enough sodium for a whole day. Do not eat the whole jar. Sodium is bad. Strokes are bad.

5) Do your nails often and well.
Manicures are good for the soul. Make sure you stay on the actual nail, though. A bad manicure can completely ruin your chi.

Happy doctor's visits my fellow biddies!


Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pretty Womyn

You got to give it to him, Bieber really knows how to travel. From being carried over the Great Wall of China by his posse (while they jerked him off and fed him shrimp cocktail) to banging multiple prostitutes in Brazil, he has really put Anthony Bourdain to shame. On the other hand, Brothels in Brazil?
Elementary Schoolers these days.

I guess it is unfair because I still have this vision of a pre-pubescent Bieber. I just think of him as this ittie bittie wittle baby. Babies do not sleep with prostitutes! It is just not a thing!!!!

Regardless, I am not hating on the Great Biebs for living the dream. His efforts will not be overlooked or underestimated in any way. And actually, one can even argue that Bieber is a philanthropist of sorts.
Think about it! Tween biddy juniors all over the country would pay JUSTIN to flick their bean for them, and here he is PAYING someone to fuck HIM. He is generous, charitable,... a good samaritan, if you will.

Okay, so enough about Bieber being the next Mother Theresa. I am thinking about the bigger picture here. Let me pose a provocative question. Is prostitution the way of the future? Is it the answer that I have been searching high and low for?
I mean, if prostitution is the new way to bang celebrities, where can I sign up? Can someone be so kind as to please direct me to the nearest brothel? For years people have been computing the formula for how to convince celebrities to sleep with them but these Brazilian ladies have outdone us all. Erase your Pi times vaginal diameter, divided by over the pants hand job equation. (Pi*vagD/OTPHJ)  It is all invalid. 
Groupies are too desperate. No one likes someone who is TOO willing to have sex with them. That's a total boner kill. I only want to bang people who SLIGHTLY want to have sex with me.

A sexual encounter with a prostitute is strictly for business and I truly believe Ryan Gosling will appreciate that. I would also like to let him know now (along with other hot male celebrities that I have pursued in the past) that I accept payments in Esse nail polish (I prefer darker colors, mainly but not limited to blue and green), gum (Big League Chew is always enjoyable) and eggless donuts. Otherwise, make the check out to Queen Biddy.

I will be standing on my street corner looking for famous Johns if you need me.


P.S. And no I did not misspell WOMYN #shoutouttomyfeminists

Monday, November 4, 2013

Trick or Treat, Smell My Vagina

Halloween has come and gone yet again. Last year the holiday was rained out in my town by Hurricane Sandy Vag. Perhaps Sandy Vag was onto something. Perhaps Sandy Vag was actually an act of Jesus H. Christ himself. In an effort to shield the tri-state area from the inevitable skankery that is Halloween, God sent us a big, raging hurricane to make sure that bitches kept their clothes on.
But this year we could not be so lucky. As Halloween approached, I knew what would grace the bars and my Facebook wall. I knew the atrocities that would be committed. I knew the boobage and vaginal sites that would unfold before my eyes. I knew of the 2 inch packages that would force themselves into my life and, furthermore, into my nightmares.

The dumb biddies did not fail to perform their task as dumb biddies. There was just about every single slutty costume possible. Slutty babies, slutty Harriet Tubmans, slutty Stephen Hawking (although that IS a little redundant), slutty Can Openers and slutty mc slutsluts. People have turned Halloween into something that it was never intended to be. Yeah, Halloween is a time for people to dress up and feel liberated to express themselves anyway that they want, (bla bla bla, insert everything Lady Gaga has ever said here) but it does not mean it is the day to express every bit of sluttiness that you are made up of. Boys: put on a shirt. Girls: put on your panties. I am unimpressed and slightly bored.
My siblings and I were known to rock a Halloween costume or two. My Halloween costume in third grade blew every fucking person out of the water. This bitch dressed like an old grandma and I looked fucking baller as fuck. The same year by brother was Santa Claus. He looked pretty baller as well. Just two ballers out trick or treating looking for some motherfucking candy, my hoes. That is what it is supposed to be about.

My brother, sister and I had absolutely no shame in our game when it came to trick or treating. We went hard, we played hard and we made no apologies about it.
You tell us to take one piece of candy, you are only wasting your breath. We would take as many as we damn please and you will not say shit about it. If you leave a bowl of candy out and say "take one please," you are looking to be disobeyed. We do not care if you asked nicely. It is a bowl of candy...and we are children. You do the math.
In our world, 4 o'clock was a perfectly appropriate time to begin trick or treating and midnight was a perfectly acceptable time to end. We were every old fart's nightmare. We were unrelenting and unstoppable. We were a huge pain in the ass to everyone in our town but... we got a shit ton of loot.
My mother, being a candy enthusiast herself, aided us on our mission to complete maximum trick or treating. She made sure we always doubled bagged (in case of rippage), she drove us to the areas that were the most heavily populated in Twizzlers and tootsie rolls and she always made sure we stayed hydrated.

I have always looked back on Halloween with fond, wholesome memories. Those were the days when it was all about Reeses and jujyfruits, not six packs and nipples. It was a simple time, it was a beautiful time. 

Anyways, that aside, I seem to have misplaced my foam finger over the weekend. And yes, I checked my vageen.

If anyone finds it, please it return it promptly.