Saturday, January 26, 2013

Bloody Tampon Snacks, Girl power and Shit

Does anyone hear the faint sound of the ocean? No wait, that's just the fourth wave of feminism splashin' our way.
Fret not, you are probably thinking what I am thinking. (Sick minds think alike).

I would like to think that we will all look back on this one day and know that it all started in Giovanna Plowman's bathroom. She was just a woman with a dream, a dream to eat her bloody tampon. Her timing could not be any better as we were just celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday. An innovator in her own right, I applaud you, Giovanna.

Awww it's amazing how I inspire people to eat their own bloody tampons! You're welcome 😘

Gloria Steinem is probably in some kind of feminist heaven after viewing Giovanna's trending youtube video. Perhaps the two can collaborate and add an extra section to Steinem's "If Men Could Menstruate." I imagine it being something like "If Men could menstruate they would eat their used tampons in a monthly menstrual soup." I don't know, ladies, that's your job. Not my problem.

I'm gonna be honest with you, I did not watch the video. I got a few seconds into it and then shit started getting real pretty fast. Once she started rummaging around downstairs, fishing out her tampon, Jules wanted OUT. There are a few things that disgust me more than anything in this world: raisins in my food, genital warts and menstrual blood. I just absolutely can't.
I know, you probably would not know I have such a distaste for the subject because this is the second post that has been almost completely dedicated to that time of the month (let me remind you of my Jersey Shore post which discussed Angelina's pad debacle in detail). Sidenote: if only the Jersey Shore house had recruited Giovanna, she would of cleaned up Angelina's pad, no problem.

Ladies, gone are the days where we must waste our pretty, overpriced Victoria's Secret bras in our monthly sacrificial brassiere bonfires. Here is a cheaper and more resourceful solution to our protests of the male patriarchy that holds us hoes down (hey, we are speakin' our minds, savin' our wallets AND helpin' the earth!)
Savin' shit is cool.

So raise your tampons girl pioneers for a toast. This is our time. Let us follow in the footsteps of our feminist sisters. Make Susan B. Anthony, Sojourner Truth and Eve Ensler proud. You will eat your used tampons and you will love it.

As for me, I'm good with the whole patriarchal, female subordination thing. I'm not trying eat any tampons here.


Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Five People You Meet In Hell

No this isn't a Mitch Albom sequel. This ain't no Tuesdays With Morrie shit. This is a list of the five people on my shit list. These are the five people I dislike the most. Yeah, this post is completely going against my New Year's resolution of NOT being a hater, but I fancy myself more of a "disliker" in this case. Besides, I plan on following this post with another one containing the five people I love most.

If you have a problem with this list. Let me tell you how many fucks I give...

Okay, now that we have that cleared up. I present to you (in no specific order) my five least favorite people at this given moment.


Ina Garten
A.K.A. the bitch on The Barefoot Contessa. Sidenote: pretty sure she is never barefoot. I hated this woman the moment I laid eyes on her. People give Paula Deen a lot of shit for being glutenous and just plain old disgusting but they obviously need to set their priorities straight. 5 cups of lard a day never hurt anyone. Ina Garten, on the other hand, is a very different story. What pains me the most about this broad is that the delicious food she makes contradicts her less than delicious, fake smile plastered on her face while she makes them. 
I have always been a very good judge of character, and my first impressions of Ina were proven to be correct when I heard direct EVIDENCE of her bitchiness. Apparently a young boy, made a request via the "Make A Wish" foundation (for those of you who do not know, this is a foundation for children who are dying of life-threatening illnesses that allows them to make one wish. For instance, pays for a trip to Disney World, pays for a cruise...etc) to meet Ina Garten. And what did she do? She refused. Ladies and gentlemen, in the words of Buckwild from Charm School, "If it smells like a bitch, looks like a bitch, tastes like a's probably a bitch."

Taylor Swift
Yes, you Taylor! You win fair and square!!! This next person should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have always made my opinions about Ms. Swift abundantly clear. I really, really do not like her. I will be the first to admit that I do enjoy some of her beats. I can dig "You Belong With Me" and you may even catch me shamefully listening to her new song "I Knew You Were Trouble" from time to time but this does not change my true feelings towards her. "BUT JULES!!! SHE'S SO WHOLESOME AND GREAT!!!"
Shut up, I do not want to hear the bullshit. I do not believe that any woman needs to be "wholesome" or whatever (I do not even really know what that means) but I hate the way she tries to play it up like she is this innocent little angel. Such an "excellent" role model for young girls blah blah blah. I don't buy it. I'd rather my girls grow up to be Lindsay Lohan quite frankly (at least they'd be keepin' it real yo). I don't care that Jake Gylenhaal broke up with you. If it was me, I would be happy if he let me just bone him once. Stop being greedy.

                                                                         Harry Styles
Here's another bloke that did a 180. When One Direction first came out I was quite into Harry. I was all "OMIGOD SEW KEWT" but now I can't stand the sight of him. This one is short and sweet. My aversion to Harry can be attributed to one thing and one thing only: he decided to betray my trust and date Taylor Swift. I rest my case.

Anne Hathaway
To be fair, I totally enjoyed this girl in The Princess Diaries. That movie used to be up there as one of my favorites of all time. Julie Andrews? I mean, seriously? Such a gem. But anything after that, I really just CAN NOT. I can't help but think that Anne Hathaway is some boot-leg version of Natalie Portman. Like, a really annoying, less-talented (but knows how to sing, apparently) version of Natalie. I know you think you are all that and a bag of chips, Anne, but the singing needs to stop.
I did not watch the Golden Globes and heard very little about it but I am pretty sure Anne won for best actress in Les Miserables. Hope in humanity officially lost.

                                                                       Kanye West
Hop off my dick. Kanye West is one of the most annoying people of all time. If you have not noticed a pattern among these people I so dislike, it is that they all are arrogant and egotistical. Kanye is the epitome of such. I am not impressed by anything that Kanye does. Yeah, I will listen to his music when I am bored, but that is the extent of it. He is nothing to scream about, and he is certainly not someone to care about. Not only that, this cat is angry about absofuckinglutely nothing. Stop running your mouth and just go back to turkey basting Kim Kardashian.
I'm over both of you and your fake relationship. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. Do you know how many fake relationships I have been in? All four years of high school, I fake-dated about ten college boys. They fake rocked my world.

I'm actually in a fake relationship right now, now that you ask...with Ryan Gosling.

Honorable Mentions:
Dick Cheney
My Fourth Grade teacher Mrs. Aiello
Scarlett Johanson
My oral surgeon
Carly from ICarly

Now that I have worked up a sufficient amount of bad karma, I leave all of you to go in peace. Stay tuned for my next post where I will try to reverse said bad karma and I will praise my five favorite people!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Wise Philosopher Once Said, 'I asked, I believed and I Recieved'

And by "wise philosopher" I mean Rhonda Byrne, the author of The Secret--but that's neither here nor there. The person I REALLY want to be talking about is among my favesies. It's the beautiful, the bodacious and the always classy Ms. Kim Zolciak.  
I feel as though I have been very neglectful these past few months. Here I am, writing blog post after blog post about every group of ladies BUT my favorite Atlanta biddies. The ladies I am speaking of are the Real Housewives... not to be confused with the fake ones. Although Nene Leakes has been very much present on my blog from day one, I have not even BRUSHED upon the drama of this season in Atlanta. For those of you who are living under a rock, or watch crap television like the NEWS or some shit,  you should know that this season we said "BYEEE" to Ms. Sheree Whitfield. 
I imagine she's hanging in her Chateau Sheree, designing something for her "She" by Sheree collection or something. To be honest, I don't think anyone gave a fuck.

At first, the season began looking like Kim was going to to make peace with Nene. She even showed up to Nene's event...for a few minutes. The two ladies even gabbed for a little bit...kind of. Kim spent most of this season's episodes talking about how she was depressed over having to move back into her townhouse after being evicted from her new house for not paying her rent (derp). We see her packing up all her shit and taking everything (and I mean everything)... even the flowers in the ground in her yard and moving back into the "small" little townhouse where she lived before she met her Kroyster. But a few episodes in, after a huge blow-up about Kim not wanting to go on vacation with the other ladies, she disappeared from the show. Like, gone and shit. Quite the dramatic exit. We see Kroy, her boytoy, yelling at the camera men telling them they are going to sue or whatever. 

I have very different feelings about Kim's exit than I did with Sheree's. WHAT THE FUCK KIM? Get your ass back here and stop being a dumb bitch. Kim Zolciak is far too entertaining to be leaving Atlanta housewives for good. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! Kim I am asking, begging, pleading for you to return! Come on, you asked, you believed and you recieved. Help a ho out.

To replace Kim this season, we were thrown Kenya Moore. Kenya Moore is the winner of Miss America...I mean, Miss USA...I mean, Miss America... I mean, the Nobel Peace Prize? REGARDLESS, Kenya Moore ladies and gentleman. Four words: No thank you, Bravo. One thing Kenya wants you to know is that she is FABULOUS, but not just fabulous...
I was legitimately cackling. Never have I witnessed something so absurd. Kenya Moore gave me the biggest gift that reality television can give. Nene and I seemed to be wondering the same thing:
I find Kenya to be just so fucking irritating. Nene is just as mean as Kenya, but she lacks the wit to be such a biatch. All season we see her hitting on Phaedra Parks' boo, even inquiring if Phaedra was down to share her man candy. Phaedra was not amused
...and I wasn't either. EVERYBODY KNOWS that if Phaedra is going to share Apollo it's going to be with this ho righhhhhhhhht here.
Kenya fancies herself some kind of goddess of some sort. Thinking she is hot shit for winning some award twenty years before. Rumors around the show have been circling about Kenya's relationship with Walter. Walter is her boyfriend on the show who she is constantly trying to get to propose to her We're getting married right, Walter? We're having babies right, Walter? WALTER? WALTER However, word around the water cooler is that their relationship is as fake as Kim's bewbies. Walter spoke out recently and said Kenya asked him to play her boyfriend on the show to get his "15 minutes of fame." I am not surprised, and I hardly cared. I just don't care about you Ms. Gone with the Wind Fabulous.
In more positive news, Nene has gone back to being my favorite this season. I especially enjoyed her solution to Kenya's problem of wanting to reproduce. "I can find homeboy downtown, get a turkey baster and squirt it up there." Nene and I were clearly cut from the same cloth because those are my EXACT future reproductive plans. Sounds like the most efficient way to make babies and you don't have to deal with men and their bullshit. Think about it.

I refuse to even address the numb nut that is Cynthia Bailey. Cynthia is among the dumbest real housewives (next to Joanna Krupa). She is a waste of everyone's time and my finger energy to type about her. 

So far this season has kicked some real donkey booty. I have been enjoying myself quite thoroughly. I hope all of my hoes near and far are well. Watch something fabulously trashy for me!


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Four Prettiest Bitches I Know

I didn't stutta.

I'm talking about four girls that go by the names Aria, Emily, Hannah and... Spencer. If you have to ask  who these fine ladies are then you are too ignorant to be in my presence. Go on, close this window, nothing for you to see here.
It's a little show called Pretty Little Liars, or what I affectionally call P-L-Squared. PLL is a show that will make you laugh, make you cry, make you question your intelligence level a little bit...and make you wish you were hell of a lot prettier. The show constantly keeps me on the edge of my seat--err couch, to be exact. PLL is a show full of twists, turns, and life lessons you will never forget! For instance, don't lose your virginity too soon because your boyfriend could actually wind up being the psycho that possibly killed your best friend and just might be the cat who has been harassing you and your friends for months. SO DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM DAMMIT!
Another lesson that we have learned is that it is totally normal and not creepy for you to be dating your twenty-five year old teacher when you are sixteen. Ezra and Aria are like any traditional love story... plus like maybe a little statutory rape and general creepiness. But who cares? He's hot! So what if he's totally rapey?
It's touching. Their parents are just so fucking awful for trying to keep these two apart. Come on, let me bone your underaged daughter who happens to be my student. Quit being so selfish! Parents these days. Shaking my fucking head.

Next we have Emily!
Emily is, in my opinion, the hottest of the little liars but also the most annoying. She constantly has this puss on her face like the world is just *so horrible* and life is just *so rough* and *poor little pretty Emily.* I have one hyphenated word for you darling: BOO-freakin-HOO. Get over it. You're being stalked by someone who knows all your secrets and likes to torture you. No big. Oh and one more thing, stop being a bitch to all of your girlfriends, they just wanna get a piece of dat hot ass.

My favorite liar is Hannah. Usually I don't go with the blonde but Hannah is the exception. The show desperately tries to play up the whole stereotypical blonde thing by making those "dumb blonde" jokes whenever they have a chance. Really funny, ABC Family.
Hannah is NOT a dumb blonde. I refuse to accept this. (And just because Spencer is supposed to be the ugliest of the pretty liars doesn't AUTOMATICALLY make her the smartest...get real). The thoughts I have about Emily's plot line this coming season mainly have to do with her boyfriend Caleb. What is this creepist up to? The boy is clearly up to no good that's for DAMN sure.

The last time we saw the Pretty Little Liars was the Halloween Special. That shit was intense. Let's review a few things that occurred at their Halloween dance (that so happened to be taking place on a train??????): Aria was drugged, Garrett was killed, Caleb randomly appears, Mona is out of the funny house... oh and Ally's dead body is discovered in the middle of the room. WTF???
I did not see THAT one coming. That's for DAMN sure. The Halloween special was filled with so many surprises but...leaves us with so many unanswered questions.

As much as I love the show, Pretty Little Liars needs some serious help. I have a problem with writers who completely drop story lines and completely forget about major action that occurred the previous episode. For instance: Lucas. Ummm, does anyone recall how Aria discovered that it was Lucas who drugged the flask that fucked Paige up? Apparently we all are just supposed to completely forget about this atrocity??? Come to think of it, where is Lucas these days? First he tries to kill Hannah, next he's out of sight and out of mind. Da fuh, Lucas? Where the hell did your bitch ass go?
REGARDLESS, I am absolutely PEEING my pants with excitement... I've had to invest in a diaper or two because of my eager anticipation of the season premiere Tuesday January 8! I can not think of a better way to ring in the new year than to hang with my four favorite bitches.

Side note people: it's 2013, so be excited about it. It is going to be a year full of CERAZYNESSSSS!!
I hope you all have an excellent new year! Much love to my homies.