Saturday, March 22, 2014

My 36 Celebrity Lovers

Lindsay Lohan's recent note listing all of the celebrities that she has banged inspired me to do some soul searching myself. Or at least, it inspired me to look back on the good times (and bad times...) She claims to have slept with Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake and even Heath Ledger. Well, Lindsay, my sweet child, you are not the only one who has gotten a piece of celebrity ass. I have had my fun, as well.

Here is my list of the 36 celebrities I have made sweet, passionate love to.

Chris Pine

I know what you are thinking, "why would she settle like that? She can do so much better." And the answer is--"I know." He is not much of a looker. I am a little embarrassed, to be honest. It was a rough time. I was getting over a bad break up. We all make mistakes. The important thing is that we must learn from them.

Jared Leto
After his recent Academy award win, who do you think was there with open legs?
He even let me cornrow his luscious locks after we cuddled with his Oscar. I even put some beads at the end to give it that extra "je ne sais quois."

Steve Buscemi
Steve Buscemi is a very giving lover, I will have you know. He knows what a woman wants in the bedroom. 

Hey, do not knock him 'til you try him, ladies.

Channing Tatum
This was actually a really funny story. We met at the library. It was the oddest, oddest thing. Channing was, like, deep into reading A Tale of Two Cities (or was it See Spot Run? I can't remember), and I happened to have been searching a nearby section for some literature on genital warts. We had this palpable deep, emotional connection, so I obviously took to blowing him in the Young Adult section. We then consummated our love later on that night while watching his finest work, Step Up 1.

Brody Jenner
Total douche. Small weiner. But has really, really fluffy pillows. I never did get the name of the brand.

Justin Bobby
This was at a very confusing time in my life and to make matters worse I did not quite know his name. I was balls deep in an existential crisis of my own and in the midst of us thrusting, I would rotate between calling him Justin, Bobby or Justin Bobby. Who are you even? I asked myself the entire time. But more importantly I asked, who am I? Why am I? How am I? What is sex? Why is the human race so disgusting?

It all kind of killed the mood, to be frank.

50 Cent

Let's just say, Fitty kept all of his promises. He took me to the candy shop AND he even let me lick the lollipop. 

Cesar Milan
I would say that Cesar was a decent lover. However, I would have liked a little more variety. He (strangely) was strictly a "doggy-style only" kinda guy. Cesar, you are probably taking the whole "dog whisperer" thing a litttttle too seriously.

Paula Dean
I feel like this rendez-vous took 5-10 years off of my life (I expect the heart disease to start setting in soon). I will, however, attest that she really does like to use the n-word in bed quite a bit. It was rather disconcerting.

Ryan Gosling
Yeah, whatever. Hit it and quit it.

Nicholas Sparks
Boning all of the men from Nicholas Spark's cheesy movies/books was just not enough for me. I craved more. I needed more. So, I went right to the source and banged Nicholas Sparks himself. 

He also does not have any gifs on the internet. 

Bill Clinton
He will deny everything but I had that. Yup, Monica Lewinky's sloppy seconds. Proud of it, bids. Hillary even gave me her blessing.

Zac Efron
Lindsay Lohan is not the only bitch who had this fine piece of arse.

He even bought me a Big Mac. I bet he NEVER did that with Lindsay.

Guy Fieri
This was right around the time that I bagged Paula Dean, actually. I was on a Food Network kick. I would say as far as lovers go, Paula Dean was definitely my better choice.

All 5 One Directioners
Stop being a pervert, it was not all at the same time! I am a lady, dammit. 

Not to blow up his spot, but let's just say that Harry Styles has an elbow fetish.

Kevin Jonas
I may or may not have popped his cherry. Truth is out. Sorry, Kev. Your promise ring was a lie.

Carlton Banks
But then again, who has not been there?

Stephen Hawking
This was during my experimental phase. I also was trying to learn a little bit more about string theory. We made a deal: one lesson about string theory in exchange for 2.5 over-the-pants hand jobs. Good times. 

Taylor Swift
Ever have hate sex? I have.

This was during my acid phase. This sexual endeavor really bit me in the butt. Long story short, but basically I was high as fuck and I mistook Tinky-Winky for my then-boyfriend, Teddy. It was not until the next morning when I turned over that I realized that I done-goofed big time. Needless to say, my boyfriend and I are no longer together.

Al Roker
It was right after the Thanksgiving parade of 2011. I was young, stupid and bored of the floats.

Katie Couric
I actually do not even remember this. I was completely blacked out but my friends told me I went home with her, after meeting her at some bar in Brooklyn. Sorry, Katie, I am sure you were great.

Roger from Jersey Shore
My grandest accomplishment. Forget all the others. Roger was truly the one who got away. We made love like they did in The Notebook. I hope that one day we can die at the exact same moment like Noah and Ally did too. Oh, Roger!

Lance Bass
...and I refuse to believe that he did not love it.

Clay Aiken
Okay, he definitely did not love it. 

Let's just say it ended with him in tears.

Hey Arnold
I was like 7 years old when this happened. Truth be told, all we did was hold hands.

Air Bud (almost)
He licked my hand once. I am not sure if that counts. I am gonna count it.

Alex Trebek
He made me ask, "what is: missionary position?" before we were allowed to do it. We also had the Jeopardy music on repeat during the whole thing... it was not as sexy as it sounds.

Ruben Studdard
He WOULDN'T stop texting me. Total clinger.

Jeb Bush
The hotter one of the Bush brothers. Now HE is a man with a weapon of mass destruction. He should tell his brother that I finally found 'em!

Michael Lohan (Lindsay Lohan's brother)

Apparently Michael Lohan does not have any gifs either (lame). This happened many years ago, back when I went to school in good ol' Ithaca, NY.
We were both at a house party and our eyes met from across the room, as I gingerly sipped a cup of jungle juice.

We made love to Dave Matthews music all night long. It was absolutely repulsive.

Karl Pilkington

Early bird gets the worm.

Sexy times, my good bids. Sexy times, indeed.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Blinded by Hotness

Blinded by hotness, hypnotized by the six pack, mesmerized by the bootay. We have all been there at some point. You probably remember this happened with your first boyfriend/girlfriend. Also, probably the second one...and the third--oh fuck, okay, maybe all of them. But that's it, never again.

My thoughts concerning hotness (and the problems that hotness creates) started Tuesday afternoon when I saw "Between Two Ferns" with President Barack Obama.

Here's part of it, (in case you did not see it) so you get the jist...

I saw many people in my newsfeed posting about how "amazeballs" this whole thing was.






Well for those of you who posted these thoughts or for those of you who even so far as let out a little chuckle during this video, I (biddy queen of America) am here to sadly inform you that you were played... hard.

Let us first start with the plain facts, this was by far the most un-funny segment of "Between Two Ferns." (The one with Justin Bieber is a close second). For those of you (like myself) who have been watching "Between Two Ferns" for years know the level of Lolz that Zach Galifiankis is capable of and this was just not it.

 Watch "Between Two Ferns" with Michael Cera, for instance.

I feel like we are all treating Obama the same way we treat that hot girl who tries to make jokes. We laugh and make her feel like she is funny but really we just wanna get in her pants. I refuse to treat Obama like that hot girl anymore. NOW WHO IS WITH ME?!?!

All the video consisted of was Obama "putting Zach in his place"... but very unfunnily. Stop trying so hard, Obama. It is the ultimate unboner right now.

This brings me to my second point, Obama needs to stop fucking campaigning. Your hotness already fooled me enough to vote for you... twice.

It is no mystery that Obama used his good looks to charm twenty-something year olds like myself into voting for him. Finally, we thought, a president who I want to bang. Our nether regions have been dry ever since JFK, now at least we had a little bit of moisture going on.
We were not thinking about things like, ya know, Iraq or Afganistan. We were thinking with our dicks and now it appears that that same dick is coming back to hit us in the face, if you will. Hot men do not always equal good presidents. Point noted.

It seems like Obama is still campaigning for votes that he already received. This I find rather curious considering I am pretty sure Obama has a lot of other shit he should be attending to besides "Between Two Ferns." This brings me to my final point: stop dicking around and do your FUCKING job, you shit dick.
I'm gonna need you to be a little less Paris Hilton and a little more... George Washington.

I am not one to follow political mumbo jumbo but it is no mystery that a lot of people are in a bad place (between health insurance and multiple wars being fought overseas). The distractions are not working on me anymore, my good ho. I mean, you are still pretty and everything but it is time to actually do something useful.

I mean you are a fucking Nobel Peace Prize winner, after all. Time to start making some peaceful moves my good bid.


Monday, March 10, 2014

I'm From This Town, I Know What's Real and What's Fake

The town that Kyle Richards speaks of is this quaint little place called Beverly Hills. Uh huh, you guessed it, this is a post about this season of Real Housewives (no fakesies). I have been ignorantly neglecting my favorite ladies for all of fall and winter, so it only seems fair that I give their first world problems some face time.
So, so much has happened this year... and by so, so much I mean not a lot at all. Hence, why I have not posted a damn word.

Let's start with Kim Richards, shall we?

"Everyone loves a comeback story, especially starring me."

She's still sober.

...I think.

The thing about Kim is that you really start to question if alcohol was ever really the problem...maybe the problem is just Kim? From obsessing over her vicious, people-hating dog Kingsley, (she even sent him away to doggy-jail) to getting lame-ass matching tattoos with her daughter Kimberly, it has been an absurd time to say the least.

Her latest antics involve an altercation with Lisa Vanderpump's husband Ken, where she calls him a grumpy old man and a buttface poophead (or something along those lines). Bizarre as she is, as a viewer you really can't help but feel a sense of sympathy towards Kim. Kim nearly always looks like she is about to break out in tears (even when she is "happy"). I kind of just want to hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Kingsley is going to be okay.

And I am so not a hugger, so that says something.

"In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall."

Kim might be sober now but Brandi Glanville apparently is far from such.
For those who insist that Brandi is an alcoholic as well, you clearly are not getting it. Brandi Glanville is a shameless attention whore and anyone who thinks otherwise is embarrassing themselves (and are therefore disgusting and selfish). Brandi hardly attempts to come off as anything else. In case you have not been keeping score, so far Brandi has had serious problems with every single one of the ladies in the group (except for Yolanda Foster, but there's always next season!) Brandi seemed to have had a problem with the new housewife Joyce from the get-go. She even refused to call her by her christian name. Instead, she preferred to call her Jaqueline, siting that Joyce is a name for a fat pig. A fair point, I may add, but that is neither here no there.

Then there was that whole "black people can't swim" comment directed at Jaqueline--I mean, JOYCE. A comment that apparently angered first class dumbass Joanna Krupa (dude, Joanna, just stick with YOUR housewives and mind your own business) but... Brandi has bigger idiotic fish to fry. She basically single handedly pitted the whole cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta against her. Kenya Moore wants to beat her skinny ass to the ground.

Brandi may be a Scorpio and I am partial to that but... my bets are on Miss Kenya. I would watch that beatdown. That's just good television, plain and simple

"In my world, money doesn't talk, it swears"

The other new housewife is Carlton Gebbia. She, unlike Joyce, quickly fell into Brandi's good graces. There seems to be some kind of bi-curious type of relationship going on between these two biddies. Although, unfortunately, we all know the bi-curiosity comes from a place of deep attention whorish desires.
*sigh* Reality TV, quit playing games with my heart.

Carlton is probably one of the strangest additions to the real housewives franchise. Carlton is a both a Wicken and a nymphomaniac. The humor of Carlton's nonsensical threats of casting spells on the other women is not lost on me. The funny part is that Carlton has never even threatened that she would cast spells, all of the women just assume that she has some kind of magical powers. Joyce, Kyle and Kim are all completely convinced that whenever something goes wrong in their life it is the doings of Carton, the wicked witch of Beverly Hills. 

Carlton, if you are reading this, do not get the wrong idea. I think your powers are real and I also think you are very pretty. And nice. And smart. 

Please do not hurt me.

"You can never be too young, too thin or too honest"

Total feminist, obviously. That brings us to Miss Jaqueline. Or was it Jenny? Jamie? Julie? NO wait, Joyce!
Joyce Giraud is probably a sweet girl...

...that's about all there is to say really.

"I'm from this town, I know what's real and what's fake"
And now, Kyle Richards. Kyle apparently has been dealing with some drama lately. Rumors have been a-flyin', rumors about her marriage to Mauricio. Tabloids have been claiming that Mauricio has been spotted with a younger woman. (Mauricio, CALL me).
Distraught and hurt, Kyle complains about it every...fucking... episode. She is always bitching about the tremendous "hurt" her family has endured in the past few months and blah blah blah (yet, she never mentions MY hurt from when Mauricio never called me back after we made love in that shopping cart back in August. To this day I can't even be in a Costco parking lot without getting hot and bothered). Long story short, now there's some drama between her and Lisa Vanderpump because Brandi claims that Lisa planned on taunting Kyle with the tabloids accusing Mauricio of cheating by bringing them on vacation with them to Palm Springs. First world problems? I think yes.

"Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead"

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You saucy little minx.
Don't get me wrong, Lisa Vanderpump is probably one of the most manipulative, self-serving and snobbiest women (aside from Lea Black) to walk the earth. That being said, I think Brandi is being a total pain in the ass. All Brandi keeps saying is that she's "so fucking scared of going up against Lisa" and yet... all she keeps doing is throwing more and more shade. 

Did Lisa pack the tabloids in the suitcase? Who gives a fucking shit. What we REALLY should be talking about right now is how big Mauricio's dong is. Priorities people.

"Don't say you're my friend, act like one"

I saved my favorite housewife for last. Queen Yolanda Foster. Standing ovation starts... NOW!
God, she's just so fucking down to earth. She even wore sneakers that one time!!!!!!

All kidding aside, Yolanda does seem to be the voice of reason amongst these shit dicks. She is the most level-headed out of all of these ladies... and that fucking says something. I mean, we are talking about a woman who spends her days picking lemons off of her lemon trees in her backyard. She also has a walk-in, glass door refrigerator (seriously, google "Yolanda Foster's refrigerator." It's flawless).

If only she would let her Sports Illustrated model daughter Gigi eat some food once in a while, though. I am thinking about starting a charity called "FEED GIGI." I like to give back.

By the way, we can't seem to shake that Taylor Armstrong. Bitch just keeps showin' up. Girl byeeeee.
Miss you, Camille.

Happy television watching my fine, young biddies.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

March Finally Begins, the Pope Curses, Leo Doesn't Win an Oscar (Yet Again)

...and all is right with the world. Well, except for one thing, but I will get to that. (*COUGH* MILA *COUGH*)

The longest, shortest month of the year ended a few days ago and I think I speak for everyone when I say I could NOT be more thrilled. I made it through the month (just barely) ten pounds heavier (along with 2 straight jackets and 7 long-term boyfriends later). At some points, I really did not think I would make it to March. The last two days I survived solely on nail polish fumes and google images of Uncle Jesse.
God, Uncle Jesse, just love me already.

I do not even care that March is the beginning of lent (one of the most excruciating holidays of all time). Anyways, this year I plan to give up dumb biddies and basic bitches.
Dumb biddies/ basic bitches include (but are not limited to): Taylor Swift, Anne Hathaway, the librarians who work in my town's library and Biscuit, the dog who lives up my block (such a basic bitch).

On the topic of religious things, I need to mention this gem. I was pretty much peeing myself with inappropriate joy when I heard that the pope dropped the f-bomb in a Vatican blessing. In a fit of holy passion, Pope Francis seemed to have lost himself (or found himself, depending on how you look at it). "Jesus FUCKING Christ," he screamed, "died for our FUCKING sins, you pieces of shit. Have some fucking respect for this motherfucker."
I am paraphrasing, of course.

I think this was a legitimate move if I am being completely honest. Pope Francis prides himself on being the the "pope of the people." Well, people fucking cuss. That is what the fucking "people" do. They also fuck other people (ADULTS ONLY!), they get drunk and they have impure thoughts. Anytime you wanna jump on that bandwagon, Popo F-dog, text a ho. I can hook you up with a couple of handles, some decent weed and some hot ass biddies (male, female, you name it... I got you).
That's my ho right there, that's fer damn sher.

Off the topic of popes, and onto the topic of Leonardo Dicaprio (seems like an appropriate segue). I watched as much of the Oscars that I possibly could before passing the fuck out. All of the people with the pretty fake faces, the fake hair and the fake jugs, sitting around, kissing each others asses really tires even ME out. Plus, Pharrell showing himself in that same mistake of a hat and manpris really just was the ultimate un-boner. Regardless, I woke up the next morning feeling like everything was in the right place because, yet again, for the millionth time, Leonardo Dicaprio won nothing. 
I am a person who likes consistency. I like a routine. It is always the same drill with Leo. He picks a very, very serious role. In that role he tries to be the best actor he could POSSIBLY be. He acts his fucking pants off, if you will. Then, the academy nominates him! He shows up, looking all dapper and optimistic. He stands tall, proud and so positive that this will be the year...

...and the academy crushes his hopes & dreams. Basically. they give the award to anyone BESIDES him. Even Jonah Hill, if they must.

I like that. It is something I take great comfort in. It is something I can count on. I hope it never changes.

There was only one little glitch in the past few days that stopped me from being truly, truly content. The glitch that I speak of is the recent engagement of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. I have not much to say, you can probably hear the disappointment in my voice (text). I will say this, Mila, sweetie, you may be pretty and you may be charming... but you are clearly dumb as a doorknob. Come back to us, sweet Mila. It is never too late to turn your life around.

Anyways, have a grateful month of March.