Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My Yacht May Have Sailed

...But my ship is coming in!

These are optimistic words from Lady Sonja Morgan. We need a lot more of these Sonja Morgan delusions these days as current presidential campaigns continue to remind us of the true dire and helpless state our country is in (and will continue to be in). 

It is nearly impossible for anyone to completely ignore the inevitable presidential election. No one can avoid it. Do you have Facebook? Instagram? Yahoo? Television? Ears? Eyes? A window? The nonsensical noise of politicians whoring themselves out is excruciatingly loud and is only getting louder.

I feel almost exactly as Ramona Singer did this season when she was in the limousine, on her way to her extravagant Atlantic City birthday party, Ramona Pinot in hand, yelling:

And, in all seriousness, after a quick perusal through today's New York Times, I share Ramona's sentiments exactly (and the sentiments of every dumb biddy ever in existence who LITERALLY JUST CAN'T EVEN)...we just freakin' can't.

When the presidential campaigns began to awaken I felt fairly excited. It has been almost eight years with the same president. Obama is beginning to feel like that annoying almost-boyfriend that won't fuck off but you do not have the energy to fully eradicate him from your life because it's not like you have anyone better lying around. And now, so I thought, we would have some brand new faces. Some fresh meat, if you will.

We need someone new, someone who will love us right.

But quickly I realized, oh so quickly, that the "fresh meat" that was promised, was hardly fresh at all. It was old, rotten, stale, ejaculated-on meat that you just can't seem to rid yourself of. You know, that kind of meat.

We have Hillary Clinton for starters. Old, old news. She is easily the most disingenuous candidate of the bunch (which says something considering we are talking about a bunch of politicians). Emails, sliminess and blatant lies aside, Hillary is BY FAR the least likely person out of the bunch that you would want over your house for your weekly viewing of She's The Man. Bitch can't chill for shit. Trust me, I met her at a movie theatre once.

Next up, Donald Trump. Again, old fucking news. Stale, crusty, shit-stained underwear,  kind of old (to put it delicately). Donald Trump has wasted no time to completely expose himself as a bigoted, ignorant, delusional, entitled piece of dog crap. In all honesty, his blatant slander of Mexicans and Mexican-Americans almost begs the question, is Donald Trump even a serious candidate or is he just yankin' all of our dicks?
I don't appreciate the yank.

Then there's good ol' Bushy boy (the third coming of the Bush?!) This is like some fucked up laser hair removal procedure gone wrong. For a while, it almost seemed that Jeb Bush had a little bit of an edge as the Republican candidate when placed up against Donald Trump. I mean, this should have been a no-brainer for him. After Donald Trump expressed his undying hatred for Mexicans, Jeb had the perfect chance to come out looking like some kind of hero! Immediately, Jeb Bush pointed out that he loves, loves, LOVES Mexicans.
In fact, he pointed out that he's currently humping a Mexican-American AS WE SPEAK. But, instead of leaving it there and going on his merry way, Jeb could not help himself. Yeah, he said, the Mexicans are chill and shit, but the Asians, he said, the Asians are the REAL problem. In other words, Mexicans stay, Asians get the ol' Jeb Bush boot. Jeb, you were so close to not being a total moronic piece of doo-doo, so damn close. 

Then there's this old bloke who goes by the name: Bernie Sanders. Recently during one of his speeches, he was just chillin' out with his cock out until he got caught off guard by some Black Lives Matter activists who were not too pleased about, like, black people being killed all the time by police officers. Meanwhile, Bernie just stood there holding his little dick all like:
Then, not too long after, Bernie walked off the stage in classic, "I'm too old for this racism shit" fashion. "Deuces!" Bernie exclaimed.

Then you have the other background noise: Ben Carson (gay-hater), Ted Cruz (rape-lover) and Marco Rubio (who I know absolutely nothing about).

Meanwhile, the Democrats are actually WAITING for Joe Biden to run for president. And let me tell you, if our country's last hope is Joe Biden, beat me with a bunch of rocks, throw me into a ditch and poor hot oil over my dying body. 

In conclusion, I guess it is safe to say that I will be voting for Deez Nuts in the upcoming presidential election.