Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015

Another year is wrapping up and we all edge closer and closer to our dying day. Each day we get a little bit closer to the end, closer to breathing our last breaths. With every day we realize more and more how meaningless life is and how meaningless our lives are. But before we succumb to the hopelessness that is life (and inevitably knife ourselves), let's reflect on ridiculousness that was 2015.

Shall we review the most paramount moments of 2015?

1) That time my dog was constipated for a week

My poor booboo couldn't poop, like, at all. She ate too much of the cardboard from those pasta boxes. It was heartbreaking, earth-shattering and how could anyone ever really forget that week of true bowel dysfunction?!

2) When I tried McDonald's vanilla ice cream for the first time
Absolutely divine.

3) When I didn't write a blog post about how I hated Taylor Swift
I'm trying to take the high road here. Really, really trying.

4) When I finally made that inevitable switch to Colgate

After years of vacillation, I finally had to make the big decision. I had to make a choice and stick to it for good. I finally chose the Colgate. Spongebob sparkly bubblegum: I shall miss you.

5) When the U.S. continuously supported a modern day Hitler

There are no words.

6) When Jennifer Lawrence didn't get paid 'nuff.

10 million a movie just ain't cutting it for J-Law. And why should it? Why should she have to work her cute little butt off for 3 months out of the 12 for only millions of dollars?! Not fair, not cool, no way.

Help me, I'm white, rich and poor!

7) When I didn't get the flu shot... again.

Gosh dung it.


8) When my neighbor's fish died.

It really was a very nice fish.
9. When I beat level 300 of Candy Crush... FINALLY


10. I finished a whole watermelon.
This was no easy feat. There I sat at my kitchen table, for nearly 30 minutes, pushing watermelon into my face until I completely hated myself and everything around me. It was magical.

Overall, 2015 was a year of triumph, tragedy and Trump. Happy New Year to you all!

XOXO,

Jules

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Cute Butts

The news has been one big boner kill as of late. Everyday there seems to be YET AGAIN something else to make us hate being alive.

We wake up (in a bed if we are lucky), we shlep our way to work (if we are lucky... or unlucky enough), we experience the day with all of its annoyances and griefs, just to return home (assuming we haven't been shot down or blown up by someone committed to God or someone just committed to killing) and then we watch or read the news to see who did not make it through the last order of business of the day: staying alive.

During these endless days of dodging bullets, kissing asses and wishing that the guy on the train next to you would just fucking clip his toe nails another time, you start to lose hope. You lose hope that you will ever be happy, you will ever see the light at the end of the Grand Central tunnel (okay maybe I am personalizing that a little bit). Regardless, you feel hopeless. But then, the universe grants you a small, modest glimmer of hope. A tiny, merciful gift of the gluteus maximus nature:

cute guys' butts.

I began noticing these butts a few weeks ago while watching the miserable show The Leftovers. While normally the show wants you to feel suicidal, it slipped up when it gave the viewer an above average look at Justin Theroux's beautiful bedonk.

I mean, the guy is seriously talented in the crap factory area. Never in my life did I need a view of a cute butt more than at that moment. Emerging from the bathtub, Justin Theroux's buns were the hope and change that Obama promised and finally delivered.

Justin Theroux's butt was everything in that moment (and nothing at the same time).



That night, I felt truly blessed to be on the Earth. Then, last night, two more miracles occurred. God or Jesus or Mary-Kate and Ashley, I don't know who, but SOMEONE gave us the gift of a full view Uncle Jesse's buttocks. I mean, this was truly a spectacular Hanukah miracle. Uncle Jesse (or John Stamos or whoever the fuck he REALLY is) can light my menorah ANY day.

Only a couple of hours later, something even more miraculous occurred. There I was, already high on life, high on hot guys' heinies and BAM: Justin Theroux's butt is on my television screen AGAIN. I mean, really? What have we all done to deserve such a treat? And in such copious amounts?! I must have done something right in another lifetime.

The truth is, we need more cute butts in this world. In times like these, when the whole world is going to shit, all we REALLY have is cute butts. All that really inspires us to wake up in the morning are these beautiful, flawless dumpers. Sculpted, plump and perfect for our perverted viewing pleasure.
XOXO,

Jules

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My Yacht May Have Sailed

...But my ship is coming in!

These are optimistic words from Lady Sonja Morgan. We need a lot more of these Sonja Morgan delusions these days as current presidential campaigns continue to remind us of the true dire and helpless state our country is in (and will continue to be in). 

It is nearly impossible for anyone to completely ignore the inevitable presidential election. No one can avoid it. Do you have Facebook? Instagram? Yahoo? Television? Ears? Eyes? A window? The nonsensical noise of politicians whoring themselves out is excruciatingly loud and is only getting louder.

I feel almost exactly as Ramona Singer did this season when she was in the limousine, on her way to her extravagant Atlantic City birthday party, Ramona Pinot in hand, yelling:

And, in all seriousness, after a quick perusal through today's New York Times, I share Ramona's sentiments exactly (and the sentiments of every dumb biddy ever in existence who LITERALLY JUST CAN'T EVEN)...we just freakin' can't.

When the presidential campaigns began to awaken I felt fairly excited. It has been almost eight years with the same president. Obama is beginning to feel like that annoying almost-boyfriend that won't fuck off but you do not have the energy to fully eradicate him from your life because it's not like you have anyone better lying around. And now, so I thought, we would have some brand new faces. Some fresh meat, if you will.

We need someone new, someone who will love us right.

But quickly I realized, oh so quickly, that the "fresh meat" that was promised, was hardly fresh at all. It was old, rotten, stale, ejaculated-on meat that you just can't seem to rid yourself of. You know, that kind of meat.

We have Hillary Clinton for starters. Old, old news. She is easily the most disingenuous candidate of the bunch (which says something considering we are talking about a bunch of politicians). Emails, sliminess and blatant lies aside, Hillary is BY FAR the least likely person out of the bunch that you would want over your house for your weekly viewing of She's The Man. Bitch can't chill for shit. Trust me, I met her at a movie theatre once.

Next up, Donald Trump. Again, old fucking news. Stale, crusty, shit-stained underwear,  kind of old (to put it delicately). Donald Trump has wasted no time to completely expose himself as a bigoted, ignorant, delusional, entitled piece of dog crap. In all honesty, his blatant slander of Mexicans and Mexican-Americans almost begs the question, is Donald Trump even a serious candidate or is he just yankin' all of our dicks?
I don't appreciate the yank.

Then there's good ol' Bushy boy (the third coming of the Bush?!) This is like some fucked up laser hair removal procedure gone wrong. For a while, it almost seemed that Jeb Bush had a little bit of an edge as the Republican candidate when placed up against Donald Trump. I mean, this should have been a no-brainer for him. After Donald Trump expressed his undying hatred for Mexicans, Jeb had the perfect chance to come out looking like some kind of hero! Immediately, Jeb Bush pointed out that he loves, loves, LOVES Mexicans.
In fact, he pointed out that he's currently humping a Mexican-American AS WE SPEAK. But, instead of leaving it there and going on his merry way, Jeb could not help himself. Yeah, he said, the Mexicans are chill and shit, but the Asians, he said, the Asians are the REAL problem. In other words, Mexicans stay, Asians get the ol' Jeb Bush boot. Jeb, you were so close to not being a total moronic piece of doo-doo, so damn close. 

Then there's this old bloke who goes by the name: Bernie Sanders. Recently during one of his speeches, he was just chillin' out with his cock out until he got caught off guard by some Black Lives Matter activists who were not too pleased about, like, black people being killed all the time by police officers. Meanwhile, Bernie just stood there holding his little dick all like:
Then, not too long after, Bernie walked off the stage in classic, "I'm too old for this racism shit" fashion. "Deuces!" Bernie exclaimed.

Then you have the other background noise: Ben Carson (gay-hater), Ted Cruz (rape-lover) and Marco Rubio (who I know absolutely nothing about).

Meanwhile, the Democrats are actually WAITING for Joe Biden to run for president. And let me tell you, if our country's last hope is Joe Biden, beat me with a bunch of rocks, throw me into a ditch and poor hot oil over my dying body. 

In conclusion, I guess it is safe to say that I will be voting for Deez Nuts in the upcoming presidential election.

XOXO,
Jules

Thursday, July 16, 2015

5 REALLY Good Reasons Why Bill Cosby Can't Be a Rapist

I am so sick of people going around, soiling Bill Cosby's reputation without proper evidence. No more will I stand for it. Instead of just waiting around for any other of America's sweethearts to go up in flames (Robert DeNiro, I'm looking at you). I thought of five solid reasons why all of these allegations are unfounded, untrue and just plain un-American.

1) He had a show on television.

Like, everyone watched his television show. And on his television show he seemed so nice and wholesome! What are you guys saying? All of those years on his sitcom, ALL of those years of touching moments and you are gonna look at me and tell me that was all ACTING? No. No, Dr. Huxtable was the only father-figure I ever had and I know for sure he is the best obstetrician around. I mean, he really knows his way around the vagina (as long as the woman is asleep, that is!). Maybe all of these sexual assault allegations are just a testament to method acting? Ever think of that?
Can you really fault a guy for his commitment to his craft?

2) His wife doesn't think so.

Alright, there you have it. From the horse's mouth or whatever that offensive phrase is. If the wife (who apparently has one hell of a pre-nup) thinks he's innocent than that explanation is good enough for me! She has said it once and she does not have to say it again, these women AGREED to be drugged and raped. They consented to being raped and now they need to live with the consequences.
Years of emotional scarring, STDs, post-traumatic stress and shame. Big whoop!

Maybe you shouldn't have worn that burka to his room if you didn't wanna get drugged and molested. Hell, maybe you shouldn't have been born at all if you didn't want to get raped by Bill Cosby.

But anyways, he didn't rape you. You wanted it, Bill Cosby's wife insisted you did...so I believe her.

3) Only, like, fifty women have accused him.

You're gonna need a little more proof than that to sell me on this one. Fifty women?!
Fill up MetLife stadium with women claiming to have been raped by Bill Cosby and then we can have a conversation about it! Until then, take your measly fifty women and cry to someone who cares.

4) Woody Allen!!!!

Did you all forget about Woody Allen? The "secret" child molester, father-figure who everyone loves and adores and who totally no one thinks is a huge weirdo/predator? I mean, you all are over here attacking poor Old Bill while Woody Allen gets away with murder.

In fact, as a kid, I distinctly remember we had a portrait of Woody Allen right next to our Virgin Mary sculptures and pictures. Woody Allen was an absolute saint in my household.
What's more, last time I heard, that old geezer, Woody, even started a daycare center at his house. I mean this guy has people dropping their kids off at his house like there's no tomorrow and Bill is over here...

...being tortured in his mansion (without any possibility of being arrested or held accountable for his actions, but I digress). I mean for too long we have idolized Woody Allen and allowed ourselves to go down dark alleys with him (if there's anyone I trust going down a dark alley with, it's Woody Allen, hands down).

Besides, if Woody Allen can get away with rape, why can't Bill Cosby?! That's just not fair!

5) Because I say so.

Yeah, I have seen the evidence. The cold hard facts, if you will. And, at the end of the day, I am gonna chalk it up to my gut here. In my gut, I just do not think Bill Cosby raped all those women. And let me tell you, my gut has never steered me wrong before (except, like, maybe always?!)

REGARDLESS, just trust me on this one! K?

XOXO,

Jules

Saturday, July 11, 2015

100

It has been almost three years since I began this journey of blogging, shit-talking and mindless rambling. At the beginning, I really only started the blog to fill time while being under-employed and bored. I pledged from the beginning to write posts that were strictly non-serious, unpolitical and just plain stupid. This seemed like a simple task considering I am a pretty non-serious, unpolitical and just plain stupid person.

Real Housewives became a staple on my blog, along with characters such as: Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Jimmy Fallon, Ryan Gosling, Caesar Milan and even Chris Pine (the man of my dreams and of his nightmares). I received Facebook messages, emails and texts that in some, way, shape or form were reacting to the words that I posted week after week. Some people got really annoyed, some people asked me out to drinks, some asked me for blow jobs, some people stopped talking to me altogether (LOL losers) and others shared in my entertainment. All of these things were truly positive experiences for me because it was evidence that people were actually reading what I had to say. Whether or not they agreed, I could not care less.

While my blog is usually filled with mindless jokes, there were times when I came up short on my pledge. There were times when my blog was not just solely for shits and gigs. Sometimes, I actually had something SERIOUS to say. Who'da thunk it? I discovered that my blog could be more than just an outlet for my entertainment but also for my healing and, well, existing. After all, life isn't all diamonds and rose (but it should be), as Lisa Vanderpump always says.

This is the hundredth post on my blog and I think that's kind of a cool thing. Right? I mean I do not mean to toot my own horn but I feel like I have never been THIS committed to ANYTHING. Not to an pet, not to a guy, not to a friendship and not even to my Facebook profile. While I have gone through hiatuses and ignorantly abandoned this blog for weeks or months at a time, I just never could quit you.

Thank you to those who read my offensive words again and again. Thank you to those who read my offensive words and don't, like, TP or egg my house. Thank you to to those who I have referenced here and have not gotten such a big HEAD about it (big fucking deal, you are on some random ass biddy's blog...get over it).

Thank you, thank you, thank you times 100.
XOXO,

Jules

Sunday, July 5, 2015

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Put nine in a bowl! At least that's what Shannon Beader's introduction this season advises you to do.
Weeks have gone by without me even MENTIONING the start of the TENTH season of Real Housewives of Orange County. Now, a brief little history for ya, Real Housewives of Orange County (or, as I will affectionately call it for the rest of the time: RHOC) was the first Real Housewives location in the whole "Real Housewives" series. Just knowing that should bring tears of happiness, nostalgia & fear into your eyes.
Now, what we learn from the opening credits alone is that, housewives may come and go but Vicki Gunvalson is forever. Being the only original housewife still standing on the the OC series, she proudly announces in her tagline, "I'm the OG of the OC, everyone else... is just a copy."
Now, whether or not that is an accomplishment or something to feel deeply embarrassed about is debatable. However, being the sentimental biddy that I am (lol?), I am gonna go ahead and say I am proud of Vicki for sticking it out for all of these years. Never once did she let any of these vapid, blonde (or the occasional brunette) morons scare her away. No, she is the original vapid blonde and, no one... NOBODY... can take that away from her.
Nope.

So, the opening of the season was pretty standard. Vicki's shady boyfriend allegedly has cancer (some speculate that he is faking it), Tamra's crazy ass is wayyyyyy too excited to be a new grandmother (or as they like to pathetically call it: a glam-mother), Heather has way too much money (money enough to feed about 3 countries in Africa for years), Megan (the new housewife) needs to be fed a sandwich with some of Heather's money and FINALLY, Shannon... Oh, poor Shannon.
There have been times I have been watching Real Housewives over the years and have felt highly discouraged. Sometimes the show becomes way too real for me. Don't the fucking editors realize that we do not want our reality television to be ACTUALLY real? We want it to be mindless and frivolous. 

Exhibit 1: Flashback to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Taylor Armstrong's abusive relationship with her sleazy husband Russell a few years back was mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, politically and anaerobically draining to me and my fellow reality television devotees. What's more, that whole ordeal ended in Russell committing suicide (like, FOR REALSIES) and Taylor discovering his body hanging in her closet. I mean, shit just got way, way too real.

Now there's Shannon. Shannon's real, genuine misery radiates through your television. 
Last season we were introduced to Shannon and her family. Shannon is a true, authentic housewife: unemployed, raising three kids with (or for) a husband who alternates between catatonic, whiny and apathetically eating chips & salsa. The camera is careful to catch (thanks to Bravo) every moment of Shannon yelling (and seemingly "nagging") her husband, looking for any kind of reaction that she can from this lifeless shell of a man. The camera alternates between her yelling at him and her interviews as she sits crying to the audience, saying how she feels like her husband doesn't give a fuck (and as far as we can tell, Shannon is right on the money).
Now, the thing that kills us all the most is that Shannon is so goddamn likable. It is one thing when it's Kyle Richards (I mean, who CARES about Kyle) but Shannon actually seems like a chill ho. 

So, fast forward to this season. We learn during this season premiere that... *SPOILER ALERT*... he was cheating, all along. Surprised, we are not. However, Shannon's reaction to the affair is something straight out of an Amy Schumer skit.

"We're just kind of on hiatus because he made out with somebody at a party in front of me, and I totally overreacted. I tried to apologize, but it was too late."

Shannon is a complete wreck and there's no end in sight for this cluster fuck of self-delusions, self-loathing and self-destruction.

So Shannon, about your your introduction this season. When life gives you lemons, you do not put nine in a bowl. You take those fucking lemons and you fucking throw them at his cheating, lying, chips & salsa eating face. Then, you take a knife and you cut off his balls. Then, you put his balls in the bowl. Then, you leave and you take those chips and salsa with you... and you bring them straight to me.

Because, who doesn't love a delicious bowl of chips and salsa?

XOXO,
Jules

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Men of My Dreams

This may be surprising to all of you, but I am a single (and somewhat, reluctantly ready to mingle) young biddy. I know: shocking and appalling.
I think the thing is that I am all too comfortable being single. In fact, I believe being single is innately part of me (if that's like a gene or some shit, I have it). Now, do not get me wrong, I am not one of these bitter people who sit around and pretend to be revolted by couples and privately cry themselves to sleep to The Notebook or Dear John

No, The Notebook is a merely a bean-flicker as far as I am concerned and I have never even watched Dear John (Amanda Seyfried gives me a vagina ache... cause that's a thing). So, no, I am not anti-couples. More power to to their simple souls.

As I have touched on before, in my gay marriage post years ago (the one where I believe that all gay couples must be forced into marriage so they can suffer through forced legal monogamy as heterosexuals do), getting a boyfriend, getting engaged and getting married seems to be forced upon us biddies against our will. For if we do not, our nether regions will be assumed to be either porcupin(ed) or corn-rowed. 

(Mine are currently corn-rowed with those tropical beads you get when you were on vacation in middle school...guys LIVE for it).

Any who, my point? What is my point again?

Oh right, okay. So the truth is, there is not a lot to choose from these days for a heterosexual girl. Slim pickins, if you will. Over the years, I have found that heterosexual guys fall into five categories of lady-boner kills. Each of them worse than the last. They all are just hoping to trick a biddy long enough into thinking he is worth her time to have sex with.

Here are the five generalized types of guys we heterosexual, single girls have to choose from (because generalizations are fun for cryin' out loud):

1) The "Naps"

These are the guys that may literally put you to sleep. They usually go on and on about how they saw twenty Phish concerts and for some reason or another they think that this is a fact that makes them "interesting" or worth fucking. Then, when you give them that look of both confusion and pity, they think that maybe flicking on a Phish song will change your mind and miraculously cause you to grow a female chub.
No. There is no chub. There never will be a chub.

No matter how many Phish songs you play or talk about, you will always be duller than dull.

2) The Guy Who Suddenly Got Ass

We all know one of these. They are the guys who you can tell did not even touch a boob in high school (possibly not even for the first two years of college) but then, all of a sudden, one brave girl finally stood up to the plate and volunteered to give him a blow job. Now, all of a sudden, he thinks he is some kind of "hot commodity."
"Hey, what do you say we go back to my room and listen to Dogs by Pink Floyd on repeat?" A bold move, sir. Very bold.

What a panty dropper. How did he NOT get laid all of these years?! I still wonder.

3) The Sex Pervert

Sexual harassment, assault and rape aside, out of all the guys on this list, I find the sex pervert to be the most amusing (as long as they are at LEAST 1 mile away from me). Perhaps ALMOST amusing enough to bang...ALMOST, but not quite. Now, do not get me wrong, every single guy is a sex pervert. Even the guys who go around acting like sex does not exist for the first few months you know them, they are perverts too (it's biology... or sociology... whatever, you debate it). 

Anyways, "the sex perverts" are the guys who are up front about their sexual perversions. These are the guys who will admit openly that they have had a bakers dozen number of threesomes (that's thirteen, you morons). These are the guys who ask you "what are you good at in bed?" the first time you meet them. Guys, you might as well just ask me if I would like to fuck you. Spare me the chit-chat, spare me the foreplay. Just give it to me straight.

4) The Psycho

Mhm. I know this guy all too well. Driven mostly by insecurity, the psycho is usually the life-ruiner. Manipulative, clever (but not really that clever because they ARE psychotic at the end of the day) and usually they have names that start with S, W, K, J, L... wait, basically every letter in the alphabet. 

The psycho guys will do psycho things to win you over, all the while trying to make you feel like you are, in fact, the psychotic one. They usually will approach you with grand gestures like offering to kill their best friend in return for your love or offer to binge watch the whole Gilmore Girls series with you. Also, they usually have two Facebook accounts.

Bottom line, ladies, you will know the psycho when you see them (or at least you will eventually, but then it may be too late...)

5) The "Genius"

Ugh, do not get me wrong, I am sure there are some "intelligent" guys out there. Really, I do. I have faith and I do believe in miracles (they happen everyday)! When this gentleman is located, I am sure it will be trending on Facebook, Twitter AND Yahoo. Until then, us biddies must still pretend that the guys that we know have a brain cell in their head.
However, if a biddy is unlucky enough, they will run into quite a few of these "genius" fellows. These are the guys that for, some reason or another, have it in their head that they are, indeed, "smart." Perhaps all of the fantasy football went to their head, maybe they are a master at Call of Duty or perhaps they picked up a book (maybe even one without pictures!) Whatever it is, this experience was truly life-altering for them. They now seem to have these delusions of grandeur. All of a sudden they fancy themselves a Stephen Hawking of sorts (they may even try to speak in his voice in hopes of getting an over-the-pants hand job, you gotta look out for that).

So, there you have it. Your complete list of guy generalizations. Read them, love them and never, ever leave home without them.

Kisses.

XOXO,

Jules

P.S. One order of female Viagra por favor!