Saturday, September 21, 2013

To Forgive or Not To Forgive...

...that is the question.

I can't believe I am about to say this but... Team Edward? Everyone knows the whole story of how Kristen Stewart cheated on him. After he found out, they broke up, got back together and quickly broke up again. Bla bla bla. In a recent interview Robert Pattinson shared some inspiring words about forgiveness. Words that I thought were beyond Edward Cullen's mental capacity; words that I live my life by.

"I don't ever feel the need to forgive," is what the man said in an interview. Spoken like a true Scorpio (although he is actually a Taurus). I could not be more proud of this statement. WELL DONE!

Forgiveness. Some times we forgive, sometimes we do not. I stick to NOT forgiving for the most part. To be honest, that is has been working out great for me so far. So what if I have no friends? So what if I have sent numerous fake bombs in the mail to ex-lovers? So what if I have numerous restraining orders against me? Go big or go home, right?

I never forgave Anna Borant for pulling me off the monkey bars in day camp when we were six. That fucking bitch grabbed on to my legs and would not let go. Thus, ending in me falling to my near death! With the wind knocked out of me, I lay on the ground, praying I would make it until free swim. I was immediately rushed to the health office. It was nothing short of a miracle that I survived this near death experience. Anna Borant never apologized for her reckless actions. Actions that were, without a doubt, performed out of jealousy and spite. She was jealous of not only my impeccable monkey bar skills, but also my undeniable good looks.
Even if Anna did apologize for the atrocity she committed, I will never forgive her. The damage is done, and will never be mended.

Historically speaking, too many people have been too forgiving. A perfect example of this mistake is slavery. How the fuck did African-Americans everywhere forgive white people for enslaving them for so many years? "Yeah, sorry guys, we stole you from Africa, separated you from your family, abused you, raped you, whipped you and basically did every imaginable horrible thing to you for years but...our bad?" says the white people.
If I was black, I would not be so forgiving. In fact, I would call for enslavement of white people everywhere. No more Lulu Lemon, no more Crumbs cupcakes, no more J Crew and absolutely NO more peacoats. All the whites would need to say bye-bye to all of the things they loved and cherished. Then, they would serve me for eternity.

Unfortunately, African-Americans have been extremely forgiving and that has not exactly worked out very well. Yeah, white people freed the slaves and shit but white people still continued their douche-baggy ways. Whites were all into this segregation business and even when that ended, they continued to be rude little sacks of shit. Even to this day, white privilege and racism prevails. Moral of the story: never forgive anyone (especially a white person).

If you are offended by any of this...
... but not really.

Anyways, back to me. In seventh grade, I received a 64 on a D.O.L. test (Daily Oral Language test for you ignorant folk). Obviously, having a brain, I decided I would never tell my mom about this hideous grade. That Friday afternoon I came home from school with one of my friends with expectations of having the best play date of my life. Much to my surprise, my mother had different plans in store after receiving a cute little phone call from my English teacher, Ms. Dylan. My friend was quickly sent home, and I was given a hefty punishment. No television for a month.

Fuck my life.
Ms. Dylan is a rat and will never be forgiven.

Now, this leads me back to Robert Pattinson. Most likely when he made that statement about forgiveness he was referring to Ms. Kristen Yucky Stewart. Similar to rats, cheaters should never be forgiven. Once a cheater, always a cheater and that is for damn SURE.

On a slightly relevant note, I will never forgive Stephanie Meyer for writing such an atrocious work of "literature." Furthermore, Robert Pattinson can thank Stephanie Meyer for his heartache and suffering. Without Twilight, he would never have met this butt hole of a woman.

I have made my choice Sir William Shakespeare. To forgive or not to forgive? It is no longer a question.

Never forgive, never forget.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

As Gandhi once said, 'Karma is a Raging Bitch'

Or is it? Let's think about this one. I rarely watch the news but recently I happened to have caught the ending of a news story concerning George Zimmerman. At first I thought it was a continuation of the Trayvon Martin case but then I quickly realized that the Zimmster struck again! Although he was recently acquitted from all charges regarding Trayvon Martin, the dumb bastard could not keep his shit together.
I mean, holy shit balls, if I got away with murder I would be counting my lucky fucking stars and shutting my evil ass up. Apparently Zimmerman got into some kind of physical/verbal altercation with his wife where he threatened to open fire on her and even broke her iPad!!!!!!!!!
Not the iPad! ANYTHING but the iPad. That is not only blatant disrespect to Saint Steve Jobs himself, but to Geniuses working at Genius bars EVERYWHERE. He has proven himself not only a racist, but even worse... a Windows enthusiast. My thoughts? Lock that motherfucker up and throw away the key already.

This reminds me of a fellow who goes by the name of OJ Simpson (by the way, any leads on what OJ stands for? Orange juice? Old Jewelry?). Simpson one day decides that he wants to kill his wife. Everyone knows the outcome of that one. He is acquitted as per the motto "If it doesn't fit, acquit!" Meanwhile, anyone who has half of brain knows that most likely the crime was committed.  Similar to trials such as George Zimmerman and Casey Anthony, their lawyers found loop holes in the laws in order to find them legally innocent. For months and months the media coverage followed these cases until they were all found not guilty. The court was forced to listen to hours and hours of testimonies and the jury was forced to sit on the stand and miss work for weeks only to find these murderers innocent. Then, after all of that, THE BITCHES DECIDE TO ACT UP AGAIN. Therefore, essentially, shooting everyone's hard work straight to H-E-double hockey sticks.
After OJ got off scott free, he later wrote what he thought would be the next great American novel apparently. It was a book called "If I did It." There was a massive amount of controversy surrounding the book. Many were outraged that he was trying to make money off of the murders that he was acquitted of. Kinda rude.
For the few who did not already think OJ was a douche bag, they definitely did now. OJ did not stop at that, however. Not long after, he got himself into some trubs involving armed robbery and kidnapping (ya know, the usual Saturday afternoon festivities). He is currently serving a sentence of 30+ in jail. His rotten ways seem to have caught up to him. 

We all have asked ourselves this question about karma and whether or not it really exists. I know I have been asking myself this my whole entire life. Did my boobs wind up to be A cups because I made fun of my mom's boobs when I was a tween? Did my ex-boyfriend cheat on me with a trashy dumb biddy who duck faces all day because I have been making fun of the duck face (and ducks) since it was invented? AND, most importantly, will my ex-boyfriend be punished for his indecency by someone other than me? Questions, I pose them.

Maybe none of this is karma. Maybe it is just plain old fashioned stupidity. Zimmerman and Simpson were just not smart enough to accept their good fortune and be on their way. They were too stupid to think, "Hmm, bettah not kidnap this person" or "Nah, maybe I will not threaten this person with my gun this time around." Perhaps they never even thought for a MINUTE that maybe they would not be so lucky the second time around. 

Additionally, maybe I only have stupidity to blame for my small boobs. I was too stupid to save up my pennies for a proper boob job. And lastly, as far as my ex-boyfriend cheating, perhaps I was too stupid to date someone who could possibly appreciate all of this fabulosity. ALL OF THIS WOMAN!!!

Side note: we have not heard a peep out of Casey Anthony. Is she a genius or did karma just not catch up to her yet? Only time will tell.

Just a little food for thought.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Blonder & Blander

In the midst of what seems like an overabundance of attention directed at this crisis in Syria, I feel it is my duty, nay, my calling, to remind my readers of more pressing issues. Issues that have been brought to my attention as of recently. Issues that demand immediate action. It is a tragedy that no war can even come close to... a tragedy that begs for not only a moment of silence but, also, a bottle of hair dye.
I am talking about Kim Kardashian. Specifically, I am referring to her new 'do. The Kardashians are no more than a bunch of shit dicks. No more, no less. They are the the shit dicks of all the dick dicks, if you will. I actually have not watched a lot of the show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." For years I have literally gone out of my way to avoid the show. You know, kind of like the way I have gone out of my way to avoid crack cocaine my whole life? I know I would just love it way, way too much.
It would be an addiction that I could not control. I would be a Kardashian monster like every other dumb biddy I know. However, I did catch one episode. I think it was a relatively recent episode because Kim was pregnant with little North West. Now Kim definitely has it all: the guy, the looks and the money. But, now, all Kim really wants in this world is to eat her own placenta. Or at least, she wants to talk about it...a lot. Hey, we have all been there. Sometimes I get tired of the usual cuisine. I want to spice things up a bit. A little placenta now and then would be nice. Kim has a point.
Maybe I live under a rock but is this a common thing? Why am I learning about this from the fucking Kardashians? I kind of refuse to believe that there are women who actually do this. Yeah, I guess I am being a little closed-minded and perhaps there are some healthy proteins in one's placenta... but...but...can we please just eat a cheeseburger like a normal human being? I mean, do we have to go to such extremes, Kim???

Wow, complete digression there, my apologies. Before I went on the placenta tangent I believe I was just talking about Kim Kardashian, the person... not the placenta. Recently Kim decided to dye her hair blonde. This is a very bold move indeed. Any brunette knows that dying your hair blonde is a slippery slope.
But you probably will fuck it just don't.

One of the MANY perks of being a blonde is having choices. Blondes basically get to choose if they want their hair to be blonde or brunette. The reason being that blondes can easily dye their hair brown and it will most likely always look decent. Brunettes do not usually have this choice. Most brunettes, like myself, would look like absolute creatures with blonde hair.

Okay, I am not saying that Kim Kardashian looks bad. She looks good. In fact, she looks fucking hot, but I do not want to any of my fellow brunette biddies to get any crazy ideas. Think of this as a public service announcement of some sort.
You got to keep things in perspective. Kim Kardashian is, well, Kim Kardashian. Intelligent, she is not, but she is fucking banging. This is the only reason why the blonde works. Unless you know for an absolute FACT that you are a banging female, I would refrain from making any rash decisions. I want all of my brunette biddies to repeat this mantra with me:

"I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian."

We all must remind ourselves of this sad truth. It is when and only when we reach this moment of self-acceptance that we will truly be zen.

I would also like to point out one last thing. Yeah, blondes are generally considered hotter than brunettes. I read something, somewhere that it is actually biological. Men are naturally more attracted to blonde hair than they are to brown hair. That's cool and stuff, I guess. However, I have found that I can never truly trust a guy who actually says they prefer blondes over brunettes. A man who does is shallow, bland and poopy. AND THAT'S FO DAMN SHO!

Brunettes run the world, yo. Well, except for, like, Hillary Clinton. She's a pretty fucking badass blonde if I do say so.