Friday, March 13, 2015

Weird Stuff

There are a lot of weird things in this world if you REALLY think about it. I have spent a large majority of my time this week pondering the things that I just find so completely bizarre and will be shocked and appalled if you tell me otherwise. Weird things are happening all around you, people. Open up your eyes and actually see the true madness for once.

These are the seven weirdest things around:

1) Nipples.

So, ridiculously, entirely weird. Let us just start with the word itself: nipples? N-I-P-P-L-E-S Say it three times very slowly (and make sure you are at work when you do). See what I mean? The word in itself is so incredibly bizarre (and a little disheartening).

Also, nipples are one of the most mystifying things on our body. I mean, think about it, no other part of our body produces a substance to be ingested. I am like a walking milk factory, just waiting to be sucked dry one day. Yumm-o!

To add to the weirdness, people get these little suckers pierced for cryin' out loud! I mean, what does the human mind even make of all this? Food factories are also some kind of weird sex thing?

In addition, some food for thought, why are the nipples the only part of the breasticle that are not allowed to be viewed in public? Questions, I pose them.

Why are we all so fascinated by the nipples? Nipples, what IS it about you that enthralls us all?!

2) Trombones.
I am going to go out on a limb here but I bet at least one of you has had a week or two long obsession about the inner-workings of this brass instrument. Again, first of all, the name? How did that name come about? And how can we just ignore the presence of the word "bone" there?

Also, like, what is going on with this instrument? It seems so elaborate and confusing, I wonder how any person can ever truly understand the real truth behind this gadget. Personally, I can not wrap my head around this thing.

3) Buttons

I understand the usage of buttons but they are still just absurd to me. Perplexed by their circular shape and their usage, I can not help but be drawn to them. I own many button down shirts and I never get sick of buttoning and unbuttoning them (sometimes, unfortunately, at inappropriate times).

The little holes in the middle are practical but still questionable. I can't help but think that buttons are some kind of perverted, sick joke that I am just not getting.

4) Avocados
Very often you will find fruits posing as vegetables but avocados take this to the extreme. They take this task way too far and someone needs to stop them. Avocados are way out of line and Obama should start taking action for once.

5) Vases
I can not decide whether or not it is that vases are weird or that I just do not like them. I mean, some vases are just plain attention-whores. They are basically competing to be prettier than FLOWERS. This is a very immature action. How can a vase think that it really stands a chance next to a beautiful chrysanthemum or a lovely daisy?

Stop trying so hard vases and stop being so weirdly obsessed with attention.

6) Lint

The word in itself is mysterious and kind of disgusting. If you have ever done a load of laundry (which I know half of you haven't, you lazy fucks) then you know how weird this shit is. Its soft, rough, fluffy and terrifying all at once. I dare you to find something as weird and as intimidating as a big ball of lint. I fucking dare you.

7) Capricorns

Howard Hughes,  Michelle Obama, J.D. Salinger... all Capricorns. Creepists, they are. Weirdos, yes indeed. I have said it before and I will say it again, be very careful around these Capricorn characters. You may think they just want to go for a leisurely walk down a deserted block with a knife but they may really just wanna turn you into their next couch or ottoman. And do not, absolutely do not, look them directly in the eye. They hate that.

Kate Middleton hates that.