Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Men of My Dreams

This may be surprising to all of you, but I am a single (and somewhat, reluctantly ready to mingle) young biddy. I know: shocking and appalling.
I think the thing is that I am all too comfortable being single. In fact, I believe being single is innately part of me (if that's like a gene or some shit, I have it). Now, do not get me wrong, I am not one of these bitter people who sit around and pretend to be revolted by couples and privately cry themselves to sleep to The Notebook or Dear John

No, The Notebook is a merely a bean-flicker as far as I am concerned and I have never even watched Dear John (Amanda Seyfried gives me a vagina ache... cause that's a thing). So, no, I am not anti-couples. More power to to their simple souls.

As I have touched on before, in my gay marriage post years ago (the one where I believe that all gay couples must be forced into marriage so they can suffer through forced legal monogamy as heterosexuals do), getting a boyfriend, getting engaged and getting married seems to be forced upon us biddies against our will. For if we do not, our nether regions will be assumed to be either porcupin(ed) or corn-rowed. 

(Mine are currently corn-rowed with those tropical beads you get when you were on vacation in middle school...guys LIVE for it).

Any who, my point? What is my point again?

Oh right, okay. So the truth is, there is not a lot to choose from these days for a heterosexual girl. Slim pickins, if you will. Over the years, I have found that heterosexual guys fall into five categories of lady-boner kills. Each of them worse than the last. They all are just hoping to trick a biddy long enough into thinking he is worth her time to have sex with.

Here are the five generalized types of guys we heterosexual, single girls have to choose from (because generalizations are fun for cryin' out loud):

1) The "Naps"

These are the guys that may literally put you to sleep. They usually go on and on about how they saw twenty Phish concerts and for some reason or another they think that this is a fact that makes them "interesting" or worth fucking. Then, when you give them that look of both confusion and pity, they think that maybe flicking on a Phish song will change your mind and miraculously cause you to grow a female chub.
No. There is no chub. There never will be a chub.

No matter how many Phish songs you play or talk about, you will always be duller than dull.

2) The Guy Who Suddenly Got Ass

We all know one of these. They are the guys who you can tell did not even touch a boob in high school (possibly not even for the first two years of college) but then, all of a sudden, one brave girl finally stood up to the plate and volunteered to give him a blow job. Now, all of a sudden, he thinks he is some kind of "hot commodity."
"Hey, what do you say we go back to my room and listen to Dogs by Pink Floyd on repeat?" A bold move, sir. Very bold.

What a panty dropper. How did he NOT get laid all of these years?! I still wonder.

3) The Sex Pervert

Sexual harassment, assault and rape aside, out of all the guys on this list, I find the sex pervert to be the most amusing (as long as they are at LEAST 1 mile away from me). Perhaps ALMOST amusing enough to bang...ALMOST, but not quite. Now, do not get me wrong, every single guy is a sex pervert. Even the guys who go around acting like sex does not exist for the first few months you know them, they are perverts too (it's biology... or sociology... whatever, you debate it). 

Anyways, "the sex perverts" are the guys who are up front about their sexual perversions. These are the guys who will admit openly that they have had a bakers dozen number of threesomes (that's thirteen, you morons). These are the guys who ask you "what are you good at in bed?" the first time you meet them. Guys, you might as well just ask me if I would like to fuck you. Spare me the chit-chat, spare me the foreplay. Just give it to me straight.

4) The Psycho

Mhm. I know this guy all too well. Driven mostly by insecurity, the psycho is usually the life-ruiner. Manipulative, clever (but not really that clever because they ARE psychotic at the end of the day) and usually they have names that start with S, W, K, J, L... wait, basically every letter in the alphabet. 

The psycho guys will do psycho things to win you over, all the while trying to make you feel like you are, in fact, the psychotic one. They usually will approach you with grand gestures like offering to kill their best friend in return for your love or offer to binge watch the whole Gilmore Girls series with you. Also, they usually have two Facebook accounts.

Bottom line, ladies, you will know the psycho when you see them (or at least you will eventually, but then it may be too late...)

5) The "Genius"

Ugh, do not get me wrong, I am sure there are some "intelligent" guys out there. Really, I do. I have faith and I do believe in miracles (they happen everyday)! When this gentleman is located, I am sure it will be trending on Facebook, Twitter AND Yahoo. Until then, us biddies must still pretend that the guys that we know have a brain cell in their head.
However, if a biddy is unlucky enough, they will run into quite a few of these "genius" fellows. These are the guys that for, some reason or another, have it in their head that they are, indeed, "smart." Perhaps all of the fantasy football went to their head, maybe they are a master at Call of Duty or perhaps they picked up a book (maybe even one without pictures!) Whatever it is, this experience was truly life-altering for them. They now seem to have these delusions of grandeur. All of a sudden they fancy themselves a Stephen Hawking of sorts (they may even try to speak in his voice in hopes of getting an over-the-pants hand job, you gotta look out for that).

So, there you have it. Your complete list of guy generalizations. Read them, love them and never, ever leave home without them.




P.S. One order of female Viagra por favor!