Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Yolo That Broke the Camel's Back

Generally speaking, there are only so many times a person can use the word "yolo" in front of me without eventually receiving a swift blow to the old cooter. The lamest of the acronyms and perhaps the most pessimistic if you actually think about it, "yolo" seems to be a phrase plagued with atheist undertones (and overtones for that matter). I mean, you only live once? How about fucking heaven and hell and shit? Or if you don't buy that nonsense, what about, like, reincarnation? These things are hardly even considered by the people who have committed their life to this flippant phrase.

For those of you lucky, ignorant sons of bitches who have no fucking clue what I am talking about,
"yolo" is an acronym for the cliche "You only live once." So, you could see how a good Catholic girl like myself would be opposed to such a sentiment. I was promised eternal life in either heaven or hell. I did not sign up for this one time deal crap that all of you complacent bitches seem completely content with accepting.

You are telling me that all that time I spent in confession, apologizing to the priests about my compulsive masturbation habit was for nothing? I want those hours of my life back.

...Enter: Zac Efron. I know, many of you are sitting there puzzled and confused. How can such a beautiful creature--not to mention the brilliant mind behind High School Musical (and That Awkward Moment, for that matter)-- even relate to such a preposterous, ignorant and morbid view of human kind?!
Well, let me tell you. Behind that beautiful body, obviously carved by angels, lives a dark, dark human being. Behind those perfectly sculpted abs and flawless pecks... is a yolo believer. Sometime in the past few years, I do not know when exactly, he went over to the dark side. Zefron decided to tattoo his hand with this boner-killing acronym, thus destroying my lady wood for eternity (and maybe even longer).
A permanent flaccid boner is all my future holds for Zefron. I am repulsed, disappointed and disillusioned, all at the same time.

To make matters worse, I recently ventured out of my room (something I seldom do...) to see the movie Neighbors. I had really low-expectations for this film. Seth Rogan has not been funny since... well, I guess never, and Zac Efron does not have one funny bone in his perfect body. Nonetheless, I paid my eleven dollars and I made a night of it. I even stayed out later than my nine o'clock bedtime.
After being ID'd three times, by three different sixteen year olds working at the movie theatre, they all decided that it was safe to let me into this movie. It was a very strict movie theatre.

I am pretty sure that a mere ten minutes into the movie, everyone in the theatre came to the same realization: Zac Efron's beauty can only keep you engaged for a maximum of ten minutes. Shortly after the movie began, I wish I had spent my night doing the usual: perusing google images and eating pickles. Looking at a picture of Zefron's abs on my computer would have sufficed. In other words, I made a big mistake and I spent an hour and a half of my life paying for it.
I think it is not too bold of a statement to say that Zefron lost a little bit of his humanity upon getting that "yolo" tattoo (or maybe he lost it somewhere in Vanessa Hudgens vagina, a few years back). Either way, it is gone and I doubt it will ever come back.

In short, Zac Efron, if you are reading this, this is a public break-up letter. I guess you can say, life got in the way of our love (or something cliche like that). I hope you find what you are looking for in this crazy, fucked up world. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Yolo though.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Monica Lewinsky Beyonce'd All Over Our Dresses

...and faces.

Anyone else getting a little sick and tired of these Beyonce antics? Anyone else kind of pissed the hell off that she will not release her music to Spotify and therefore will not let me listen to "Irreplaceable" for free, for as many times as I want? Instead, I am forced into a life of crime and thievery. I took to Frostwire, Limewire or whatever the fuck kind of wire that would get me the shitty music that I refuse to pay a fifty cents for, dammit.
I am an outlaw and it is Beyonce's fucking fault.

Now, just between us biddies, I have a confession that may land me on a couple of shit lists. (But when the fuck has that ever stopped me??!!) The truth is, I never really bought into the whole Beyonce obsession. I liked her music but I doubted the "fabulousness" that so many people insisted was there. Besides, anyone who marries Jay-Z is a punk ass bitch, in my humble biddy opinion. Between the vanity and the over-the-top marketing, I was always bothered by her annoying face. Specifically, her fake female empowerment ploys are quite bothersome to me. You can not sing about the "joy" of being a "single lady" if you are not, in fact, a single lady (and have not been for a while, I may add). 
Leave the single lady talk to the bitter, miserable single ladies like myself, thank you. Besides, I can not for the life of me figure out how twerking around, opening your legs and flaunting your cooter translates to female empowerment. Yay, feminism?  

On the topic of female empowerment, that moves us to our main order of biddy business: Monica Lewinsky. She is not feeling Beyonce these days either. Mainly because Beyonce has been running her mouth in all kinds of stupid ways.
I am sure you have all seen the recent articles talking about how Lewinsky has now started talking about her affair with President Bill Clinton. A blow job heard round the world immediately thrusted Lewinsky into the public eye. Ever since the affair, she has been scrutinized and slut-shamed by basically every single person in the country. Rap song after rap song has been written about her, and now Beyonce wants a piece of the slut-shaming pie.

By calling the "Queen Bee" out on her grammatical mishap, it would appear that Lewinsky has cleaned off her presidential, skeet-riddled dress and is now coming forward to join hands with the biddy nation that I always knew she would come back to.
So she gave the president of the United States a blow job. Big whoop. I have done way worse with way uglier...not to mention, WAY less important. Besides, I met Bill Clinton a few years ago and I can see the blow job appeal. The man just attracts the blow jobs. I saw him turn down like five different blow jobs during the 10 second time-span that I met him.

Now, again, not to be tooting any kind of feminist horn here, but why is Beyonce piggy-backing off of the stale, misogynist jokes that have been made for years? What happened to female empowerment, Queen B? What happened to celebrating the Single Ladies and Naughty Girls of our nation? And, more importantly, why did your last album suck so miserably?
Out of the 21 songs on the fucking album, not one of them even dared to be good?!? I mean "Drunk in Love" does not even go anywhere. It has been months and I am still waiting for the chorus to start.

What I do find interesting is the timing of Monica Lewinsky's "coming out," so to speak. With the recent chatter of Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign on the horizon, it seems a little coincidental that Lewinsky is now back in the picture. Paid off? Publicity stunt? ...Pizza? Questions, I pose them.
Regardless, although this was a small gesture of sass on Lewinsky's part, I hope to see more of this young biddy in the future.

In the mean time, more grammar lessons, fewer blow jays, my good hoe.


Friday, May 2, 2014

A Young Biddy's Guide to the Stars

Horoscopes. Some may say they are a bunch of malarkey, but those people are what we refer to as: ignorant, common folk (or they are probably just a Cancer). Either way, if one is intelligent, one would KNOW that one can learn a lot about a person through their horoscope sign. It is an excellent way to generalize and to judge someone before you even meet them! Call it prejudice or call it genius, this is a young biddy's guide to the zodiac. Here goes offending just about everyone I know and love:

Capricorn (12/33-1/19): The Greedy Creeps

These are the weird fuckers of the bunch. You never know what they are thinking, you never know what they are scheming. At the end of the day, they usually wind up being the person who turns you into a lamp shade or a nipple necklace and sell you for a quick buck. Just sayin'.

Celebrities Capricorns:

Michelle Obama

Barack revealed in a recent interview that Michelle has a peculiar cheez-it fetish (and dabbles in Wheat Thins).


Never wander into any dark alleys with this cat...

Aquarius (1/20- 2/18): The Dumbass Freaks

Aquarians are air heads. They are your basic, basic biddies. Many who sympathize with their plight will argue that it is not stupidity but rather that they operate on a "different level" or "in their own world." However, I think I speak for anyone with a brain that that is not one world I want to be living in.

Celebrity Aquarians:

Oprah Winfrey

Just because you speak like a prophet does not mean you have one brain cell to your name.

Ashton Kutcher

I mean, duh.

Pisces (2/19-3/20): The Flakey Weirdos

No one can really pin down a pisces. They are slippery and sneaky. If you do not watch your back, they may spontaneously try to either smother you with their vaginas or suffocate you with a hand cupped with their farts. Unpredictable, unmanageable and unfreakinbelievable lot of people these Pisces.

Celebrity Pisces:

Carrie Underwood

I heard she enjoys farting in her car with the windows up. What is it with Pisces and farting?
 Lil Bow Wow

What a flake. Where did he even go????!!!!

Aries (3/21-4/19): The Don't Fuck With Them(s) (they cray)

Allow me to phrase this simply and diplomatically: Aries are fucking crazy. Yeah, they tend to be good looking and, yes, incredibly charismatic. However, all it takes is one bad move with an Aries to land yourself in boiling hot water. Prepare to be water boarded until you make amends for your wrong doings. I heard James Franco tasered his friend for two whole weeks because he cheated in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Tread lightly with this crew.

Celebrity Aries: 

James Franco

I wouldn't lie about sleeping with him if I were you...

Mariah Carey

She will hunt you downnnn

Taurus (4/20-5/20): The Whiney Pussies

Did you know that the census calculated that Taurus makes up the largest pussy population in the world? They are overly-sensitive, stubborn and just over-all annoying as fuck. They have been playing the victim card since 1803. Good luck telling them to grow a pair of balls and deal with the real world without acting like everything is a My Sister's Keeper moment. Please, by all means, waste some more fucking trees on your kleenex problem, Taurus. I mean, really? Do they not even care about the rainforest?

Celebrity Tauruses:

Chris Brown

Total pussy.

Miranda Cosgrove


Gemini (5/21-6/20): The Lying, Stealing, Cheating Son of a Bitch(es) (basically the worst people you will ever meet)

Hold me back...*Breath in, breathe out*

I am about to get all kinds of Aries on you. I can not help it when I talk about the Gemini. The worst of all the horoscope signs, in my humble opinion (the Mirandas of the Sex and the City, The Tinky-Winkys of the Teletubbies and the Sporties of the Spice Girls, if you will). Being the multi-taskers of the zodiac, Geminis will cheat on you with your best friend, lie about it ever happening and stand you up for your date at McDonald's because they were too busy watching gay porn, doing their laundry, painting a mediocre portrait of their dog and kayaking (all at the same time, obviously). Stay away from the Gemini. Don't even look one directly in the eye.

Celebrity Gemini:

Kanye West

Everyone knows how I feel about Kanye West.

Angelina Jolie

Apology not accepted, Gemini.

Cancer (6/21-7/22): The Attention Whores

I really do feel bad for the Cancers. No one really likes them very much because they are just so goddamn annoying. Starving, absofuckinglutely, starving for attention at all times, Cancer lives for an audience. It is a miserable existence to be a Cancer, quite frankly. Many Cancers resort to buying stuffed animals in bulk to line along the perimeter of the room so that they can pretend that people are watching and care what they have to say. Those poor, poor stuffed animals are the true victims here. No one cares, Cancer, no one cares. *Pats Cancer's head*

Celebrity Cancers:

Lindsay Lohan

I don't think this one needs an explanation.

Tom Cruise

Lol... or this one.

Leo (7/23-8/22): The Egotistical Control Freaks

Total control freaks and totally full of themselves. This is all of that king of the jungle crap. Yeah, okay booboos, everyday is not a re-enactment of The Lion King. Get over it, move on. There are better Disney movies out there anyways. That movie wasn't even that great. And seriously, let someone else be on top for just once.

Celebrity Leos:

Barack Obama

This one is so full of himself.


Madonna, we have Lady Gaga now. Class dismissed...

Virgo (8/23-9/22): The Anal Buttheads

I really hardly think of the Virgo if I am being quite honest. Which is funny, because they spend most of their time thinking about how they appear to others (to me, you do not appear at all). I think at the end of the day, Virgos mean well, they really do. They just need to calm their fucking periods. Enough with the anal retentive nonsense. I have no time for any of it. NEXXXXXXXXXXT.

Celebrity Virgos:

Beyonce Knowles

I guess she is kinda perfect... but whatever.

Niall Horan

I guess he is also kinda cute...but whatever.

Libra (9/23-10/22): The Ones with the Jesus Complex

The Tyra Bankses of the Zodiac, if you so please. I believe every Libra is born with a Jesus Complex. They really take the whole "balance" thing to the extreme. Just because you "strive for balance" does not make you Jesus fucking Christ. All it does is make you sound annoying and pretentious. And quite frankly, less likely to receive an invitation to my birthday party. Libras are constantly using lines like "I keep pussy running like a faucet" and "I am the best rapper alive." It is absurd. Stop acting like your shit does not stink because I smelled a Libra's shit once... and it smelled like, well, shit.

Celebrity Libras:

Lil Wayne

He wishes he could fuck every girl in the world? What happened to moderation? Bad libra!!!!

Kim Kardashian

Ugh. Tell me more about respect, Kim.

Scorpio (10/23-10/21): The Coolest People you will ever meet (and most underrated sign of all time)

I like to think of Scorpio as the sign that God was striving to create all along. All of these other signs were just failed attempts. The Scorpio combines all of the elements of a perfect human being. Brains, beauty, sanity (I AM ALWAYS LEVEL HEADED GODDAMMIT!) and compassion are just some of the positive qualities you can use to describe the Scorpio. Oh, and we are humble too.

Celebrity Scorpios:

Ryan Gosling

Like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way! <3 p="">

Emma Stone

Who doesn't wanna be Emma Stones best friend? I mean, seriously?

Sagittarius  (11/22-12/21): The Knock-off Scorpios

These are the wannabe Scorpios, if you ask me. Yeah, it is good to be a fan and everything but stop sucking our dicks so much. Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Your shit just is not as good as a Scorpio's so, please, TAYLOR SWIFT, stop trying so hard. Think of it like this: Scorpios are Dolce and Gabanna, and Sagittarians are those silly little knock-off bags you buy from those vendors on the streets in NYC. Sorry I am not sorry.

Celebrity Sagittarians:

Miley Cyrus

She said she can't stop but, Miley, you must reconsider stopping.

Jake Gylenhaal

No self-respecting Scorpio would date Taylor Swift. That is why you are a Sagittarius, sir.

Love you bitches!!!!