Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Yolo That Broke the Camel's Back

Generally speaking, there are only so many times a person can use the word "yolo" in front of me without eventually receiving a swift blow to the old cooter. The lamest of the acronyms and perhaps the most pessimistic if you actually think about it, "yolo" seems to be a phrase plagued with atheist undertones (and overtones for that matter). I mean, you only live once? How about fucking heaven and hell and shit? Or if you don't buy that nonsense, what about, like, reincarnation? These things are hardly even considered by the people who have committed their life to this flippant phrase.

For those of you lucky, ignorant sons of bitches who have no fucking clue what I am talking about,
"yolo" is an acronym for the cliche "You only live once." So, you could see how a good Catholic girl like myself would be opposed to such a sentiment. I was promised eternal life in either heaven or hell. I did not sign up for this one time deal crap that all of you complacent bitches seem completely content with accepting.

You are telling me that all that time I spent in confession, apologizing to the priests about my compulsive masturbation habit was for nothing? I want those hours of my life back.

...Enter: Zac Efron. I know, many of you are sitting there puzzled and confused. How can such a beautiful creature--not to mention the brilliant mind behind High School Musical (and That Awkward Moment, for that matter)-- even relate to such a preposterous, ignorant and morbid view of human kind?!
Well, let me tell you. Behind that beautiful body, obviously carved by angels, lives a dark, dark human being. Behind those perfectly sculpted abs and flawless pecks... is a yolo believer. Sometime in the past few years, I do not know when exactly, he went over to the dark side. Zefron decided to tattoo his hand with this boner-killing acronym, thus destroying my lady wood for eternity (and maybe even longer).
A permanent flaccid boner is all my future holds for Zefron. I am repulsed, disappointed and disillusioned, all at the same time.

To make matters worse, I recently ventured out of my room (something I seldom do...) to see the movie Neighbors. I had really low-expectations for this film. Seth Rogan has not been funny since... well, I guess never, and Zac Efron does not have one funny bone in his perfect body. Nonetheless, I paid my eleven dollars and I made a night of it. I even stayed out later than my nine o'clock bedtime.
After being ID'd three times, by three different sixteen year olds working at the movie theatre, they all decided that it was safe to let me into this movie. It was a very strict movie theatre.

I am pretty sure that a mere ten minutes into the movie, everyone in the theatre came to the same realization: Zac Efron's beauty can only keep you engaged for a maximum of ten minutes. Shortly after the movie began, I wish I had spent my night doing the usual: perusing google images and eating pickles. Looking at a picture of Zefron's abs on my computer would have sufficed. In other words, I made a big mistake and I spent an hour and a half of my life paying for it.
I think it is not too bold of a statement to say that Zefron lost a little bit of his humanity upon getting that "yolo" tattoo (or maybe he lost it somewhere in Vanessa Hudgens vagina, a few years back). Either way, it is gone and I doubt it will ever come back.

In short, Zac Efron, if you are reading this, this is a public break-up letter. I guess you can say, life got in the way of our love (or something cliche like that). I hope you find what you are looking for in this crazy, fucked up world. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Yolo though.


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