Sunday, May 11, 2014

Monica Lewinsky Beyonce'd All Over Our Dresses

...and faces.

Anyone else getting a little sick and tired of these Beyonce antics? Anyone else kind of pissed the hell off that she will not release her music to Spotify and therefore will not let me listen to "Irreplaceable" for free, for as many times as I want? Instead, I am forced into a life of crime and thievery. I took to Frostwire, Limewire or whatever the fuck kind of wire that would get me the shitty music that I refuse to pay a fifty cents for, dammit.
I am an outlaw and it is Beyonce's fucking fault.

Now, just between us biddies, I have a confession that may land me on a couple of shit lists. (But when the fuck has that ever stopped me??!!) The truth is, I never really bought into the whole Beyonce obsession. I liked her music but I doubted the "fabulousness" that so many people insisted was there. Besides, anyone who marries Jay-Z is a punk ass bitch, in my humble biddy opinion. Between the vanity and the over-the-top marketing, I was always bothered by her annoying face. Specifically, her fake female empowerment ploys are quite bothersome to me. You can not sing about the "joy" of being a "single lady" if you are not, in fact, a single lady (and have not been for a while, I may add). 
Leave the single lady talk to the bitter, miserable single ladies like myself, thank you. Besides, I can not for the life of me figure out how twerking around, opening your legs and flaunting your cooter translates to female empowerment. Yay, feminism?  

On the topic of female empowerment, that moves us to our main order of biddy business: Monica Lewinsky. She is not feeling Beyonce these days either. Mainly because Beyonce has been running her mouth in all kinds of stupid ways.
I am sure you have all seen the recent articles talking about how Lewinsky has now started talking about her affair with President Bill Clinton. A blow job heard round the world immediately thrusted Lewinsky into the public eye. Ever since the affair, she has been scrutinized and slut-shamed by basically every single person in the country. Rap song after rap song has been written about her, and now Beyonce wants a piece of the slut-shaming pie.

By calling the "Queen Bee" out on her grammatical mishap, it would appear that Lewinsky has cleaned off her presidential, skeet-riddled dress and is now coming forward to join hands with the biddy nation that I always knew she would come back to.
So she gave the president of the United States a blow job. Big whoop. I have done way worse with way uglier...not to mention, WAY less important. Besides, I met Bill Clinton a few years ago and I can see the blow job appeal. The man just attracts the blow jobs. I saw him turn down like five different blow jobs during the 10 second time-span that I met him.

Now, again, not to be tooting any kind of feminist horn here, but why is Beyonce piggy-backing off of the stale, misogynist jokes that have been made for years? What happened to female empowerment, Queen B? What happened to celebrating the Single Ladies and Naughty Girls of our nation? And, more importantly, why did your last album suck so miserably?
Out of the 21 songs on the fucking album, not one of them even dared to be good?!? I mean "Drunk in Love" does not even go anywhere. It has been months and I am still waiting for the chorus to start.

What I do find interesting is the timing of Monica Lewinsky's "coming out," so to speak. With the recent chatter of Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign on the horizon, it seems a little coincidental that Lewinsky is now back in the picture. Paid off? Publicity stunt? ...Pizza? Questions, I pose them.
Regardless, although this was a small gesture of sass on Lewinsky's part, I hope to see more of this young biddy in the future.

In the mean time, more grammar lessons, fewer blow jays, my good hoe.


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