Sunday, September 8, 2013

Blonder & Blander

In the midst of what seems like an overabundance of attention directed at this crisis in Syria, I feel it is my duty, nay, my calling, to remind my readers of more pressing issues. Issues that have been brought to my attention as of recently. Issues that demand immediate action. It is a tragedy that no war can even come close to... a tragedy that begs for not only a moment of silence but, also, a bottle of hair dye.
I am talking about Kim Kardashian. Specifically, I am referring to her new 'do. The Kardashians are no more than a bunch of shit dicks. No more, no less. They are the the shit dicks of all the dick dicks, if you will. I actually have not watched a lot of the show "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." For years I have literally gone out of my way to avoid the show. You know, kind of like the way I have gone out of my way to avoid crack cocaine my whole life? I know I would just love it way, way too much.
It would be an addiction that I could not control. I would be a Kardashian monster like every other dumb biddy I know. However, I did catch one episode. I think it was a relatively recent episode because Kim was pregnant with little North West. Now Kim definitely has it all: the guy, the looks and the money. But, now, all Kim really wants in this world is to eat her own placenta. Or at least, she wants to talk about it...a lot. Hey, we have all been there. Sometimes I get tired of the usual cuisine. I want to spice things up a bit. A little placenta now and then would be nice. Kim has a point.
Maybe I live under a rock but is this a common thing? Why am I learning about this from the fucking Kardashians? I kind of refuse to believe that there are women who actually do this. Yeah, I guess I am being a little closed-minded and perhaps there are some healthy proteins in one's placenta... but...but...can we please just eat a cheeseburger like a normal human being? I mean, do we have to go to such extremes, Kim???

Wow, complete digression there, my apologies. Before I went on the placenta tangent I believe I was just talking about Kim Kardashian, the person... not the placenta. Recently Kim decided to dye her hair blonde. This is a very bold move indeed. Any brunette knows that dying your hair blonde is a slippery slope.
But you probably will fuck it just don't.

One of the MANY perks of being a blonde is having choices. Blondes basically get to choose if they want their hair to be blonde or brunette. The reason being that blondes can easily dye their hair brown and it will most likely always look decent. Brunettes do not usually have this choice. Most brunettes, like myself, would look like absolute creatures with blonde hair.

Okay, I am not saying that Kim Kardashian looks bad. She looks good. In fact, she looks fucking hot, but I do not want to any of my fellow brunette biddies to get any crazy ideas. Think of this as a public service announcement of some sort.
You got to keep things in perspective. Kim Kardashian is, well, Kim Kardashian. Intelligent, she is not, but she is fucking banging. This is the only reason why the blonde works. Unless you know for an absolute FACT that you are a banging female, I would refrain from making any rash decisions. I want all of my brunette biddies to repeat this mantra with me:

"I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian. I am not Kim Kardashian."

We all must remind ourselves of this sad truth. It is when and only when we reach this moment of self-acceptance that we will truly be zen.

I would also like to point out one last thing. Yeah, blondes are generally considered hotter than brunettes. I read something, somewhere that it is actually biological. Men are naturally more attracted to blonde hair than they are to brown hair. That's cool and stuff, I guess. However, I have found that I can never truly trust a guy who actually says they prefer blondes over brunettes. A man who does is shallow, bland and poopy. AND THAT'S FO DAMN SHO!

Brunettes run the world, yo. Well, except for, like, Hillary Clinton. She's a pretty fucking badass blonde if I do say so.


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