Saturday, August 31, 2013

Robin Thicke Might Not Have That Big of a Dick

Maybe I'm going deaf, maybe I'm going blind, maybe I'm out of my mind but I am very skeptical about Robin Thicke's testimony concerning his man parts. Hey, I could be wrong, it has happened once or twice before but I always try to go with my gut on these things. (That is, unless, Mr. Thicke dick wants to show the class some pictorial evidence of his situation). Until then, I am sticking with my feelings on this one.

Now, I would not normally care about his or any other man's dick size for that matter. Quite frankly, it is none of my concern. However, I think that Mr. Thicke Dick's dick complex (a complex that is shared with basically every man who has ever lived...)played a large part in the controversy concerning my girl Miley. Most people have heard the song "Blurred Lines." I definitely was into it about the first million times I heard it on the radio. Catchy as fuck, indeed. I even tolerated the music video because it had the love of my life, the fire of my loins, my sin, my soul... my T.I. (and not to mention the other love of my life... Pharrell Williams. We are talking Niagra Falls between my legs, people).
Needless to say, the first few times that I saw the video, I was quite distracted by these two men to even pay attention to any of the content. However, I caught word that there was quite a stir over the video. I heard biddies tossing around words like "controversial" and "inappropriate." A little puzzled (but mostly indifferent), I searched the video one more time to re-investigate (business, not pleasure this time) and I'll be damned, this whole time I had been watching the EDITED version of it. As it turns out, the unedited version is a little more interesting...

...and a hell of a lot more thought provoking.

Music videos do not usually show full nipple action, but it seems like this was the theme of the summer. Justin Timberlake soon followed suit with his music video for "Tunnel Vision." 
For years it seems that music video directors have shied away from nudity in the truest sense of the word. They had stuck strictly to the theory that it ONLY counts if you see the nipple. It is a well-respected and thoroughly researched theory, indeed.

Now, I have a couple of thoughts about these numb nuts. For starters, Justin, my dear, I (along with your MOSTLY female fan base) would have probably preferred to see you naked, instead of three anonymous women. Like, what are they even doing? We get it, they have boobs. So do I. If I want to check out a pair of those I have, like, three mirrors in my room. What I do not have, is a proper mental image of YOUR special parts. Mull that over, Justin. That goes for you too: Pharrell and T.I. Something to think about, food for thought, if you will.

Okay, back to the bigger picture. The video and lyrics for "Blurred Lines" are in no way, shape or form "blurry." In fact, for some time I thought that was what made the video so comical. Here we have blatant, honest degradation of women. You know, like the good old days and shit. Mr. Thicke Dick was being ironic, I told myself... and color me hipster but I am down with some good irony now and then.

ANYWAYS, let's fast forward to the Miley shit that went down. For anyone who reads my blog regularly probably will recall my post on Miley a couple of weeks back. It was because I was well-versed in the Miley's new image, I not only was unsurprised by this performance but I expected it. Miley's stunt at the VMAs was a direct continuation of her music video for "We Can't Stop." The only thing that was added to her act you ask? The missing piece, of course, the reason why she was twerking in the first place! All she needed was the male to watch her twerk for crying out loud! Enter: Mr. Thicke Dick (Aka: the male gaze).
Thicke Dick has spoken liberally about the "Blurred Lines" message. When asked if this is at all degrading he responded with a joke, "Of course it is. What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman. I've never gotten to do that before. I've always respected women." Quite the jokester he is, isn't he?

Alright, feminists, anti-feminists and biddy queens, please hear me out. The dynamic between Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke at the VMAs was pretty textbook women's studies shit (feminists are writing up new textbooks as we speak, complaining about this shit, I promise you). The state of modern day masculinity is directly portrayed in these series of events. For those of us who have worked to crucify Miley (and I will admit, I have had a few choice words concerning her usage of the beloved foam finger) are in for some very unsettling facts. The slut-shaming is exactly what Miley sought when broadcasting this image (same goes for female singers like Rihanna). In a patriarchy obsessed with this idea of masculinity and the anxiety that our male-dominated society has over losing that power, we have developed a sort of female dichotomy which keeps women both subordinate and categorized (divide and conquer, bitches).

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME? Basically, females, specifically in this business, are most successful when they fall into only two categories. The "angel" (Taylor Fucking Swift) or the "slut" (Miley Cyrus). Miley simply chose which angle to take in order to succeed and make some cash money ma honey.
Mr. Thicke Dick's acceptance of Miley bending over and twerking on his junk puts the whole thing in a pretty little misogynistic package. He is the patriarchy, she is the woman not only bending down and accepting it... but twerking with joy about it! And that is EXACTLY how we like things to be!

I am obviously not the first person to figure out that Robin Thicke is no angel and that criticizing Miley for her ridiculous performance is counter-productive. But I just wanted to educate my fellow biddies on some basic shit.

I also find something really fucking annoying about Mr. Thicke Dick making jokes and in turn, people laughing (myself included, LOL) at the prospect of degradation of any kind being "funny." There is something very disconcerting about the fact that misogyny is now appropriated with irony and humor. Like fuck you, dude... dudes.

Now this leads us back, finally, to Thicke Dick's dick testimony. In his video "Blurred Lines" he announces on the wall "Robin Thicke has a big Dick." What a desperate, lame and anxiety-ridden attempt to affirm the power of the phallus. An attempt that he continued to pursue at the VMAs and that he and all other men will continue to try to prove for the rest of their lives (...until the end of time). Yada, yada and so on and so forth.

Oh my god. Listen to me babble on about this stuff. What a bunch of heavy shit. I am sticking to the Real Housewives for now on.



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