Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Buses and Hoes

I consider myself a seasoned Megabus customer. Megabus is a whole new, innovative way to travel. It is nothing like what you have ever experienced on Bolt bus, Shortline or fucking GREYHOUND. Greyhound is for rich, fancy people who have more than 15 dollars to spend on a trip to Boston. Not everyone can be blessed with that wealth.
Good for YOU!

For those of us who are on a bit more of a budget, we have the privilege of riding in style. DOUBLE DECKER STYLE.

Any smart Megabuser knows it is ignorant if you do NOT ride on the top floor. The whole point is to enjoy the extravagance of the whole thing. Take it in...
And that's what I do, every time I travel. With my 4 by 4 inch space and my very own outlet, all I have to do is sit back, hand sanitize frequently and enjoy the show. I have a few favorite characters that I have run into on the road. Allow me to name a few that I will always hold near and dear to my heart.

1) The Cigar Man
It must have been a long day for the Cigar Man. All he wanted in this world was a short ride home on Megabus and his cigar to get him through it. Sitting across the aisle from me, I noticed him almost immediately, chewing on his cigar intently and reading the National Inquirer. Ah, a real intellect, I thought. Only ten minutes into the bus ride the Cigar Man fell into a deep coma and BOOP... out fell his cigar.

Down the aisle it rolled and rolled, then back towards me it creeped...rolling and rolling until it stopped right at my foot. That is where it sat for the next three hours. Unmoved by this, I soon forgot about the cigar altogether. However, fifteen minutes before arrival the Cigar Man awoke. A bump in the road must have woke him from his slumber. It was then that he realized something quite perturbing... his cigar was gone. "Where my cigar at?" He asked the guy sitting next to him. The man shrugs. "Where my cigar at?!" He yelled louder at me from across the aisle. I looked down at my feet and pointed. "Right here..." "MOTHAFUCKA!" he exclaims, then proceeds to bend over, pick up the cigar and stick it right back into his mouth. Now that's a man who is dedicated to his cigar...and you can't fault him for that.

2. The Navigator
Oh yes, the Navigator. A young American with both a very large social circle and a knack for geography. Sitting next to me on a ride from New York to Maryland, the Navigator quickly made it known that he was a very popular individual. Almost every other minute there was another person texting or calling him... all of which, coincidentally, had a name ending in "yo." For example: Slim yo, My girl yo, Rob yo, Lil dog yo, Mom yo, Pops yo, Nana yo. Like, everyone's last name was yo, all yos...no exceptions. After sorting out an issue with "Lisa Yo" over her supposedly stealing a couple of thousand dollars out of his bank account, he fell asleep (as they always do). Soon after falling asleep he took to resting his head comfortably on my shoulder.
The next couple of hours were spent pushing this guy off of my shoulder repeatedly. Little guy just would not take the hint. Finally, with one big push he is was AWOKEN. Confused but unaware of what just happened, The Navigator looked out the window. We were going over the Delaware Bridge. He gasps. "Shit, where are we?" He asks, panic in his voice. "We are going over the Delaware Bridge." His eyes bulge out of his sockets. "We are going in the wrong direction! I'm trying to go to Baltimore! We are going North!" He gets up, completely confused about which action to take next. "We are going South, Delaware is South of New York," I say, trying to calm him. "Are you sure?" "...I'm positive." he relaxes until the bus makes the first stop at Delaware. "WE FUCKED UP!!!!" He says, "I WANNA GO TO BALTIMORE!" With that, he runs off the bus, into the Delaware darkness and out of my life forever. The bus driver announces to the bus "Next stop: Baltimore, Maryland."

3. The Great American
This young fellow must have been no more than eight years of age. He sat next to me during a painfully, painfully long trip to Boston, Massachusetts. What's worse, you know when the bus driver decides to drag the trip out even longer and stop at a rest stop for twenty minutes? Yeah, I fucking hate that shit. So we stop and the entire bus has the choice between Mcdonalds and Burger King. In typical Westchester twat fashion, I opted for the Nature Valley bar that I had in my backpack. The eight year old next to me had a different type of craving, I suppose. He sits back down next to me with a bag filled to the brim and an ice cream cone. First, he took care of the ice cream cone (understandable, that shit has the tendency to melt. Science, ya know?) Then, he opens the bag, eats a bag of fries and then devours not one... but TWO whoppers. 
Now, I have seen kids do some crazy shit in my day but two whoppers? This my friend, is a true American. 
I salute you, brave sir. You are a better man than me.

Megabus will always have a special place in my heart. The people I have met and the places I have seen will never be forgotten (like, never, they haunt my dreams and nightmares). I would not choose to travel any other way. It is all about the journey my fine feathered whores. It is like a great, twerking American once said, "Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb."

So true.


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