Saturday, August 3, 2013

His Royal Fucking Highness Prince George Alexander Louis

Kate Middleton and Prince William recently welcomed a new baby boy and everyone and their MUM seems to care a shit ton about it.
Cue: NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!!! Kate and Will stepped out of a building and whored out their new infant for the public to ogle. You could not watch television without catching a glimpse of the new royal offspring. This overkill of media coverage brought back flashbacks of the royal wedding a few years ago. Ugh, the horror. The absolute fucking horror. I am still working out the post traumatic stress from that wedding. To this day I wake up screaming from nightmares where my maid of honor is wearing white at MY wedding.

Okay, I can appreciate the fact that at least this photo-op was for free and the royal family was not receiving any money for it... but UM HELLO they are the fucking royal family, pretty sure they are not exactly hard up for cash.
For years we have had celebrities whoring out their newborn babies to the public for a paycheck. My favorite was Brad and Angelina posing with their new baby twins, both looking down at them smiling lovingly and affectionately. It was almost as if I could read their thoughts exactly. 
Cash MONEY ma honeyyyyy. Thank god they pimped those babies out for two million dollars, or else they would have been living in squalor. PHEW! I was so worried about all twenty of their investments ----I mean, CHILDREN. I was scared they would have to eat NON-organic vegetables... FOR A MONTH!

As I sat in front of my television, reluctantly, I remember staring at a couple of numb nuts walking down an aisle, a hot ginger bopping around, tempting me with his beauty (gingers are the forbidden fruit, after all), and then staring at a church for a long ass time. Reporters speculated about absolutely NOTHING while the media was locked out of the church. Will they get married? Will they not get married? Only time would tell. 

As it turns out...they did.

The media's excessive attention to these events is only an indication of American's continuous and blatantly ignorant obsession with the royal family. Allow me to remind my fellow Americans of this cute little war we fought way back in the day called the...whatchamacallit...OH YEAH, The American FUCKING Revolution. It was this silly little thing we whimsically decided to do... you know, when the British were being dick wads to us. Dudes like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, you know, just to name some of the colonial panty melters, worked hard for our SHIT and this is how we repay them?
Ungrateful sons a bitches are oohing and awing at this royal family as if we want to go back to being their little puppets. I say fuck you royal family. You can keep your cute little prince. I want nothing to do with it. I have seen better babies in my time. One who goes by the name of Jules, in fact. As a young, baby biddy I was definitely one to be admired. My chubby cheeks and good looks put Prince George to fucking shame. However, was the world graced with my good looks? Of course not. Here I am, one hundred percent American and not one American gives a poop.
Yeah, that's a big whatever.

My message to Prince William and Kate: the baby is cute but, meh, I have seen cuter.

XOXO,
Jules

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