Thursday, July 16, 2015

5 REALLY Good Reasons Why Bill Cosby Can't Be a Rapist

I am so sick of people going around, soiling Bill Cosby's reputation without proper evidence. No more will I stand for it. Instead of just waiting around for any other of America's sweethearts to go up in flames (Robert DeNiro, I'm looking at you). I thought of five solid reasons why all of these allegations are unfounded, untrue and just plain un-American.

1) He had a show on television.

Like, everyone watched his television show. And on his television show he seemed so nice and wholesome! What are you guys saying? All of those years on his sitcom, ALL of those years of touching moments and you are gonna look at me and tell me that was all ACTING? No. No, Dr. Huxtable was the only father-figure I ever had and I know for sure he is the best obstetrician around. I mean, he really knows his way around the vagina (as long as the woman is asleep, that is!). Maybe all of these sexual assault allegations are just a testament to method acting? Ever think of that?
Can you really fault a guy for his commitment to his craft?

2) His wife doesn't think so.

Alright, there you have it. From the horse's mouth or whatever that offensive phrase is. If the wife (who apparently has one hell of a pre-nup) thinks he's innocent than that explanation is good enough for me! She has said it once and she does not have to say it again, these women AGREED to be drugged and raped. They consented to being raped and now they need to live with the consequences.
Years of emotional scarring, STDs, post-traumatic stress and shame. Big whoop!

Maybe you shouldn't have worn that burka to his room if you didn't wanna get drugged and molested. Hell, maybe you shouldn't have been born at all if you didn't want to get raped by Bill Cosby.

But anyways, he didn't rape you. You wanted it, Bill Cosby's wife insisted you I believe her.

3) Only, like, fifty women have accused him.

You're gonna need a little more proof than that to sell me on this one. Fifty women?!
Fill up MetLife stadium with women claiming to have been raped by Bill Cosby and then we can have a conversation about it! Until then, take your measly fifty women and cry to someone who cares.

4) Woody Allen!!!!

Did you all forget about Woody Allen? The "secret" child molester, father-figure who everyone loves and adores and who totally no one thinks is a huge weirdo/predator? I mean, you all are over here attacking poor Old Bill while Woody Allen gets away with murder.

In fact, as a kid, I distinctly remember we had a portrait of Woody Allen right next to our Virgin Mary sculptures and pictures. Woody Allen was an absolute saint in my household.
What's more, last time I heard, that old geezer, Woody, even started a daycare center at his house. I mean this guy has people dropping their kids off at his house like there's no tomorrow and Bill is over here...

...being tortured in his mansion (without any possibility of being arrested or held accountable for his actions, but I digress). I mean for too long we have idolized Woody Allen and allowed ourselves to go down dark alleys with him (if there's anyone I trust going down a dark alley with, it's Woody Allen, hands down).

Besides, if Woody Allen can get away with rape, why can't Bill Cosby?! That's just not fair!

5) Because I say so.

Yeah, I have seen the evidence. The cold hard facts, if you will. And, at the end of the day, I am gonna chalk it up to my gut here. In my gut, I just do not think Bill Cosby raped all those women. And let me tell you, my gut has never steered me wrong before (except, like, maybe always?!)

REGARDLESS, just trust me on this one! K?



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