Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Cute Butts

The news has been one big boner kill as of late. Everyday there seems to be YET AGAIN something else to make us hate being alive.

We wake up (in a bed if we are lucky), we shlep our way to work (if we are lucky... or unlucky enough), we experience the day with all of its annoyances and griefs, just to return home (assuming we haven't been shot down or blown up by someone committed to God or someone just committed to killing) and then we watch or read the news to see who did not make it through the last order of business of the day: staying alive.

During these endless days of dodging bullets, kissing asses and wishing that the guy on the train next to you would just fucking clip his toe nails another time, you start to lose hope. You lose hope that you will ever be happy, you will ever see the light at the end of the Grand Central tunnel (okay maybe I am personalizing that a little bit). Regardless, you feel hopeless. But then, the universe grants you a small, modest glimmer of hope. A tiny, merciful gift of the gluteus maximus nature:

cute guys' butts.

I began noticing these butts a few weeks ago while watching the miserable show The Leftovers. While normally the show wants you to feel suicidal, it slipped up when it gave the viewer an above average look at Justin Theroux's beautiful bedonk.

I mean, the guy is seriously talented in the crap factory area. Never in my life did I need a view of a cute butt more than at that moment. Emerging from the bathtub, Justin Theroux's buns were the hope and change that Obama promised and finally delivered.

Justin Theroux's butt was everything in that moment (and nothing at the same time).

That night, I felt truly blessed to be on the Earth. Then, last night, two more miracles occurred. God or Jesus or Mary-Kate and Ashley, I don't know who, but SOMEONE gave us the gift of a full view Uncle Jesse's buttocks. I mean, this was truly a spectacular Hanukah miracle. Uncle Jesse (or John Stamos or whoever the fuck he REALLY is) can light my menorah ANY day.

Only a couple of hours later, something even more miraculous occurred. There I was, already high on life, high on hot guys' heinies and BAM: Justin Theroux's butt is on my television screen AGAIN. I mean, really? What have we all done to deserve such a treat? And in such copious amounts?! I must have done something right in another lifetime.

The truth is, we need more cute butts in this world. In times like these, when the whole world is going to shit, all we REALLY have is cute butts. All that really inspires us to wake up in the morning are these beautiful, flawless dumpers. Sculpted, plump and perfect for our perverted viewing pleasure.


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