Monday, March 10, 2014

I'm From This Town, I Know What's Real and What's Fake

The town that Kyle Richards speaks of is this quaint little place called Beverly Hills. Uh huh, you guessed it, this is a post about this season of Real Housewives (no fakesies). I have been ignorantly neglecting my favorite ladies for all of fall and winter, so it only seems fair that I give their first world problems some face time.
So, so much has happened this year... and by so, so much I mean not a lot at all. Hence, why I have not posted a damn word.

Let's start with Kim Richards, shall we?

"Everyone loves a comeback story, especially starring me."

She's still sober.

...I think.

The thing about Kim is that you really start to question if alcohol was ever really the problem...maybe the problem is just Kim? From obsessing over her vicious, people-hating dog Kingsley, (she even sent him away to doggy-jail) to getting lame-ass matching tattoos with her daughter Kimberly, it has been an absurd time to say the least.

Her latest antics involve an altercation with Lisa Vanderpump's husband Ken, where she calls him a grumpy old man and a buttface poophead (or something along those lines). Bizarre as she is, as a viewer you really can't help but feel a sense of sympathy towards Kim. Kim nearly always looks like she is about to break out in tears (even when she is "happy"). I kind of just want to hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Kingsley is going to be okay.

And I am so not a hugger, so that says something.

"In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall."

Kim might be sober now but Brandi Glanville apparently is far from such.
For those who insist that Brandi is an alcoholic as well, you clearly are not getting it. Brandi Glanville is a shameless attention whore and anyone who thinks otherwise is embarrassing themselves (and are therefore disgusting and selfish). Brandi hardly attempts to come off as anything else. In case you have not been keeping score, so far Brandi has had serious problems with every single one of the ladies in the group (except for Yolanda Foster, but there's always next season!) Brandi seemed to have had a problem with the new housewife Joyce from the get-go. She even refused to call her by her christian name. Instead, she preferred to call her Jaqueline, siting that Joyce is a name for a fat pig. A fair point, I may add, but that is neither here no there.

Then there was that whole "black people can't swim" comment directed at Jaqueline--I mean, JOYCE. A comment that apparently angered first class dumbass Joanna Krupa (dude, Joanna, just stick with YOUR housewives and mind your own business) but... Brandi has bigger idiotic fish to fry. She basically single handedly pitted the whole cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta against her. Kenya Moore wants to beat her skinny ass to the ground.

Brandi may be a Scorpio and I am partial to that but... my bets are on Miss Kenya. I would watch that beatdown. That's just good television, plain and simple

"In my world, money doesn't talk, it swears"

The other new housewife is Carlton Gebbia. She, unlike Joyce, quickly fell into Brandi's good graces. There seems to be some kind of bi-curious type of relationship going on between these two biddies. Although, unfortunately, we all know the bi-curiosity comes from a place of deep attention whorish desires.
*sigh* Reality TV, quit playing games with my heart.

Carlton is probably one of the strangest additions to the real housewives franchise. Carlton is a both a Wicken and a nymphomaniac. The humor of Carlton's nonsensical threats of casting spells on the other women is not lost on me. The funny part is that Carlton has never even threatened that she would cast spells, all of the women just assume that she has some kind of magical powers. Joyce, Kyle and Kim are all completely convinced that whenever something goes wrong in their life it is the doings of Carton, the wicked witch of Beverly Hills. 

Carlton, if you are reading this, do not get the wrong idea. I think your powers are real and I also think you are very pretty. And nice. And smart. 

Please do not hurt me.

"You can never be too young, too thin or too honest"

Total feminist, obviously. That brings us to Miss Jaqueline. Or was it Jenny? Jamie? Julie? NO wait, Joyce!
Joyce Giraud is probably a sweet girl...

...that's about all there is to say really.

"I'm from this town, I know what's real and what's fake"
And now, Kyle Richards. Kyle apparently has been dealing with some drama lately. Rumors have been a-flyin', rumors about her marriage to Mauricio. Tabloids have been claiming that Mauricio has been spotted with a younger woman. (Mauricio, CALL me).
Distraught and hurt, Kyle complains about it every...fucking... episode. She is always bitching about the tremendous "hurt" her family has endured in the past few months and blah blah blah (yet, she never mentions MY hurt from when Mauricio never called me back after we made love in that shopping cart back in August. To this day I can't even be in a Costco parking lot without getting hot and bothered). Long story short, now there's some drama between her and Lisa Vanderpump because Brandi claims that Lisa planned on taunting Kyle with the tabloids accusing Mauricio of cheating by bringing them on vacation with them to Palm Springs. First world problems? I think yes.

"Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead"

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You saucy little minx.
Don't get me wrong, Lisa Vanderpump is probably one of the most manipulative, self-serving and snobbiest women (aside from Lea Black) to walk the earth. That being said, I think Brandi is being a total pain in the ass. All Brandi keeps saying is that she's "so fucking scared of going up against Lisa" and yet... all she keeps doing is throwing more and more shade. 

Did Lisa pack the tabloids in the suitcase? Who gives a fucking shit. What we REALLY should be talking about right now is how big Mauricio's dong is. Priorities people.

"Don't say you're my friend, act like one"

I saved my favorite housewife for last. Queen Yolanda Foster. Standing ovation starts... NOW!
God, she's just so fucking down to earth. She even wore sneakers that one time!!!!!!

All kidding aside, Yolanda does seem to be the voice of reason amongst these shit dicks. She is the most level-headed out of all of these ladies... and that fucking says something. I mean, we are talking about a woman who spends her days picking lemons off of her lemon trees in her backyard. She also has a walk-in, glass door refrigerator (seriously, google "Yolanda Foster's refrigerator." It's flawless).

If only she would let her Sports Illustrated model daughter Gigi eat some food once in a while, though. I am thinking about starting a charity called "FEED GIGI." I like to give back.

By the way, we can't seem to shake that Taylor Armstrong. Bitch just keeps showin' up. Girl byeeeee.
Miss you, Camille.

Happy television watching my fine, young biddies.


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