Wednesday, March 5, 2014

March Finally Begins, the Pope Curses, Leo Doesn't Win an Oscar (Yet Again)

...and all is right with the world. Well, except for one thing, but I will get to that. (*COUGH* MILA *COUGH*)

The longest, shortest month of the year ended a few days ago and I think I speak for everyone when I say I could NOT be more thrilled. I made it through the month (just barely) ten pounds heavier (along with 2 straight jackets and 7 long-term boyfriends later). At some points, I really did not think I would make it to March. The last two days I survived solely on nail polish fumes and google images of Uncle Jesse.
God, Uncle Jesse, just love me already.

I do not even care that March is the beginning of lent (one of the most excruciating holidays of all time). Anyways, this year I plan to give up dumb biddies and basic bitches.
Dumb biddies/ basic bitches include (but are not limited to): Taylor Swift, Anne Hathaway, the librarians who work in my town's library and Biscuit, the dog who lives up my block (such a basic bitch).

On the topic of religious things, I need to mention this gem. I was pretty much peeing myself with inappropriate joy when I heard that the pope dropped the f-bomb in a Vatican blessing. In a fit of holy passion, Pope Francis seemed to have lost himself (or found himself, depending on how you look at it). "Jesus FUCKING Christ," he screamed, "died for our FUCKING sins, you pieces of shit. Have some fucking respect for this motherfucker."
I am paraphrasing, of course.

I think this was a legitimate move if I am being completely honest. Pope Francis prides himself on being the the "pope of the people." Well, people fucking cuss. That is what the fucking "people" do. They also fuck other people (ADULTS ONLY!), they get drunk and they have impure thoughts. Anytime you wanna jump on that bandwagon, Popo F-dog, text a ho. I can hook you up with a couple of handles, some decent weed and some hot ass biddies (male, female, you name it... I got you).
That's my ho right there, that's fer damn sher.

Off the topic of popes, and onto the topic of Leonardo Dicaprio (seems like an appropriate segue). I watched as much of the Oscars that I possibly could before passing the fuck out. All of the people with the pretty fake faces, the fake hair and the fake jugs, sitting around, kissing each others asses really tires even ME out. Plus, Pharrell showing himself in that same mistake of a hat and manpris really just was the ultimate un-boner. Regardless, I woke up the next morning feeling like everything was in the right place because, yet again, for the millionth time, Leonardo Dicaprio won nothing. 
I am a person who likes consistency. I like a routine. It is always the same drill with Leo. He picks a very, very serious role. In that role he tries to be the best actor he could POSSIBLY be. He acts his fucking pants off, if you will. Then, the academy nominates him! He shows up, looking all dapper and optimistic. He stands tall, proud and so positive that this will be the year...

...and the academy crushes his hopes & dreams. Basically. they give the award to anyone BESIDES him. Even Jonah Hill, if they must.

I like that. It is something I take great comfort in. It is something I can count on. I hope it never changes.

There was only one little glitch in the past few days that stopped me from being truly, truly content. The glitch that I speak of is the recent engagement of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. I have not much to say, you can probably hear the disappointment in my voice (text). I will say this, Mila, sweetie, you may be pretty and you may be charming... but you are clearly dumb as a doorknob. Come back to us, sweet Mila. It is never too late to turn your life around.

Anyways, have a grateful month of March.


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