Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Wise Philosopher Once Said, 'I asked, I believed and I Recieved'

And by "wise philosopher" I mean Rhonda Byrne, the author of The Secret--but that's neither here nor there. The person I REALLY want to be talking about is among my favesies. It's the beautiful, the bodacious and the always classy Ms. Kim Zolciak.  
I feel as though I have been very neglectful these past few months. Here I am, writing blog post after blog post about every group of ladies BUT my favorite Atlanta biddies. The ladies I am speaking of are the Real Housewives... not to be confused with the fake ones. Although Nene Leakes has been very much present on my blog from day one, I have not even BRUSHED upon the drama of this season in Atlanta. For those of you who are living under a rock, or watch crap television like the NEWS or some shit,  you should know that this season we said "BYEEE" to Ms. Sheree Whitfield. 
I imagine she's hanging in her Chateau Sheree, designing something for her "She" by Sheree collection or something. To be honest, I don't think anyone gave a fuck.

At first, the season began looking like Kim was going to to make peace with Nene. She even showed up to Nene's event...for a few minutes. The two ladies even gabbed for a little bit...kind of. Kim spent most of this season's episodes talking about how she was depressed over having to move back into her townhouse after being evicted from her new house for not paying her rent (derp). We see her packing up all her shit and taking everything (and I mean everything)... even the flowers in the ground in her yard and moving back into the "small" little townhouse where she lived before she met her Kroyster. But a few episodes in, after a huge blow-up about Kim not wanting to go on vacation with the other ladies, she disappeared from the show. Like, gone and shit. Quite the dramatic exit. We see Kroy, her boytoy, yelling at the camera men telling them they are going to sue or whatever. 

I have very different feelings about Kim's exit than I did with Sheree's. WHAT THE FUCK KIM? Get your ass back here and stop being a dumb bitch. Kim Zolciak is far too entertaining to be leaving Atlanta housewives for good. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! Kim I am asking, begging, pleading for you to return! Come on, you asked, you believed and you recieved. Help a ho out.

To replace Kim this season, we were thrown Kenya Moore. Kenya Moore is the winner of Miss America...I mean, Miss USA...I mean, Miss America... I mean, the Nobel Peace Prize? REGARDLESS, Kenya Moore ladies and gentleman. Four words: No thank you, Bravo. One thing Kenya wants you to know is that she is FABULOUS, but not just fabulous...
I was legitimately cackling. Never have I witnessed something so absurd. Kenya Moore gave me the biggest gift that reality television can give. Nene and I seemed to be wondering the same thing:
I find Kenya to be just so fucking irritating. Nene is just as mean as Kenya, but she lacks the wit to be such a biatch. All season we see her hitting on Phaedra Parks' boo, even inquiring if Phaedra was down to share her man candy. Phaedra was not amused
...and I wasn't either. EVERYBODY KNOWS that if Phaedra is going to share Apollo it's going to be with this ho righhhhhhhhht here.
Kenya fancies herself some kind of goddess of some sort. Thinking she is hot shit for winning some award twenty years before. Rumors around the show have been circling about Kenya's relationship with Walter. Walter is her boyfriend on the show who she is constantly trying to get to propose to her We're getting married right, Walter? We're having babies right, Walter? WALTER? WALTER However, word around the water cooler is that their relationship is as fake as Kim's bewbies. Walter spoke out recently and said Kenya asked him to play her boyfriend on the show to get his "15 minutes of fame." I am not surprised, and I hardly cared. I just don't care about you Ms. Gone with the Wind Fabulous.
In more positive news, Nene has gone back to being my favorite this season. I especially enjoyed her solution to Kenya's problem of wanting to reproduce. "I can find homeboy downtown, get a turkey baster and squirt it up there." Nene and I were clearly cut from the same cloth because those are my EXACT future reproductive plans. Sounds like the most efficient way to make babies and you don't have to deal with men and their bullshit. Think about it.

I refuse to even address the numb nut that is Cynthia Bailey. Cynthia is among the dumbest real housewives (next to Joanna Krupa). She is a waste of everyone's time and my finger energy to type about her. 

So far this season has kicked some real donkey booty. I have been enjoying myself quite thoroughly. I hope all of my hoes near and far are well. Watch something fabulously trashy for me!


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