Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Five People You Meet In Hell

No this isn't a Mitch Albom sequel. This ain't no Tuesdays With Morrie shit. This is a list of the five people on my shit list. These are the five people I dislike the most. Yeah, this post is completely going against my New Year's resolution of NOT being a hater, but I fancy myself more of a "disliker" in this case. Besides, I plan on following this post with another one containing the five people I love most.

If you have a problem with this list. Let me tell you how many fucks I give...

Okay, now that we have that cleared up. I present to you (in no specific order) my five least favorite people at this given moment.


Ina Garten
A.K.A. the bitch on The Barefoot Contessa. Sidenote: pretty sure she is never barefoot. I hated this woman the moment I laid eyes on her. People give Paula Deen a lot of shit for being glutenous and just plain old disgusting but they obviously need to set their priorities straight. 5 cups of lard a day never hurt anyone. Ina Garten, on the other hand, is a very different story. What pains me the most about this broad is that the delicious food she makes contradicts her less than delicious, fake smile plastered on her face while she makes them. 
I have always been a very good judge of character, and my first impressions of Ina were proven to be correct when I heard direct EVIDENCE of her bitchiness. Apparently a young boy, made a request via the "Make A Wish" foundation (for those of you who do not know, this is a foundation for children who are dying of life-threatening illnesses that allows them to make one wish. For instance, pays for a trip to Disney World, pays for a cruise...etc) to meet Ina Garten. And what did she do? She refused. Ladies and gentlemen, in the words of Buckwild from Charm School, "If it smells like a bitch, looks like a bitch, tastes like a's probably a bitch."

Taylor Swift
Yes, you Taylor! You win fair and square!!! This next person should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have always made my opinions about Ms. Swift abundantly clear. I really, really do not like her. I will be the first to admit that I do enjoy some of her beats. I can dig "You Belong With Me" and you may even catch me shamefully listening to her new song "I Knew You Were Trouble" from time to time but this does not change my true feelings towards her. "BUT JULES!!! SHE'S SO WHOLESOME AND GREAT!!!"
Shut up, I do not want to hear the bullshit. I do not believe that any woman needs to be "wholesome" or whatever (I do not even really know what that means) but I hate the way she tries to play it up like she is this innocent little angel. Such an "excellent" role model for young girls blah blah blah. I don't buy it. I'd rather my girls grow up to be Lindsay Lohan quite frankly (at least they'd be keepin' it real yo). I don't care that Jake Gylenhaal broke up with you. If it was me, I would be happy if he let me just bone him once. Stop being greedy.

                                                                         Harry Styles
Here's another bloke that did a 180. When One Direction first came out I was quite into Harry. I was all "OMIGOD SEW KEWT" but now I can't stand the sight of him. This one is short and sweet. My aversion to Harry can be attributed to one thing and one thing only: he decided to betray my trust and date Taylor Swift. I rest my case.

Anne Hathaway
To be fair, I totally enjoyed this girl in The Princess Diaries. That movie used to be up there as one of my favorites of all time. Julie Andrews? I mean, seriously? Such a gem. But anything after that, I really just CAN NOT. I can't help but think that Anne Hathaway is some boot-leg version of Natalie Portman. Like, a really annoying, less-talented (but knows how to sing, apparently) version of Natalie. I know you think you are all that and a bag of chips, Anne, but the singing needs to stop.
I did not watch the Golden Globes and heard very little about it but I am pretty sure Anne won for best actress in Les Miserables. Hope in humanity officially lost.

                                                                       Kanye West
Hop off my dick. Kanye West is one of the most annoying people of all time. If you have not noticed a pattern among these people I so dislike, it is that they all are arrogant and egotistical. Kanye is the epitome of such. I am not impressed by anything that Kanye does. Yeah, I will listen to his music when I am bored, but that is the extent of it. He is nothing to scream about, and he is certainly not someone to care about. Not only that, this cat is angry about absofuckinglutely nothing. Stop running your mouth and just go back to turkey basting Kim Kardashian.
I'm over both of you and your fake relationship. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. Do you know how many fake relationships I have been in? All four years of high school, I fake-dated about ten college boys. They fake rocked my world.

I'm actually in a fake relationship right now, now that you ask...with Ryan Gosling.

Honorable Mentions:
Dick Cheney
My Fourth Grade teacher Mrs. Aiello
Scarlett Johanson
My oral surgeon
Carly from ICarly

Now that I have worked up a sufficient amount of bad karma, I leave all of you to go in peace. Stay tuned for my next post where I will try to reverse said bad karma and I will praise my five favorite people!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

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