Sunday, November 17, 2013

Ten Coffees a Day...

Keeps the doctor away? I feel like I can not leave my cute little canopy bed without hearing something about HEALTH CARE these days.
It just might be the biggest boner kill of all time. But be careful, your health insurance may not cover that Viagra. Last night's boner may have been the last one you will ever enjoy so I hope you made it worthwhile.

I think I am in the same boat as many other twenty-three year olds. I am not quite sure I understand what exactly is going to happen to my health insurance when I turn twenty-six. Until then, I will remain blissfully ignorant and spend as much time as possible frequenting the doctor's office. Paper cut? Callin' up the doc. Stomachache? Expect a visit or ten.
My doctor's office already has a special chair dedicated to me due to many years of what they claim to be "hypochondria." The one and only diagnosis that I will refuse to accept. As a side note: why do these numb nuts continue to not diagnose me with diabetes? They are so goddamn stubborn and selfish.

Changes in health insurance are enough to make any HEALTH AWARE (not hypochondriac, contrary to popular belief) individual absolutely bat shit crazy. Will I have to pay for this stupid Obamacare? What is Obamacare? Will I get a full time job in time? What will I have for dinner tonight? Why doesn't Ryan Gosling like me? So many questions, so little time.
I have decided that in light of us all losing our health insurance, it was my job as biddy queen to devise a set of tactics to survive what may be a health care-less, hopeless and prozac-less future.

1) Refrain from sexual activities of all kind.
Even masturbation. The risks are just far too high. Sex leads to pricey things like sexually transmitted diseases or even worse... pregnancy!!!!!! You need to be saving your pennies for the inevitable day we are all diagnosed with cancer or ALS. We do not have time for these hip little diseases like chlamydia and genital warts. Get your fucking shit together and keep it in your fucking (discounted) pants. Why no masturbation you ask? BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Refrain from doing drugs or drinking alcohol.
Yeah, drugs and alcohol are kind of awesome but you must stop using right this very instant. You can not afford to crash your car while you are high on molly (AGAIN), let alone the emergency room fees. You can not afford to get a liver transplant or the chemo therapy you will require for the lung cancer. Not to mention you will not be able to afford the lawyer fees for beating up YET ANOTHER dumb biddy who was hitting on your man meat piece. We biddies just can not afford to make these mistakes anymore.
3) Drink lots of alcohol and do lots of drugs.
On second thought, you are going to be losing your therapy sessions and happy pills. You are going to need those drugs for these trying times. There is no better friend than a bottle of wine, my good biddies. Don't you ever forget.

4) Do not eat a whole jar of pickles.
One pickle is enough sodium for a whole day. Do not eat the whole jar. Sodium is bad. Strokes are bad.

5) Do your nails often and well.
Manicures are good for the soul. Make sure you stay on the actual nail, though. A bad manicure can completely ruin your chi.

Happy doctor's visits my fellow biddies!


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