Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pretty Womyn

You got to give it to him, Bieber really knows how to travel. From being carried over the Great Wall of China by his posse (while they jerked him off and fed him shrimp cocktail) to banging multiple prostitutes in Brazil, he has really put Anthony Bourdain to shame. On the other hand, Brothels in Brazil?
Elementary Schoolers these days.

I guess it is unfair because I still have this vision of a pre-pubescent Bieber. I just think of him as this ittie bittie wittle baby. Babies do not sleep with prostitutes! It is just not a thing!!!!

Regardless, I am not hating on the Great Biebs for living the dream. His efforts will not be overlooked or underestimated in any way. And actually, one can even argue that Bieber is a philanthropist of sorts.
Think about it! Tween biddy juniors all over the country would pay JUSTIN to flick their bean for them, and here he is PAYING someone to fuck HIM. He is generous, charitable,... a good samaritan, if you will.

Okay, so enough about Bieber being the next Mother Theresa. I am thinking about the bigger picture here. Let me pose a provocative question. Is prostitution the way of the future? Is it the answer that I have been searching high and low for?
I mean, if prostitution is the new way to bang celebrities, where can I sign up? Can someone be so kind as to please direct me to the nearest brothel? For years people have been computing the formula for how to convince celebrities to sleep with them but these Brazilian ladies have outdone us all. Erase your Pi times vaginal diameter, divided by over the pants hand job equation. (Pi*vagD/OTPHJ)  It is all invalid. 
Groupies are too desperate. No one likes someone who is TOO willing to have sex with them. That's a total boner kill. I only want to bang people who SLIGHTLY want to have sex with me.

A sexual encounter with a prostitute is strictly for business and I truly believe Ryan Gosling will appreciate that. I would also like to let him know now (along with other hot male celebrities that I have pursued in the past) that I accept payments in Esse nail polish (I prefer darker colors, mainly but not limited to blue and green), gum (Big League Chew is always enjoyable) and eggless donuts. Otherwise, make the check out to Queen Biddy.

I will be standing on my street corner looking for famous Johns if you need me.


P.S. And no I did not misspell WOMYN #shoutouttomyfeminists

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