Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Return of Sluts

For the past couple of days, articles written by a certain fellow who goes by the pen name Tuthmosis have been gracing my Facebook feed. This quality gentleman writes for a blog that is called "Return of Kings." In case you do not know of it, if you read their information about their website, they describe Return Of Kings as a blog for "heterosexual, masculine men. It is meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine."
Ladies, gentlemen, Taylor Swift: prepare to be wowed by the genius that these masculine men bestow on us. For far too long we have heard the voice of the un-masculine man and the un-feminine woman. These poor men had their rights stripped of them and their voice taken. Well, now, now they are reclaiming what is rightfully theirs. 

Anyways, back to Tuthmosis (which not so cleverly was taken from the name of the third king of Egypt's 18th dynasty). The first article I read by him can be viewed if you click the link below:

Tuthmosis makes the claim that dating women with an eating disorder is the way to go. But hey do NOT get it twisted, he makes it absolutely clear what he is defining as an "acceptable" eating disorder. Although "obesity is in most cases, also an 'eating disorder,' this list doesn't apply to emotional eaters, food addicts and fatties with no self control." Okay, good, I was nervous for a second there that he was giving us ignorant advice.

The first reason why Tuthmosis advises his fellow kings to date a girl with an eating disorder is because  "Her obsession over her body will improve her overall looks."

Oh yeah, no kinks in that logic. The more work done, the better! Joan Rivers is absolutely glowing.

Reason #2: she costs less money.

Uh, binging costs a lot of money. Two gallons of ice cream a day adds up, my friend (she probably is buying the pricey kind too, especially if she is used to fine cuisine). I do not know what kind of cute, cheap eating disorders he has witnessed but he is sorely mistaken. 

Reason #3: She's fragile and vulnerable.

"The case has repeatedly and persuasively been made that an inflated ego and an unearned high self-esteem are among the most unattractive traits in a girl." He is so right. What the fuck is wrong with these girls having confidence and self-worth? Disgusting and selfish.

"An eating disorder often translates into the direct opposite: a girl who’s modest, fragile, and vulnerable. Instead of having to constantly wrestle with a difficult and obnoxious girl, you’ll be dealing with a tastefully insecure girl, who’s eager to please, and wants nothing more than your approval." Yes,  a girl who eats nothing but a raisin for two days and then binges on a bag of oreos and a gallon of oreos is perfectly, tastefully insecure. They are never irritable and annoying. They are not exhaustingly desperate for approval 24/7. Sounds like a fool proof plan, Prince Tuthmosis.

Reason #4: probably has money of her own.

In all seriousness, this is a fair assumption. Eatings disorders tend to fit under the umbrella of white girls problems. I will throw him this bone.

Reason #5: She's better in bed.

"It’s a well-known fact that crazy girls are exceptional in the sack." Ummm, if this was true, I should be practically magical at fucking. There should be pixie dust coming out of my fucking vagina. I am an actual maniac. Girls with eating disorders, he claims, have "just the right cocktail of pent-up insecurity, neuroses, and daddy issues to ensure that your whole building knows every time you’re beating it up." Aw, he's a romantic at heart.

A few days later I ran into an older article that he wrote to assist his fellow masculine men in order to spot the "sluts" in the crowd. After giving us a small, classy anecdote about allegedly fucking some girl he met on the internet, he gives us a list of warning signs.

Here are his cues. My biddy thoughts are in italics, obviously.

1. She has tattoos. Even if it is a tattoo of JChrist himself?

2. Piercings outside of the traditional earlobe placement. That's basically everyone I know. Cool.

3. Has "slut face." Uh oh, do I have it? How do I get rid of it?! Is there some kind of procedure for this shit?!??!?!?! HELP!!!!

4. Cusses a lot (especially fuck, pussy or cock). Fuck.

5. Not ticklish. Hold the fuck up. I am the most ticklish motherfucker around and even I would call myself a raging whore.

6. Broaches the topic of illegal drugs (even marijuana) without prompting. Guilty.

7. Has big tits. We were born this way, baby.

8. Shows excessive skin for weather conditions. How else are we supposed to maintain our tan?

9. Has extra body hair (arms, sideburns, girl-mustache) and/or low speaking voice. Nothing wrong with some corn-rowed arms.

10. Associates with confirmed sluts. My friends are all confirmed. They even signed contracts. They are deeply committed to sluttery.

11. Shows interest in girls, has "hooked up" with girls or claims to be "bi-sexual." I am tri-sexual, myself.

12. Is currently, or at some point, in a sorority. I think you are mistaking twats for sluts.

13. Has traveled alone, or with only girls, to fuck fest locations (e.g. Jamaica) Is Jamaica the fuck fest capital of  the world? I thought it was Maine!

14. Was a cheerleader in high school. Meh, I'm bored.

15. Went or goes to a known party college (e.g. Arizona State, USC, UC Santa Barbara). They should call them slut universities.

16. Lost her virginity on the younger side (15 and down). PHEW, I lost it on my 16th birthday. I'm in the clear!

17. Likes tequila or party drugs (e.g. Extasy/MDMA). Margaritas rock my cock.

18. Is "friends" with DJs, promoters, or other small-time pseudo celebs. When you blow them, they let you in for free. I don't see the problem.

19. Is an artist, or a wannabe "model" who has done "photo shoots."  ( . Y  .) look at my bewbs.

20. Broaches the topic of sex first. So what's your favorite sex position? I am partial to the butter churner, personally.

21. Has a bad relationship with her father and/or has divorced parents. My dad is so annoying.

22. Describes herself as a feminist or with any of its jargon ("pansexual," "demi-sexual," "cis-gendered"). What is cis-gendered? That sounds fancy.

23. Has an even, nice tan that she maintains. Tans are so goddam slutty.

24. Hair dyed a nontraditional color (e.g. blue). That is the ultimate slut move.

Tuthmosis, dear, I respect your right to speak. However, pardon my slutty language, I think you are a pussy. You are writing under a pen name so basically anyone with a vagina does not run to your house and torch it.


HAPPY slutting my good sluts.


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