Saturday, April 13, 2013

You're So Fresh 2 Death and Sick as Ca-Cancer

I fancy myself a survivor of sorts.
I have beaten various types of cancer: breast, colon, finger, brain, throat, mouth, skin, blood... prostate (yes, I defied all odds!) So maybe these people that we call "doctors" did not formerly diagnose me with said ailments but as far as I am concerned my struggles have been real. You do not even WANT to know the things I would do to get my hands on a few rounds of chemotherapy. Unspeakable, unspeakable things.
...not to mention my scares with a plethora of other life-threatening beasts. I have had brushes with ALS, MS, Meningitis, Tetanus and...the worst, the disease that forced me to re-evaluate my life, the choices I have made and ultimately changed who I am as like... a human being and shit: Rabies. Such an obstacle to overcome, but dammit, I did it. I have wiped the foam from my mouth and lived to tell the tale... tales... of my pain.

The life of an hypochondriac is a complicated one indeed. Think about it like this: just because you are a "hypochondriac" does not necessarily mean you do not have these life-threatening diseases. In fact, if you are not a proactive hypochondriac, and do not ignore these people who insist there is nothing wrong with you despite WEBMd's careful analysis of your symptoms, you will fall victim to their brainwash and NEVER get your symptoms checked out!! THEY'RE NOT LISTENING TO US!!
Listen to me carefully: you are dying, and don't you EVER let ANYONE convince you otherwise. If you have a sore throat do not assume it is a cold. You are probably dying of throat cancer. Stiff neck? You are on the verge of meningitis. Headache? You have probably fallen victim to a brain-eating amoeba (say your final good byes, give your dog one last pet and give your bottom bitch one last boning).
Then kiss your life goodbye.

Two years ago when I was in the midst of my battle with rabies, I brought my ass to the doctor. I was convinced that a red mark on my leg was a bat bite. I had spent days before searching high and low in my house for evidence of this supposed bat, but I never found the phantom creature. But still, I thought, this IS a bat bite and therefore rabies is inevitable. My physician looked at the bite, sat down and stared at me perplexed. "You didn't find a bat in your house?" "No..." "You don't remember being in contact with a bat?" "No, but I looked up on google images what a bat bite looks like and this looks about right." All I left the doctor's office with that day was a phone number...of a psychiatrist.
The clincher? My physician quit the job weeks later. Coincidence or not? I guess my possible bout with rabies forced her to give up the one hundred years she spent in medical school. I would like to believe that only I  have the power to bring someone to that breaking point. I'm a little ashamed... but mostly proud.

What's more, she definitely forced me to re-evaluate my life as a hypochondriac. I was almost ready to give up on all of the diseases that I was convinced that I had.
...but no, as a good biddy should, I stayed the course. I kept my eye on the prize. You should never give up on your dreams. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars," is what was written on my third grade classroom wall. That always stuck with me, only in this specific case though. Everything else in my life I pretty much gave up after the first try (soccer, dancing, field hockey, school).

One colonoscopy, 3 ultrasounds, 5 EKGs, 2 heart monitors, one foot exam, 10 spinal exams,  one spinal tap, 3 MRIs, 5 pap smears, 20 blood tests and 3 urine samples later I got (some of) what I was looking for.

My Diagnoses

-Flat feet
-Factor V Liden Gene Mutation
-Unidentified heart murmur
-Vitamin E Deficiency

I will never stop searching. An endless seeker of maladies, if you will.

A special shout out to my main hypochondriac biddy: Stephanie Spencer. She is a dedicated pioneer to our movement to say the least #besties.


P.S. The first step of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem

... and I NEVER will.

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