Saturday, April 20, 2013

How To Fuck Ten Guys in Ten Days

Hey, Kate Hudson, I have a new romantic comedy for you to star in. This one is sure to be a hit.
With social media being a large part of our daily lives, modern day biddies like myself have been able to make friends without even leaving our house. I twat whenever I so please, post diary entries on my facebook status (usually a Carrie Underwood quote or something dedicated to my current douchebag boyfriend) and instagram pictures of myself doing duck face at all hours of the day. Morning duckface, mid-morning duckface, lunchtime duckface, mid-afternoon duckface, dinnertime duckface, shower duckface, sexual intercourse duckface (the most passionate variety of the duckface) and LASTLY bedtime duckface.
But wait, there's more! With our duck faces in tow, social media has also made it extremely easy for us to get laid. Thanks to the new iPhone application called Tinder, genital Herpes and Chlamydia is never further than a finger tap away. Tinder is an application that finds people in your area who are down to fuck. The application presents you with an array of people near you who are using the application. Being connected to Facebook, Tinder allows you to look at the other candidates' photographs. With these photographs, the Tinder user will essentially rate the person "hot" or "not." If both candidates rate each other "hot," the two are considered a "match" and therefore must fuck. 
Star crossed fuck buddies have an unspoken agreement that penetration will occur during their rendez-vous. This makes things easier for everyone. Before we had online dating websites like OKCupid which was really a sugar-coated Tinder. OKCupid allows its users to sign up for free. The website tells them that they will find love, prince/princess charming and all that other bullshit. In reality, it is not a dating website at all. All OKCupid users want is to get it IN, they just feel the need to beat around the bush in order to do so (Come on, a FREE online dating site, get real). Tinder pretends to be nothing, it stands proud of its boldness, its fearlessness, its sluttiness. 

Logistics of your meet up can be discussed beforehand through messages. Perhaps your future Monday night lover is into a specific type of boning. Maybe they like things of the butt nature, "butt stuff," if you will. Maybe they would like to get down with a chicken costume or two.
Do not worry because the night is sure to be a romantic one. Throw in some Marvin Gaye and let the passionate love making begin. 

When a biddy meets up with a stranger and goes back to their house, they always run the risk of being turned into a lampshade or a nipple necklace... but that is the risk we take when we are craving a little hump day nookie. Unfortunately, just because his profile says he listens to Coldplay and uses the phrase "Nice guys finish last" does not necessarily mean he will not rape and kill you... just putting that out there.
Also, I learned the hard way with this one, just because they put their dick inside of you, does not necessarily mean you are getting a ring. Chivalry is dead my good hoes. The sooner we accept this, the better. 

Sidenote: I have come to realize overtime that if he decides to paper bag your ass, it is probably a bad sign. Men who prefer a smiley face on a bag to your face while banging are probably not that into you (There may be some exceptions to this this rule. For instance, it may indeed be a very sexy smiley face).

On the flip side, there is another type of beast to be aware of while using this sex machine. Ladies and gentlemen, beware of the stalker.  
If by any chance after your sexual encounter you find that they are magically everywhere that you go, you have a stalker situation on your hands. You may want to go ahead and call the cops before they go all coo-coo crazy on your ass. Ya know, like skin your body and wear it as a mask. Hate when that happens.

But all this is neither here nor there. Tinder (and other applications that have similar functions) have opened new horizons for whores all over the world. Men and women all over can let their whore flags fly in ways we never thought possible. After all, talking and getting to know people is known to be a big old waste of time and relationships that I thought were monogamous were proven to be grossly overrated. Tinder will love you the right way, Tinder will never let you down.

Please remember, safe sex is always a plus. And do not fret, the pull-out method is 100% effective, 30% of the time.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:
fuck bitches, get money.


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