Monday, December 3, 2012

You Wanna Know the Real Difference Between us?

I have class and you don't.

Did you just get a little nostalgic? Let's take a trip down memory lane. The days when Lindsay Lohan was cute and... a twin.
In all honesty, this gif actually made me a little sad. I remember the first time I watched The Parent Trap. I was at my friend's house and I remember thinking how pretty they were. Obviously, this was before Lindsay Lohan was Lindsay Lohan but I knew I liked the two Lindsay Lohans. Also, I can definitely thank this movie for fueling my desire to be a twin. As if Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did not tease me enough with their glamorous twin-hood, now I have these girls dangling it in front of me. Shit got real when I got into trouble in Elementary school for making up an imaginary sister. I convinced my teacher that I had a sister named Sarah. Oops.
Okay, sorry, let me get to the point. Lindsay Lohan. She is the topic of this entire post. I must warn you though, this is hardly going to be a Lindsay bashing session. Lindsay non-sympathizers must see themselves out immediately. I merely stand here--err sit--a disappointed parent. I should have known the moment I found out that Lindsay Lohan was not a twin that her existence would be a series of disappointments for me...over and over. I know for a fact that I am not alone on this. I was so convinced that she was TWO people and I know you were too. For the longest time I refused to accept that it was all imaginary. (I guess we still have the Olsen twins, I thought. But, like, who really gives a fuck about the Olsen twins anymore? They like to date old men and wear meat. Get outta hereeee). I thought, finally, a ginger I can love.
She was in that Disney movie called Life Size with Tyra Banks (Don't even front, you watched that shit) but besides that, all was quiet on the Lilo front for a while. Lindsay Lohan's re-introduction, so to speak, was in that movie Freaky Friday. I enjoyed that one quite a bit. It even had that numb nut Chad Michael Murray. I wanted to bang the shit out of him. And by "bang" I mean, like, hold hands because I think I was thirteen when the movie came out and I'm prude like that. Then there was Lindsay's big hit, Mean Girls. Mean Girls, in my opinion, is Lindsay Lohan's best work and definitely the best high school movie of the 2000s. (My feelings towards Mean Girls are apparent through my excessive usage of gifs from the movie... sorry I'm not sorry). Of course, one can attribute a lot of the success of the movie to Tina Fey's writing. But, at the end of the day, I enjoyed Lindsay thoroughly and I only thought to myself "Self, things can only get better from here!" How wrong I was. 
She came out with that atrocious movie, Confessions of Teenage Drama Queen and then I knew shit was going down the tubes. This was probably one of the worst movies I had seen in a long time. Yeah, there was Herbie Fully Loaded and a couple of other shitastic productions. Things were looking bleak. After she broke up with Fez from That 70's show, she began her raging ways. Gone were the days that Lindsay was fencing at summer camp, gone were the days she was camping in the woods with her fake twin sister and gone were the days she was prancing around singing "Shine bright, shine far, be a star" with Tyra Banks. These days were gone but I never forgot them. Not for a minute. But Lindsay spiraled out of control.
BAD LINDSAY. DOWN LINDSAY!!!!!! HEEL!!!!!! I don't even know if I can tell you what exactly were the series of run-ins with the law. I could not keep track. Something about multiple DUIs, stealing necklaces, assaulting people, bla bla bla, the usual? I remember she even lost a bunch of weight from what I am assuming was cocaine usage. She even took some bizarre pictures of her posing with some knives. (Not gonna lie, she looked really hot and my sister and I could not help but recreate those gems in our spare time). Come to think of it, I need to find those bad boys.

ANYWAYS, here we are. Present day. I was quite anxiously awaiting Lindsay's so-called comeback with her Lifetime movie Liz and Dick. To be honest, I would possibly be the most lenient viewer of such a movie because I know next to nothing about Elizabeth Taylor. I was never really a "fan," so to speak. All I know is that she was bangin' and she was married quite a few times. So, I did not have any preconceptions of what the movie should be. The moment the movie began, however, I knew that it was a disaster. Lindsay's acting was absolutely ridiculous.
Watching Lindsay was disappointing and saddening for a lot of reasons. Watching her on screen made me think about whether or not she was actually ever an actress. For so long, Lindsay had been resting on what she "had been." But seeing this performance made me question whether or not she ever was anything. Perhaps just a "star" and a socialite. When you boil down her career it really only rests on two or three movies... one of which was made when she was eleven. What was clear was that this is most likely Lindsay's end. 

What sucks for Lindsay is that the horrible nature of the entire movie can not be completely blamed on her. The writing was horrible and so was the directing. Ten minutes into the movie I was bored as shit.  
There is no reason why one should be bored during a Lifetime movie. Anyone who has ever watched one knows that they suck you in and do not let you go. This one, however, was anything but interesting. The only thing that entertained me throughout the film was how fake the Spanish Steps looked in the background of one scene (along with all of the other backgrounds). It's like they didn't even try to make this movie seem believable because they knew if it failed, we would all just blame it on Lindsay. Which is exactly what happened. Lindsay Lohan has been completely trashed by every single person who has watched the film. I have seen next to no criticism about anything else the movie offered--or didn't offer, rather. This is a shame for her. What was to be a comeback, is just another reason to trash Lilo. No wonder she's assaulting random waitresses in night clubs. Bitch is losing it.
There isn't much else to say other than that I am sad for her. Yeah, I'm a softy. Sue me. I have been a Lindsay Lohan fan since I was in Elementary School and I just want to see good things for her *whimpers*. However, I fear that that will not happen anytime soon. Until then, I have my Parent Trap  DVD on repeat to remind of happier and simpler times. I sound like a total whiner and I'm sorry.

Wow, I feel like I have broken my rule of this being an emo-free zone. I am now ashamed of myself. I promise this will never happen again. Bear with me people. Sometimes life is not all rainbows and sunshines though!!!!!!!! BITCH GOTTA GRIEVE!!!!!

I love most of you.



  1. So you know I never cared for Lindsey,I think every movie just revolves around that whiny voice she does and it aint cute anymore. And you know I love Elizabeth Taylor and all her crazy person glory. She may have been a hot mess but the woman could act. I did not watch the lifetime movie but I am tempted after reading this. Is it really that bad? Because that is whats tempting me haha. Love the GIFS you used, and wtf is that GIF from where Lindsey is talking about fucking boyfriends?

  2. Ma bottom bitch,
    It is definitely one of the worst movies I've ever seen (and I've seen Spy Kids 3D... and The Vow lol). Elizabeth Taylor is probably spinning her grave. Lindsay really blew it this time. Please do watch it and we shall discuss ma fine feathered hobag! And thank you :) That GIF is from the movie Georgia Rule :\. I don't think anyone even saw that movie. Poor ho.

    XOXOXO love ya <3