Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Don't Let the Door Hit You In the Vagina On Your Way Out

What kind of person would I be if I did not write a post on the pending final episode of the Jersey Shore? Answer: Not a very good one.

I'ma keep dis short n sweet... just like me (except not at all).

You can say a lot of shit about the Jersey Shore cast but you must admit that this marks the ending of an era. Maybe it was not the most intellectually productive (and some say it was an indication of some kind of cultural destruction or some shit) but it was an era nonetheless. One thing you should learn about me, if you have not already, is that I am just so gosh dung bad at goodbyes.
I fear change and I would prefer that the show would continue, even if I have no desire to watch it. Truth be told, I have not watched Jersey Shore for two seasons. I stopped watching for a couple of reasons. First of all, the Sammi/Ronny drama was like beating a dead horse, burying it, unburying it, beating it again, burying it, unburying it, beating it yet again, burying get the idea. It just got to the point that even I, a lover of all things stupid, could not take it anymore. I settled on other shows to fill my Thursday night (Big Bang Theory, Real Housewives of Miami... Chopped...hell, I even settled on Antiques Road Show a couple of times). The second reason I stopped watching was I sensed the inauthenticity in all of the characters by the third season. In other words, Snooki was trying too hard to be Snooki. They turned into characters, rather than just being the authentic numb nuts that they portrayed so effortlessly the first season. Now, it's just a big ol' mess.
Now they kind of just sit in the house repeating lines that were funny the first million times they said it. Ugh. 

I would like to review the most disgusting/disturbing Jersey Shore moments of all time. #1: Basically anytime The Situation has a sexual encounter of some sort.
I am actually quite surprised that Mike still has his penis attached to his body. This is quite a feat. I would think that at this point his man parts would be gangrenous, shriveled up and lying on the dance floor or bathroom of Karma somewhere. Situation defies all odds. Bravo, Sir Situation. I tip my hat to your successful promiscuity. Does anyone recall the night when they had two different girls at their house? One was in one room and one in the other. Correct me if I am wrong but did he not bang them both? Call me old fashioned but isn't one girl a night enough? Or at least one every, let's say, 5 hours? I'm throwing you a bone there, Sitch. Take it.

The next scene that comes to mind is the one where we go on a little doctor's visit with our good friend Ronnie. 
MTV seriously did not spare us any of it. They even take us into the office where the proctologist examines the "situation," if you will. Then Ron makes a joke to the camera saying "hey you can at least buy me dinner first." Aw, that's cute Ron, did someone feed you that joke? We all know you and your girlfriend are the least funny in the house. Nice try though! 

I mean, I am not doctor, but I still have yet to figure out how Ron had managed to fuck up his asshole just by a night of drinking? I find this very curious. No, I am not making accusations but...let's just think about this.....
Yeah, I have thought about it and I am a little skeptical that Ronnie managed to fuck up his butt hole from drinking. Draw the conclusions that you would like. I've got nothing.

Now this next one is a huge throwback to the first season. I don't know if anyone even remembers the time when JWoww and Pauly D. hooked up. Well, I DO! Don't get me wrong, Pauly D. and JWoww are my two favorite cast members, but this hook up was really gross-looking. JWoww was wearing a classy little number...something akin to a loin cloth and some pasties. She was sprawled out over Pauly D, sucking face like there's no tomorrow and what do we find out? Pauly D has a St Albert piercings. 
Now, ladies & gentleman of the jury: those who are fans of said piercing, I mean no offense. It's just... the thought of Pauly D having one KIND OF makes me want to barf. In fact, any of these people having this gives me the heebie-jeebies. They're just... so vile.
For the last and, in my humble opinion, the most disgusting Jersey Shore moment of all time, I would like to discuss the Angelina-pad incident. And by "like" to discuss it I mean, I must discuss it. This atrocity occurred season two when the cast was in Miami. This just might be the most disgusting thing that has ever aired on television. Basically the story is: Everyone hates Angelina because she is dirty. The Situation was mad because he had to clean up after Angelina. Angelina leaves a dirty pad on the floor. The Situation picks up the dirty pad and gingerly places it under Angelina's pillow. (I don't think the tooth fairy will be pleased about THIS). Let's excuse ourselves for a minute...
Hold on...
Okay. I feel a little bit better but the image of Angelina's dirty pad under her pillow will continue to haunt me until my dying day. I can't, I just can't.

I said I wasn't very good with goodbyes and I am not. But I will tell you, after reviewing these disturbing moments (and actually gagging myself from these gifs that I have decided to post) I think I am quite alright with this one. 



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