Wednesday, November 21, 2012

We Love Our Bread, We Love Our Butter, But most of all, We Love Each Other

Yes, I am quoting Madeline for those ignorant folk who have not read one of my favorite children's books of all time. Madeline was but one of the movies/books that gave me an illogical desire to be an orphan. As a child, I wanted nothing more in the world than to not have parents. Having parents was always a burden that I had to bear.
I'm just yanking your dicks. In fact, I am quite thankful for my parents. Which brings me to the topic of this post: Thanksgiving!
Yeahhhh mothafuckasss, break it down. Das WASSUH. This is a time to be thankful, this is a time to be loving... this is a time to be glutinous as fuck.
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Thanksgiving food isn't even close to my favorite foods. However, I think we can all agree that things are just more enticing in large quantities. ("The Costco Effect" for instance?) We could be eating pounds and pounds of shit, I'd still be just as giddy.
I can think of absofuckinglutely nothing better than stuffing your face until you are just a paralyzed, beached whale on the couch. You know, when you find yourself feeling both satisfied and ashamed. 
...but mostly satisfied. My car ride home is even more fun:
That being said, I want to go over some things I am thankful for this year. The first thing, and above all, I am (and everyone else should be) thankful for myself.
I don't know what I'd really do without... myself and more importantly, I don't really know what you would do without me. I fancy myself as something akin to God's gift to the world.
As if physique and looks were not enough, I've even got the brains to match (hence the URL of this website).
Some may think I sound cocky...but sorry I'm not sorry. The second thing that I am thankful for is hot people. 
Hot people are what make the world go round! Forget what you heard about intelligence or kindness, it's all about the bangin' bod and that perdy face.
Would it kill us all to be a little more like Queen Beyonce?
I have always had a massive respect for hot people and will continue until my dying day to offer them the love and attention they so desperately do not deserve. Come to think of it, I'd actually like to make a special shout out to Alexander Skarsgard.
For him, I expect us all to show tremendous gratitude. I am just so damn thankful. 
He educates the less fortunate looking people around the world about what it means to be beautiful. He has taught me time and time again that I am not worthy and I am forever indebted to him for this lesson. The third thing that I am thankful for is my phone.
As someone who is not a big fan of people in general, my phone allows me to maintain shallow communication and relationships with people that I never want to see or hear from. This way I can throw an "LOL" or a "yeah I hear ya, girl" in there every now and then instead of actually sitting around and listening to their "jokes" or "problems" and pretending I care.
Can you get over these people? Troubling me with their issues? Boring me with their gabbing? Don't they know who I am???
My phone allows me to remain anti-social and self-absorbed. JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!!!!!!
The last thing I am thankful for are ALL of the Real Housewives. 
Yes, even you Taylor Armstrong. I don't want you to feel left out or anything. These women MAKE my Sunday and Monday evenings. This week's episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta & Beverly hills were impeccable.
I have been thinking about it and have decided that these ladies are practically my sisters... my bosom buddies, if you will. They teach me what it is to be a "real" housewife. I must be unemployed, hire three nannies to watch one child, throw birthday parties for my three year old kid and not invite them to it, have at least three housekeepers, and fight with the other "real" housewives all day long. Thank you ladies. Your wisdom is priceless. 
Okay everyone, enjoy your Thanksgiving thoroughly! I hope you all dig deep just as I did to think about the things we should be truly thankful for. Check in for another post soon.
Make good choices!!!


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