Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Great Bieber Marks the Beginning of the Inevitable 2012 Apocalypse

No, your eyes do not deceive you. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber broke up. It's just like Britney and Justin all over again! What a roller-coaster ride of emotions.
I seriously thought these two were meant for each other. Nothing says love in Hollywood like buying a house together that you will never live in at 17. If you're a bird than I'm a bird, Biebs.
"If I was yo boyfriend, I'd neva let ya go. I can take ya places where you ain't neva been befo." Lies, Biebs. Straight up lies. But whatever, I mean, if I am being honest, as of late I have been more of Demi fan anyways but that is neither here nor there. What I am really trying to say is that things are looking prettttttttty bleak and I am here to alert everyone WITH CAPITAL LETTERS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!
First, Hurricane Sandy, then the nor'easter and finally... the fall of the Great Bieber. This is a perfectly acceptable time to panic. I was without power for eight whole days. That means no lights, no running water, no heat and *gasp* no interwebs. However, I was one of the lucky ones. Some lost their homes, their lives and/or their loved ones. BUT before the rest of us die, let's celebrate a little bit. We'll have a little fiesta, if you will.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, have you heard the new One Direction Album???? It's called "Take Me Home." I am not just saying this...but it's really good.
Bravo... BRAVA my little hobags. I absolutely adore these five numb nuts. Obamz even digs their shiz. I even considered writing a whole blog post on why I adore Niall Horan (I decided not to on account that it would be really pathetic). Nothing better than good looking boys without any brains.
Alright, calm down Ryan! There's enough Jules to go around for everyone!  Yeah and stop texting me, it's creepy bro. For your vaginal and/or penile (?) pleasure:
My favorite themes of One Direction videos are 1) They are always driving some vehicle or riding in one. 2) They are always jumping up and down because they do not know how to dance (would it hurt them to throw a "sprinkler" or a "raise the roof" in there??) 3) They dress like assholes. 4) Harry Styles thinks he's George Fucking Clooney. You're okay, Harry, but you need to calm your nipples.
On to the next order of business! Ke$ha haters, this is your cue to leave this page. I know people got mad beef with this ho.
The second thing I believe we should celebrate is Ke$ha's return! Yeah, she's trashy. Yeah, her music is stupid. Bla bla bla. I don't care, shut up. Her music is catchy as fuck and her new video is absolutely ridiculously stupid...and I love every bit of it.
There are a million and one things going on in this video. The most curious is Ke$ha casually lying in some animal furs. Happens to the best of us, I suppose?
Bitch stole mah look. I will let this one go but, girl, you better watch your back.
Anyways, I believe this trash music should be embraced, NAY, WORSHIPPED. I'm getting ahead of myself but I think you get the idea. I think the final thing we should celebrate is Big Bird. PHEW, that was a close one!
Not gonna lie, we dodged a few bullets there. Luckily, Sesame Street armed Big Bird with a bullet proof vest to survive the wrath of Romneypoo.

That is it for now my little lovelies. Until next time!

Stay sexy,

XOXO Jules

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