Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Too Legit to Not Quit

I was going to avoid writing yet another post on Sir Justin Bieber but I truly believe in teachable moments. Therefore, it would be a shame to not point out the beauty of his recent "retirement." I promise that this will be the final time that I will mention the Biebster for as long as this biddy blog shall live.

I think we all have something to learn from Bieber's plan to retire from the music business. There are numb nuts who stick around for a littttttttttle too long. I mean, just think about it, the man accomplished all of the important things in life, there was no need to keep this nonsense going any longer.
For starters, he banged Selena Gomez. They loved each other like a love song for years. Their love came naturally, it came naturally. This is a task that even I, biddy queen, will never complete. This is an accomplishment to be admired, to be honored and... to be kind of perplexed by. I mean, really Selena? Justin Bieber? Have you no self-esteem? Have you no mirror? Perhaps you should re-listen to your own single "Who Says." Inspiring words from such an hypocritical young biddy.
The second "most important" thing the Great Bieber accomplished was not just walking over The Great Wall of China like all of the other plebeians of the world, but he was CARRIED over instead (like a G). I wrote an entire post about this great accomplishment a few months back. God gave The Great Bieber legs so he can NOT use them as far as I am concerned.

The third "most important" thing that Justin accomplished was winning a bunch of pointless awards that in no way, shape or form reflect his "artistic" or "musical" "abilities."
But truth be told, none of these stupid award shows reflect any sort of substance or ability anyways. I mean, not to harp on this like basically every other person in the blogosphere but... Katy Perry being nominated for a Grammy? Macklemore winning MULTIPLE Grammies? Jonah Hill being nominated for, yet again, another Oscar? Maybe all of you award show snobs should take a closer look at what you consider an "honor" these days. They are basically handing these little trinkets out for free these days. Come to think of it, I am hoping that one day I can get my hands on one of thosee suckers. There's a spot on my dresser with its name on it, right next to my town swim team participation trophies.
The only thing I fear is that the Grammy will cheapen the whole look. I mean, I worked many a 50 yard butterfly to get those fuckers. Each of those flip turns took a little bit out of me, each dive off of the block took a little bit of my soul.

The fourth "most important" Bieber accomplishment was banging a prostitute. Forget everything you heard in health class. I like to live my life by the Pokemon philosophy: "Gotta catch em all" and contracting STDs is no exception. The more, the merrier. 

So, think about it...

Bieber is quitting before his pill problem comes to light and his dick rots off. That is the very definition of quitting while you are ahead. Not so silly when you put it that way, huh?

I hope this message reaches certain "important" people. Watching the State of the Union last week made me think that perhaps, President Obama and all of the other presidents that came before him (and will come after him) should have taken a note from the old Biebsters ways. Madonna, you should ponder these words as well. Also, Taylor Swift, I am looking at you too (per usual).

And to those who have made the puzzling decision to "un-retire" after making grand announcements of retiring, you are absurd and selfish. Amanda Bynes and Jay-Z,  un-retirement is a big, big no-no. Please re-retire as soon as you get this message.

As for you, my good biddies, there is an important message you must take away from all of this. Know when you have overstayed your welcome, know when it is time to get the fuck out and know when it is time for you to shut the fuck up.

On that note...


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