Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I Could Stay Awake Just to Hear Ya Breathin'

Everyone knows that Aerosmith song where Steven Tyler is staring at his significant other sleeping ("I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"). In reality, the chick is probably just some random ass biddy he found lying around somewhere with her legs open. However, he acts like it is so much more than that. He sings candidly, poetically and rape-ly about how he enjoys hearing her breathe and watching her sleep.
Somehow this rapey act is seen as "cute" and "romantic." Last time I tried this move, I wound up with a black eye and a restraining order.
I think the overwhelming consensus was that what I did was considered "inappropriate" and "socially ill."This gesture apparently is only acceptable when Steven Tyler does it. I find this rather perplexing because Steven Tyler could easily pass as the wicked witch of the west.
You are telling me that if you did not wake up to THAT staring at you, you would not shit your footy pajamas? Puh-freakin-lease.
Not to mention the face that Steven Tyler looks like walking gonorrhea. Why all these women want to sleep with walking gonorrhea is beyond me. To add insult to injury, people play this song at their WEDDING. Their fucking wedding. Fuck that, I am either going with "The Thong Song" by Sisquo or "Every Girl" by Lil Wayne. These two gentlemen know how to treat a lady. Two old souls just looking for that special someone
#feminism. Lil Wayne keeps pussy runnin' like a faucet.

The reason why I bring up this creepy song is because Valentine's Day is right around the corner and I will bet you any amount of conversation hearts that loser dudes near and far will be pairing that song with a bed full of rose petals in order to convince a girl to allow them to either:

A) skull fuck them
B) have a threesome
C) do butt stuff
D) play a round of bananagrams with them

The last one seems pretty unlikely but I figured I would add it in for the sake of hopeful thinking. No one plays that wonderful game anymore.

There are two main Facebook burdens that all sane biddies must bear on Valentine's day. The first burden of the Facebook community are the biddies who have boyfriends.  This day, for them, is solely dedicated to making Facebook posts about about how much they LOVEEEEEE their significant other. If it is not written on Facebook, the love might as well not exist.
If you're a bird, then I'm a bird, baby.

Anyone who is in any kind of relationship makes it their number one duty to let everyone know they are getting it in. They post nauseating couple picture after nauseating couple picture, to make sure each and every last friend has slit at least one wrist before they are done with your profile.
The second burden and, actually, the worse of the two burdens are the biddies who do not have boyfriends. Ugh, the ones who insist on writing "SINGLE AWARENESS DAY!!!!!!!" Were they not aware that they were single before February 14th? I mean, if this is the case, I can totally identify with this confusion. Some days I forget that my imaginary boyfriend that buys me flowers (and even proposed to me last week! Thanks for all of your well wishes!) is not actually real. That was all me buying flowers, chocolates and, yes, even the engagement ring (I am very progressive!) Just, ya know, pretending to be loved. Don't mind me.
It should be mentioned that Valentine's Day motivates overeating for those of us who need to be staying fit to lure a man in. The only people who get to enjoy this chocolate deliciousness are those who already have their biddy on the lock-down. Hey, they aren't love handles if no one loves ya. You remember that!

So that is all I am going to say on the subject of Valentine's Day (and trust me, I have already said enough). I would like all of you to think twice about what you post on Facebook or what you say on this day because in reality Valentine's Day is just February 14th. It is just another day in your miserable, mundane life-- no more, no less.

Do not make a spectacle of yourself.


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