Monday, February 17, 2014

The February Blues

Am I the only person on this Earth who absolutely hates the month of February? It seems that every year during this fateful month I get blown a new asshole--sometimes multiple new assholes. By the time the month is over, my body is basically covered with pustules, oozing with poop. Okay, maybe I took that joke a little too far but you get the idea.
But seriously! In what should be a month full of beauty and delight always turns into a month of doom and destruction. You would think that the shortest month of the year would have less of a chance of fucking it up... but let me tell you, these are 28 days of doom. And if it is a leap year, you better fucking forget it. Sleep that one out like the fuckin' groundhogs. They know what's up.

For starters, your significant other always, always, always fucks up your shit during this month. You get cheated on, you get dumped or you find out they want their annual sex change.
What can ya do? Shit happens.

Regardless, they are fucking you over in some way, shape or form. Plus, after you are kicked to the curb, it is a lot harder to rebound because it is the fucking DEAD of winter and therefore you have little motivation to even put on pants during the weekend--let alone get your ass to da club. So basically, it is just you, your thoughts and your shower nozzle. Oh and your tears too because you are probably heartbroken or some crap.

So that brings me to my next point. The fucking weather. What is this nonsense? I did not sign up for this. I get it, I live in the Northeast, there will be some snow from time to time but two snow storms a week? I left Ithaca, New York to escape from the darkness. I supposed the darkness followed me...

Okay, back to me and MY problems. Last snowstorm, I spent nearly 4 hours shoveling my driveway and let me tell you something very important, something very disturbing that I have learned... shoveling is never cute. You usually have snot coming out of your nose by the time you are ten minutes in and by the time you are finished it is frozen to your face. Oh, and those cute, pink, fluffy ear muffs that you put on beforehand? Yeah those things are long-gone because you realize how fucking annoying they actually are and project the exact opposite of what you are feeling, which is death.
So you rip them off in disgust, throw yourself in the snow and cry for a half and hour or so. Standard shoveling tantrums, if you will.

So yeah, when you are done shoveling, you get to flop yourself down on your couch like a beached whale and dream of a beautiful place where there are rainbows and sunshine and sexy leprechauns---oh wait, nope, you DON'T, because guess what? Your ass needs to go to work now.

It is such a shame because I feel like every February I can never enjoy Black History Month to the fullest extent. I am always worrying and fretting over shit that is irritating and disgusting in nature. Black History Month should be officially changed to the month of September. September is an excellent month full of hope, promise and foliage. Nothing is more beautiful than foliage, nothing.

For those of you who are struggling during this dark month, you must know that you are not alone. Every morning I wake up wishing for something better, something more March-like. Until then, we must make the most of it.

For one thing, pretty yourself up.
You aren't gonna get anyone with that attitude... or without brushing your teeth.

Secondly, pay for a fucking snow plow. No human should be subjected to shoveling a driveway. I would not wish that on my worst enemies (okay, maybe on SOME of my worst enemies...Okay, actually I would wish it on all of them).

Hang in there. At least we still have each other...LOLOL!!


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