Thursday, January 23, 2014

Textiety: A Not So Silent Killer

Hear that clicking sound? That is the sound of the purest form of vulnerability, the musical stylings of pre-rejection and the reason why I, and most likely every other millennial, has high blood pressure. That, my good biddies, is the sound of text-messaging. Or, as the kids these days like to call it: "texting."
Yeah, I bet you are all down with the lingo. All kidding aside, texting has become part of my daily life and has claimed a large part of my sanity.

A whole texting culture was created within the past ten years. This conception has happened right before my very eyes. It was kind of similar to the conception that I witnessed in my friend's basement Sophomore year of college. The one where I saw a friend of a friend LITERALLY get impregnated in front of me. That was the first time I saw, in the flesh (and not in the pornos), how babies were made. Staring into the darkness I saw two naked figures doggy styling it. With "Shots" playing in the background, the couple made sweet, passionate love and I for the fucking life of me could not look away.
Texting and texting culture has doggy styled its way into our lives, if you will. And I can tell you this now, it is not doggy styling its way out anytime soon. We have created one raging cunt of a monster that just will not quit.

Texting is now being used by evil biddies everywhere as a method of punishment and degradation. For starters, iPhone created the "read message" feature to bust MY personal imaginary balls. People who use this feature want innocent biddies like me and you to know that it is not that they did not read your text message, it is that they do not give two shits about answering it. They want you to KNOW that you are too insignificant to respond to and they want you to FEEL your insignificance to the fullest extent.
They do not even have the decency to pretend that they are doing more "important" things other than answering your paramount (to put it delicately...) text message about what your boyfriend's sister's friend posted on Facebook three hours ago about their dinner last night. We know that they read your text message. We can not even fool ourselves for a minute into thinking that these people give a shit about us and our deep-seeded problems.

Ultimately, however, the "read messages" feature does not really matter because even if the person's "read messages" are off, I think we all know that everybody checks their phone every one to five seconds. What could be keeping these people from responding to us? Hm? Which "pressing" matters are more "pressing" than our text messages? What are these so-called "important" activities all of these people are doing instead of responding to ME? Oh yeah, allegedly you are "working," "sleeping" or getting a "colonoscopy." These are the usual excuses for a lying sack of shit.
Spare me the lame lies. You ignored my text message, and you are not even biddy enough to admit that you did. The only legitimate excuse for not responding to me is if you are lying dead in a ditch somewhere... and even then it is debatable depending on how important MY problem was.

I wish I did not care about matters of the iPhone. I wish I was not a slave to technology. I wish I could break out of this prison of emojis and LOLs. I wish that one day I can be a person again who picks up the phone to talk to a person, or better yet, actually sits *gasp* FACE TO FACE WITH THEM.

The invention of texting and social media can also be blamed for the creation of a whole new type of bullying that young children have adopted. Children can hide behind their phones like pussies, calling each other whatever the fuck they want and not have to be faced with the other person's reaction on the other end of the phone. These little fucking shits are being deprived of learning basic fucking human traits like fucking empathy and compassion.

Now, I am a self-aware biddy and I, myself am guilty of some of this. I am willing to admit that I use social media and the internet to talk madddddddddd shit. Let's face it, some of the shit I say on here, I would never say in person. In fact, one may even call me a sweetheart!
Some of my most badass fights have happened over texting. Er, actually, correction... ALL of my badass fights have happened over texting. It is just so easy to call bitches out on their twattery if I have, like, ten miles between us and I am locked safely in my house, in my room,... under my strawberry shortcake down comforter...

Text fighting is bad, but text ignoring is straight up evil. I will never take part in any of that. It is just plain heartless. There is not a worse feeling in the world than waiting for someone to answer your well-thought out, well-punctuated, well-emojii'd text message. There you were, putting your heart and soul on the line only to have it trampled on, blended up, eaten, shat out and probably eaten again by some dumbass, scum-bag biddy.
Bad things happen to good biddies everyday.

So next time you get a text-message, take it fucking seriously. A biddies' feelings are on the line here. Read the fucking text and fucking respond you pieces of shit.


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