New Year's Resolutions are cute, I guess.
I am guilty of making this specific ambitious resolution myself. In reality, the only time I have ever set foot in a gym was in college. However, once I got in there, I beelined straight to a table full of free pizza. (WHY THE FUCK DO THEY GIVE OUT PIZZA IN A FUCKING GYM?!) Hey but do not judge me, I polished off my second piece while walking it off on the treadmill. Multitasking, I do it.
I remember my senior year of high school, I made a New Year's resolution to stop talking shit about people. Five minutes into the New Year I already was saying how fucking annoying all of my friends were. The best laid plans of mice and biddies...
There are few things worth striving for in the New Year but with some careful thought and consideration I came up with a few goals that I see both fit and logical. Goals and resolutions that we should all strive for as biddies of the world. Step into my office, my loyal biddy subjects.
For too long I have accepted my fate as a basic biddy. In this ripe, new year I will strive to offend less people with my below average looks. Proactiv, facials, nose jobs and even brown paper bags are some options to choose from as the 2014 year begins! I mean, I am 23, which basically means I am somewhat over the hill. Next stop is the nursing home, so I better improve this situation sooner rather than later.
I am way too smart for my own good. I would rather not know about shit. I would have less to worry about. Think about it! Basic bitches are always so fucking happy. Don't they get it? People are starving in Africa, dogs are being abused in Tennessee and rich kids in Connecticut did not get the Gucci sunglasses they wanted for Christmas! I want to think about these tragedies less. Ignorance is bliss, if you will.
3) I resolve to stop watching trash television.
Okay, this one is a complete joke. I just started watching Shah's of Sunset and I am not gonna stop anytime soon.
It is fucking stupid. And I am absofuckinglutely perfect the way I am.