Friday, January 3, 2014

New Year, New Jules

New Year's Resolutions are cute, I guess.
Every year, as the end of December approaches, we come up with some really deep, insightful goals for the promising new year. The most important thing about New Year's resolutions is that we MUST share them with everybody and anybody we know. What is the point of a deep, thought-provoking New Year's resolution other than flaunting it to the entire world? We want everyone to be under the delusion that we are growing, changing and self-improving human beings! The grander the lie, the better the resolution.
Many promise others that they will stop being a fat ass. Gym memberships skyrocket during the month of January as people pretend that they are going to get off their lazy, bacon-double-cheeseburger-eating asses and venture onto the elliptical. This will last for, at most, a month, and for the people who are truly dedicated to bullshitting their peers, maybe until Valentine's Day.

I am guilty of making this specific ambitious resolution myself. In reality, the only time I have ever set foot in a gym was in college. However, once I got in there, I beelined straight to a table full of free pizza. (WHY THE FUCK DO THEY GIVE OUT PIZZA IN A FUCKING GYM?!) Hey but do not judge me, I polished off my second piece while walking it off on the treadmill. Multitasking, I do it.
Another common lie that we tell ourselves and others at the beginning of the new year is that we are going to "nicer people." Wah, wah, wah. Embrace your badness because you sure as hell are not going to change your ways because the year has changed. You are not gonna stop lying, cheating or fucking your best friend's ex on the sly. These are simple facts of life.

I remember my senior year of high school, I made a New Year's resolution to stop talking shit about people. Five minutes into the New Year I already was saying how fucking annoying all of my friends were. The best laid plans of mice and biddies...

There are few things worth striving for in the New Year but with some careful thought and consideration I came up with a few goals that I see both fit and logical. Goals and resolutions that we should all strive for as biddies of the world. Step into my office, my loyal biddy subjects.
1) I resolve to be hotter.
For too long I have accepted my fate as a basic biddy. In this ripe, new year I will strive to offend less people with my below average looks. Proactiv, facials, nose jobs and even brown paper bags are some options to choose from as the 2014 year begins! I mean, I am 23, which basically means I am somewhat over the hill. Next stop is the nursing home, so I better improve this situation sooner rather than later.
2) I resolve to be dumber.
I am way too smart for my own good. I would rather not know about shit. I would have less to worry about. Think about it! Basic bitches are always so fucking happy. Don't they get it? People are starving in Africa, dogs are being abused in Tennessee and rich kids in Connecticut did not get the Gucci sunglasses they wanted for Christmas! I want to think about these tragedies less. Ignorance is bliss, if you will.

3) I resolve to stop watching trash television.
Okay, this one is a complete joke. I just started watching Shah's of Sunset and I am not gonna stop anytime soon.
4) I resolve to make no real resolutions.
It is fucking stupid. And I am absofuckinglutely perfect the way I am.


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