Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I Want the News, Not the Weather

Can we go back to our self-promoting, self-serving ways, Facebook friends of the world? I have grown so accostummed to people insisting on themselves that one may even say I am a little dependent on it. I need people to continue talking about how great their lives are. I need all of my fellow nepotism-forgetting Westchester friends to brag about their imaginary "self-made" successes.
Lately, I have been getting none of that. All these ignorant hoes have been talking about on Facebook is the goddamn weather.
Have people completely lost their fucking minds? When has the weather ever been an interesting topic to talk about? Is it not the first rule of dating that if the person you are with is completely bored and out of interesting things to talk about that they refer back to the temperature? Pretty sure it is the universal sign of boredom. So, I ask you, when did this fact go out the window? And more importantly, when did so many dumb biddies become meteorologists?
Questions, I pose them.

Quite frankly, my dears, I only need to be told that it is currently snowing outside once, not over and over by the same people. As a matter of fact, I do not need to be told at all. My house came fully equipped with these cute little things they call windows. At any given moment, on any given day, I have free range to look out these nifty little tools and see for myself what the weather is like outside.
There is no reason why girls who take duck face car selfies or boys who bring backpacks filled with Natty Ices to da club should be using "polar vortex" in a sentence, let alone in a Facebook status. Stick to what you know. I will rough it and look at my Weather dashboard, poop breath. Or maybe I can just FEEL that it is cold on my way into work that morning.

The only thing worse than the biddy meteorologists, are the fear mongering meteorologists. I will have you know that not every snowstorm is an apocalypse, not every drop of rain is a monsoon and we are actually very rarely in any kind of REAL danger when it comes to weather. I feel so numb to the fear that I do not even get scared anymore.
...okay, maybe you guys scare me a little. So, please, do me a solid and shut the fuck up?

There are better things to talk about on Facebook than the weather. Need some ideas? I have a few.

1) What you ate for breakfast.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I welcome conversation about bagels and orange juice any time. Perhaps we can compare and contrast our cereal choices of the day. Maybe you prefer Honey Bunches of Oats but I am really down for some Kix action. This can be a safe, productive meeting of the cereal minds.
Do not get it twisted though. Things can get a little heated. They DO say the three things you should not talk about at parties are: politics, religion and cereal. Frosted Flake enthusiasts, please see yourself out.

2) Who you are sleeping with.
Not going to lie, I am always interested. I find it fascinating who people decide to have sex with, how they have sex, where they have sex and WHY they have sex. Spare me no details about your sexual endeavors. Think of Facebook as your own personal diary for me to make fun and talk shit about with everyone I know.

Coming out of the closet? I find there to be no better forum for such an occasion. Facebook is an intimate space for you to share your life with people who you probably have not spoken to since high school.

3. Which drugs you are taking.
Drugs are totally chill. Which ones are you taking? I wanna know where you got them, where you are doing them and who your current employer is. If possible, I would also like pictorial evidence of you taking part in the drug festivities. After all, I will only believe it in your badassery if I can see it with my own two eyes!!!
4. How cute your dog is.
How cute is he or she? Scale it from 1-10. Then talk about the dog non-stop, posting pictures of them in various costumes and in various poses. If your dog is ugly, do not even bother. No one wants to see that mangy little fuck.

So basically you get the idea. Talk about absolutely anything but the weather. Fuck, I would rather be talking about Afghanistan than this nonsense.

Text or call if you need ideas. That is what I am here for.


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