Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Love the Dress, Hate Her

Award shows are perhaps the dullest invention of all time (with the exceptions of CNN, Natalie Portman and Dave Matthews Band).
They last for HOURS on end. By the time I am a half hour into the show, I have already clocked in a solid 15 minute power nap, 100 push-ups and consumed a whole bag of Smartfood. It is always a bunch of people I have never seen or heard of making speeches about God or their kids or some other nonsense like that. Yeah, we have heard it before. Keep it moving, pooper scooper.
They leave all of the awards that people actually give a fuck about for the end. We do not even see George Clooney until the last five minutes of the show. By this time I am already fast asleep (teddy bear in hand, night light shining), dreaming of a world where Chihuahuas can talk and speak their mind and no one is allowed to discuss the show Game of Thrones in front of me...ever.
In a nut shell, award shows are stupid (as I have mentioned before). However, the red carpet is a beautiful, magical place where all of our dreams come true. The red carpet is a world where things make sense. It is a world where people can engage in thought-provoking conversations.
This is a crowd of intellectuals, indeed, a meeting of the minds if you so please. So often we find ourselves slipping into old routines of not caring about whether or not someone is wearing Dior or Dolce & Gabanna. I see it happen all too often. People do not even recognize how harmful and hurtful their ignorance can be to those more fortunate than them.  

The red carpet also reminds us that we must never allow ourselves to forget to ask the big questions, the important questions.

What is an Oreo cookie? What is a Nutter Butter? What is the meaning of life? Sofia Vergara poses many questions that have yet to be fully answered. After all, we do not quite yet know what an Oreo essentially is in the the truest sense of the word. Probably a cookie, possibly a sex toy. We are still looking into it.

The red carpet also teaches us valuable lessons about modesty. One should always be humble. After all, it is what is on the inside that matters most.
Katy Perry is known for her big boo--I mean, big heart. Just look at the woman. She has a heart of gold and even some necklaces to match it. 

The world has been cruel to these people. These ugly, pitiful commoners made it to the top because of hard work and dedication.
No, YOU, Jen. It's all about YOU! Let's celebrate their success. They deserve it.

Ugh, look at this sight. I know what you are thinking. Is this not the homeliest couple you have ever laid your eyes on or what? Okay, I am being mean. I really am just happy that Naomi Watts finally found someone who could love her for her... and could ignore that equine face. It is not her fault she was born with a bad case of the uglies. Ugly people deserve love too. Right?

Finally, this brings me to the Emmys. Award season is starting, my fellow biddies. Some people are lookin' hot and some are lookin' like snot. Here are my choices for the best dressed at the 2013 Emmys and the worst dressed.

Worst Dressed:

Aaron Paul
I am not even going to mention the plebeian that is standing next to him. She is absolutely insufferable. I mean, who does she think she is? With that face and that dress... and that hair... UGH. Anyways, I digress. Aaron Paul showed up to the Emmys looking ALL sorts of wrong. How did someone let him leave the house wearing that suit? Okay, I get it, he was trying to take a risk and make a statement but come on...you look like an absolute freak. I do not think anyone can stop talking about this guy's outfit. Forget about Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul will always be known as the guy who work that black suit. *shaking my head* It is a sad truth.

Best Dressed:

Lena Dunham

YEAH! That's Lena Dunham!! I almost did not recognize her because she was actually wearing clothes. Who'da thunk it? All night Lena had to remind everyone of who she was until finally she said, "Fuck it," and ripped off her dress to reveal the boobs that every Girls viewer has become all too well acquainted with for the past two years. "Ah, yes, Lena Dunham. Now we recognize you," the crowd said in unison. To be honest, this dress is absolutely a disaster. I just thought I'd throw the girl a bone for actually putting something on. A loin cloth, however, would have sufficed.

Love ya bitches!


No comments:

Post a Comment