Monday, October 7, 2013

An Idiot Abroad

I have a new concept for you, Ricky Gervais. Or, rather, I have a new subject for the next season of the show An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington, you have met your match. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.
Many have contributed to Justin Bieber's quest for ultimate stupidity but there are far too many people for him to name (or he just can not remember who you are). However, at the end of the day, it was his hard work and dedication to stupidity that allowed him to work his way up to be the top. He has truly proven himself King of the idiots, the lord of the numb nuts and the prince of the poop heads. Bravo, Brava, etc, etc.

You may be wondering: Young Biddy Queen, why the sudden interest in Justin Bieber's imbecility? And you are smart for posing this question. The secret has been out for a long time that the dick head does not have two brain cells to his name. Case and point:
The first time I watched this video I tried to give Bieber the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it was the Aussie accent that threw him off, I thought. But then I realized that we see Biebs read the word "German" off of the cue card and he STILL does not know what it is. Newsflash Biebs, we actually do use that word in the states Bieber. That's like a country and shit...a very popular one in fact. Lol?

At first I thought Justin Bieber's stupidity was harmless but when you give an idiot much more credit than they deserve, they turn into something very, very monstrous. They turn into what is formerly referred to as a "douchey idiot."

From spitting on fans to treating Selena Gomez like his bottom bitch, it has become abundantly clear that Justin Bieber has long evolved from being just some dumb canadian kid whining "Baby" on the streets of Toronto. The Bieber fever is now more like a fatal epidemic. It has devastated populations for years now. A whole town in Nebraska was wiped out. The number of casualties keeps rising throughout the country and now, more than ever, all over the WORLD.

While perusing through my usual trash news, I found this cute little article:

The Great Bieber gets carried over the Great Wall of China? I have asked this once and I will ask it again:
Okay, I will admit it, I think I am a little bit jealous of Bieber's connections. Goddammit I can NOT even tell you how many times I wish I could just be carried around on someone's shoulders wherever I needed to go. A shoulder ride to class would be nice once in a while or maybe up the stairs every so often. And for the love of God, would it kill someone to give me a lift to the bathroom every now and then? People are so selfish. I could pull their hair when I wanted them to slow the breaks and say, "giddy up," when they needed to hurry the fuck up. I even think I have a whip that I bought in Provincetown on my Fifth grade whale watch trip in my closet. That should keep them in line.

Although I dream of these luxuries, Bieber, do you want to know the real difference between us?
(Yeah and maybe I do not have a group of minions who would do this for me but that is neither here nor there).

I am a biddy with true dignity and class. I am a biddy with integrity and strength. I am the WALKING biddy. The biddy of the people, if you will. For even though I am the Queen, I still find time in my day to walk amongst the plebeians and common folk.

I believe Bieber should have his own travel show, like Karl Pilkington. However, the boy should not have to lift a damn finger. Everything should be done for him! For he is the Great Bieber and we are but his loyal servants. The show will feature his people carrying him through various landmarks like the  Grand Canyon, for instance. They will hand feed him chocolates in Switzerland, smoke pot for him in Amsterdam and fuck French prostitutes for him in France. Do not worry about an absolute thing Biebs.
Just sit back, relax and let us all soak in your stupidity to the fullest extent. Most importantly, let us all be proud to call ourselves Americans... and not Canadians. For this is a very, very beautiful thing.

Have a lovely week.


P.S. They say the only cure for Bieber fever is more Bieber but, folks, I would like to remind you that death is always an option too. Just sayin'.

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