Saturday, October 19, 2013

Emma Roberts: The True American Horror Story

The cat is out of the bag. I watch American Horror Story and I am damn proud of it. At first I poo-pooed the show because I figured I had Pretty Little Liars to fill my "stupid/scary" TV show fix. However, I soon grew weary of the never-ending web of nonsense that ABC Family continues even to this day. For instance, we have been watching this goddamn show for three years and we still have no fucking idea who A is.
Yeah, Han. We are told something new every other minute and quite frankly I am quite sick of you guys toying with our emotions. Not only this but Spencer is probably one of the most annoying characters on television ever created. The pure distaste for this specific little liar was the last straw.

I watched the first two seasons of American Horror Story and can say with full certainty that there was not one episode where I did not shit my pants at least once.
...and usually once at least during just the opening theme song. That music is just so gosh dung creepy.

Many expressed quite a distaste for the second season but I have only one thing to say to those ignorant biddtrons.
Who cares if there were a million and one things going on last season? This is fucking TELEVISION and anything goes. If you want something logical and high brow then go ahead and pop in your old Spice World VHS tape. I was under the impression that if I am shitting my pants, the show is doing it right. Pants shat, therefore job was complete.

I am a little skeptical about this new season. So far we have only seen two episodes so I am not going to jump to any hasty conclusions yet! There are some things working for this season. First of all, Jessica Lange is a bad ass mother fucker, per usual. She continues to be the hottest older lady on television, without a question.
...but no, Jessica, you are so much more than that. Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely, one hundred percent, ob-freaking-sessed with Ms. Lange and all of her royal biddyness. You will never hear me tell you to do this for anyone else besides me again but bow the FUCK down bitches.

Kathy Bates is also a new addition to the show and I appreciate her very much. 
And we love you. I mean, we love YOU, but Madame Lalaurie was kind of a huge sadistic cunt, to put it delicately. That being said, the first few minutes of the first episode were incredibly uncomfortable to watch.
 Seriously, no one does crazy better than Kathy Bates (except maybe me...).

Okay so enough of all this praise and shit. Now it is time to get to the steak and potatoes. Emma Roberts.
I am going to go ahead and answer that question with another question: what the fuck didn't you do? Emma reached her prime when she was still on the show Unfabulous. Yes, I watched that show and it was not half bad. I think we could all agree that it was the cool alternative (for some time) to Zooey 101. But as time has passed and Jamie Lynn Spears got all pregnant and shit, it became clear who the cooler new Nickelodeon star was. Emma Roberts was left in the dust. Not even nepotism could dig her out of this hole.
But Emma Roberts refuses to take the hint. She has been showing her face in movies for years now. She was in that mental hospital movie. I forget what it was called but it was with the people with the faces and the hair...who the fuck even knows but it sucked.

 For some time all was quiet on the Emma Roberts front but now... here comes the storm. Her presence on the new season of American Horror Story has been haunting my life. Here we had a really great show that I thoroughly enjoyed and then she shows up. It is kind of like when you are eating a really good plate of food at a restaurant and then all of a sudden you find a huge, curly pubic hair in it.
 Everything is spoiled and the dish will never be delicious again.

And yeah, I get it, your aunt is Julia Roberts and blah blah blah, but... newsflash: she is annoying as fuck too. Emma, your acting is insufferable and your voice is oppressive. 

The thing I fear the most about this season, is that Emma Roberts will scare every single person away from watching the show altogether.
Empty promises, indeed. Emma Roberts, you are that big, curly pubic hair and that is all you will ever be.

 FX, you would have been better off casting me as Madison. I would make a pretty badass witch if I do say so myself. I mean, I was one for Halloween at least six times. That should give me some kind of street cred. I mean, come on, get real.


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