Sunday, February 24, 2013

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Best of Times...

There is something you must learn now if you did not know already. You absolutely can not keep a good biddy down. It is just a fact. Abuse her or misuse her but a good biddy will dry her biddy tears,  grow her biddy wings again, find your car... and key the shit out of it. No, we are not crazy...just emotional.
 Then, directly after keying said car (you know, the one you pretended was so hot and manly, but really looks like a little vagina on wheels) take to your blog. There is no better remedy than trash talk and mindless babble. It will fix any biddy ailment, anytime, anywhere...guaranteed.

Just let it all out...
When all else fails, there is always a bottle of wine and any guy on your contact list who is DTF. I suggest the mass text "Hey, what r u doin? :)" See who bites the bait, if you will.

In the news lately I have been reading about a lot of misguided biddies. Biddies who took the turn for the worst, if you will. I read an article about a kindergarten teacher who (with the help of the school nurse) tried to hire a hit man to kill her ex-husband. Turns out the hit man was actually an undercover cop (ugh, I HATE when that happens). Biddies near and far, please hear this if not anything else: no man is ever worth your jail time. Kill him with your words, not with guns. (Voodoo dolls work too). If only she had read my words of wisdom before she had gone all coo-coo crazy on us. Another biddy lost.
Another thing we must be aware of during this trying time is your inevitable attraction to Taylor Swift's music. It is an embarrassing thing we have all faced. Do not feel alone. At the same time, you must resist the urge to play this distasteful nonsense. You may think posting lyrics of "Picture to Burn" to your Facebook profile is a good idea but trust me when I say you are wrong. T-Swift is a disease, and you absolutely must protect yourself from her and all that she does.

Okay so, you might be wondering why I made the title of this post "It was the best of times, it was the best of times." The entire post is clearly talking about distress and adversity. You know, boys ruining lives and what not. The truth is, I actually began this post with a very different title. Instead, I wrote "It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times." However, I soon realized how untrue that really was. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hopeless you feel, things are never half as bad as they seem. We all feel broken from time to time but that is not a tragedy. It was Leonard Cohen that said "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." There will be light, there always is. And if you can not see it just yet, give it some time to seep in through the holes.

Sorry to get all deep on your asses. Whatever. Sue me.

Love you all,

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