Sunday, March 3, 2013

Wrap That Shit Up

I am talking about movies. Ya know, film and shit. I have always had a very personal appreciation for film which I can attribute to my mother's unique way of raising me and my siblings concerning the movies. My mother had one lesson and one lesson only: it is not about quality, it is about quantity. Yeah, you read correctly. The success of the trip to the movie theatre can solely be judged on the number of movies you managed to sneak into. If you managed to sneak into four or five, you have done her proud. If you only managed to sneak into three films, you had an average day at the movies. However, if you only caught one or two, do not even bother showing your face at home at the end of the day. We were taught all of the strategies and tactics to outsmart even the slickest of the movie theatre workers. We were, in my humble opinion, unstoppable.

This all happened back in the days of all the great films.  I'm talking about the movie Flubber, of course.
Best movie I ever snuck into, hands down. But now, times are different. I do not have the time or the balls (and I am definitely not cute enough to get away with such things anymore). Now, I am forced to watch movies illegally online. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

In case you were wondering, it was the Oscars that sparked my sudden introspection concerning film. I have a few thoughts about last Sunday evening. First of all, it was the first time I have ever watched the whole thing from start to finish. Holy hell, it is one long ass event.
Bitches be talkin about shit that no one even cares about! And it is ALWAYS the people who you have never even heard of in your life who give the longest acceptance speeches.
Like, I think it is cool you won an award and everything and I am sure you deserved it but I don't really want to hear you gabbing for 20 minutes. If you are not an actor, you do not exist in my world... na mean? My second thought was about Anne Hathaway's acceptance speech. Let's be real here, we all know she has been rehearsing that shit in front of her mirror ever since The Princess Diaries. She is just... the...absolute...worst.
That's all I will say about Anne Hathaway because I feel like the general population has torn her apart enough. I will cut her a little break this time and not talk about her pointy boob-ed dress and just leave it up to the universe to hate on her. That works just fine for me.

My third thought was, what the hell are these movies?? I think I saw maybe two of them. I was waiting for them to announce Pitch Perfect for best motion picture of the year but nope. They didn't even get a nomination or an honorable mention. Nothing. Aca-fuck you, academy!
Selfish and disgusting.

My fourth thought was the fact that I had no thoughts on the host of the evening. I was not offended, I was not unoffended. I didn't laugh but I didn't not laugh. Does anyone know what I am saying? The fact that people had any sort of criticism of Seth MacFarlane is amazing to me. The boob song was hardly what I would consider controversial. Lena Dunham and Jane Fonda deserve an applause for caring enough to interject with some kind of feminist retort to that. It was pretty whatever.
My fifth and final thought, or question rather, about the Oscars was... where the FUCK was Ryan Gosling? I felt abandoned. Ry, why you gotta hit it and quit it like that?

It's okay, I still love you. You know I'm a ride or die kinda chica.

At the end of the day, the Oscars taught me an important lesson about film.  We do not need the academy to tell us what is good. Most of my favorite movies of all time were never even nominated for awards. Awards are for movie snobs and movie snobs are the WORST kind of folk. Please, tell me which movies should move me. Tell me which movies I should like and how I should feel when I watch them. I say, FUCK YOU! We can not forget the real greats. Do not forget the trash. You must never, and I mean never, forget the way Spy Kids 3-D changed your life.

And most importantly, I will never forget my mom's lesson. It is not about whether or not the movie was bad or good, it is about whether or not it was free. Because if it was free, it is an Oscar winner in my book.

Suck on that Anne Hathaway.

Love you bitches.


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