Saturday, July 19, 2014

When A Biddy Gets Blocked

I am quite of ashamed and disgusted with myself. It has been nearly a month since my last post and here I have the absolute nerve to even show my face in the biddy universe again. I am asking, nay, begging for your forgiveness. I humbly ask that you allow me to keep my title as queen of the Biddyverse.
The truth of the matter is, I have a very valid excuse as to why I have not been doing my usual ranting and bitching over the interwebs. In addition, if it helps matters, I still have been keeping up my badmouthing and biddy queen duties outside of the cyber world (ya know, like, the real world). Do not get it twisted though, I am as real, raw and relentless as ever.
Biddy block has been a big issue for me this past month. It is a real condition that affects over eighty percent of the biddy population. Maya Angelou had it and I even read that Ernest Hemingway battled it in a big way (along with, ya know, impotency and just general chauvinistic douchebaggery). It is an ailment that disables biddies in all walks of life from reaching their bitching potential on their respective blogs (or books, for that matter). There are various remedies to this paralyzing plague of epic destruction.

The first remedy: A delicious grapefruit
There is absolutely nothing that can lift your spirits and your vitamin intake like a decadent grapefruit. Juicy, elegant and bold in everything that it does, grapefruits are the ultimate biddy rejuvenator. I had gone weeks without eating this magical fruit and, let me tell you, I paid the piper. They have gone out of season and, sadly, out of my life. It was not until this week when I was given one by one of my loyal biddy minions, that I finally BEGAN to feel like myself again. I am finally starting to feel alive and free. The grapefruit shampoo was just not enough to get me through this dark time of grapefruit off-season.

The second remedy: the whole first season of Buckwild

This may sound arbitrary and excessive and well, it is. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I binge-watched the whole first season of Buckwild, just to get my blood pumping and lady juices flowing (that sounds disgusting...and awesome). Young Americans with nothing but a bag of potato chips and a shit ton of tarp to do slip-and-slide on will make you see Jesus (...or at least kill a lot of time on a Saturday).

The third remedy: self-loathing

So, after you finish the entire season of Buckwild, you will be faced with the inevitable feeling of self-loathing because... you just watched an entire fucking season of Buckwild. This wave of self-loathing is one far worse than any gallon of ice cream can handle. This is a job that only a biddy blog can fulfill. It is the only place where you can make sense of the atrocity that you just committed...the absolute only way. (Plus you are probably grieving the loss of the late cast member Shain).

The fourth (and final remedy): listen to Party in the USA at least twenty times on repeat.

This final step is crucial. Miley just has a way of reminding us of what is important in life. She is my friend, my teacher, my guide and my pet.

As you can all see, I am trying to wipe this rust off of my biddy crown and get things back on track. Please forgive me for my sins.

Love you bitches!


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