Sunday, July 14, 2013

Pretty Sexy Liars

Lies. We all tell them from time to time. Some small, some large, some cute and some not so cute. But at the end of the day one must come to the same sad conclusion that we are all liars. However, we are not all very good ones, or pretty sexy ones...but liars nonetheless.
As a child I lied about pretty much everything. There were two lies that I frequently told and to this day it is a serious miracle that my parents were not reported to child protective services. The first one I told was that I had an older brother who my mom killed and buried in the basement. You know, just your typical harmless white lie. We gave him the proper burial he deserved and everything (I'm not an monster!) It was just his time to go apparently.
The other lie that I loved to tell was that we had a dog that we kept in the closet and only fed once a day. "But what about barking?" my friends would inquire. "Oh, this one does not bark...or move." The weird part is that no one questioned this. Apparently no one found this cruel or unusual to keep a live dog in a small closet all day long? I like to think that I, the young biddy queen, was conducting somewhat of a social experiment. Everyone failed. I am judging YOU guys, quite frankly.
It was almost instinctual for me to lie. Part of me thinks I did it because some delusional part of me thought if I lied it, it would come true... wish fulfillment if you will. Another part of me was just bored and had nothing interesting to watch on television (The episode of Clarissa Explains It All that I was watching was over or something) or I was sick of having my barbie dolls make out with each other. Just when I thought I had everyone wrapped around my lying finger, my Kindergarten teacher Ms. Rose exposed me.
So I may or may not have lied and said I had an imaginary younger sister named Sarah. That's neither here nor there. It was not her place to tell my mom about it. If a lil biddy wants an imaginary sister named Sarah, then fucking let her have the imaginary sister DAMMIT.

Anyways, enough about me. Let's get the shit here. I have compiled a list of my favorite liars of all time. The best, the boldest, the prettiest and the sexiest.

1) Bill Clinton
There are two reasons why I absolutely love Bill Clinton as a liar. First of all, to continue lying with such authority and conviction after you were pretty much caught red-handed is fucking hilarious and BALLER.
If you are going to lie, you might as well commit to it. The second reason why Bill Clinton is among my favorite lying biddies is that blow jay lies are the best kind of lies. Especially blow jays that end in skeet all over a dress. I am sorry, but who blows their load all over a dress and does not think to clean it up?
Control your skeet my good hoes. Control it.

...and also... be proud of your blow jays. Hold your head up with dignity and pride that you received one, Bill, because Hilary sure as hell is not gobbling that knob anytime in the near future.

2. Bernie Madoff
Yeah, I said it. Bernie Madoff is another favorite of mine. Anyone who steals from the rich is a fucking bad ass mother fucker in my book. Yeah, maybe he is a little bit of a sociopath...but then again, who isn't these days? Anyone who is stealing from greedy, dumb, rich people is my biddy of mine. What a fucking G.
Too bad he got caught and is in jail now and shit. Lol.

3. Pinochio
This ho is a liar that we all know and love. The thing that sucks for him is everyone knows when he is lying... not only that but he needs a massive nose job. Not cute. Not cute at all.

Anyways, I like these three biddies very much and I think you get the jist. Embrace your lies, people. And more importantly, embrace the liar. The bottom line is that most people can not handle the truth anyways. Maybe one day when they are grown up and mature, but until then let's just keep it classy...

Favorite Liar Honorable Mentions:

My ex
My psychiatrist
My dog


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