...it would sing Coldplay. The queefs would belt the words of "Yellow" and "Viva la Vida," bringing tears to your eyes and vomit to your mouth...as Coldplay always does.
Today, I raise an important issue. This is an issue that has always been critical in my life. Growing up in Westchester around a lot of ignorant, upper-class white kids has always been rather confusing. Rich, white Westchester people seem to have a language that only rich, white, Westchester people can understand. As someone who is somewhat of an outsider to this "culture," so to speak, it took some time to fully understand just what these shit dicks were speaking of. Specifically, their music choices, choices that I have found both disturbing and disgusting.
Then there is a beast of a different nature. That beast is called Dave Matthews Band. Dave Matthews Band is a disease somewhat comparable to Taylor Swift. In some ways, the Dave disease is a lot more dangerous and perilous. I hope you do not mind me referring to him on a first name basis, his fans seem to think it is appropriate and...totally not confusing.
That's like me saying, "I'm gonna go see Nick," when I saw the musical geniuses that ARE the Jonas Brothers in concert. Despite what I may say sometimes, Nick Jonas and I are not on a first name basis... and I think it is a fair assumption for me to make that most likely none of you idiots know Dave Matthews personally. He doesn't know your name. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you.
...and, no, if Dave is anything like Nick Jonas, he will not give you a vile of his urine for "scientific purposes." Believe me, I have tried.
Dave's raw and powerful quotes about life can be seen on every single shit dicks "About Me" on Facebook. Or perhaps, if you so please, you may just take a gander at my Senior Yearbook. Weirdly enough, every single graduate in my year had the same thought! Again and again we were reminded for nearly twenty pages that "Life is short but sweet for certain."
Also, one more thing, Dave wants you to "Take what you can from your dreams, make them real as anything." Make sure you do that. This kind of reminds me of that quote from my fourth grade class "Reach for the moon, even if you miss, you will and amongst the stars." So fucking true.
Basically, think back and try to remember every cliche line you have ever heard. Dave probably said it. (And if it was not Dave, then you probably read it in The Perks of Being A Wallflower).
Some other honorable mentions are: Jack Johnson, John Mayer and Jason Maraz. They are a disgrace to J names everywhere.
Questions, I pose them:
How does Jack Johnson not bore himself to sleep while singing his own music?
Now, time for a little One Direction to lighten the mood. A little 1D, if you will.