Sunday, June 16, 2013

Fuck Juno

But don't actually because that can lead to disgusting things like pregnancy... and I hear that pregnancy typically leads to things like children or something.

But what I am REALLY trying to say is fuck the movie Juno. The people who created the film should be personally thanked by the children/mistakes of teen parents who were a result of misinformed (a.k.a. stupid) high schoolers everywhere watching this movie. Some idiots had to learn the hard way but I am almost positive that your parents will not be as thrilled as Juno's when you inform them that some 80 pound poopface got you pregnant. They will not take part in your witty teen pregnancy jokes and they will probably not allow you to wander over to your future child's adoptive parents house willy-nilly to hook up with the dad. Be prepared for that.
 In fact, it is very possible that upon hearing the news of your spermination, they may attempt to abort mission. I suggest avoiding lingering around staircases. Mom may just go ahead and push ya down, trying to take care of things the good ol' fashioned way. In a nut shell, chances are they will not be too proud. There will not be any parties thrown anytime soon in your honor...
And trust me, after your pregnancy you will not be sitting outside of Michael Cera's house, playing guitar and being happy about life.
My parents would have either locked me in the basement or sent me to a convent. Right now I'd be saying a couple of rosaries and noshing on some eucharist and shit.

MTV has been shamelessly exploiting teenage women and making some serious bank on condom mishaps for years. Perhaps I am just salty because I did not think of the idea first but it all does not seem too kosher. I mean, they are on television for making the mother of all high school boo-boos. In a time where we have access to these masterpieces like 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, the public perception of teen pregnancy has become more fucked up and complicated.
On one hand, many watch the show to make themselves feel better about their shitty, mundane (but child-less!) lives. Teen Mom seems to represent, to some, how much worse their lives could have been if the pull-out method proved ineffective that one time. At the end of each episode, the viewer breathes a sigh of relief and thanks God (or whatever) that it is not them.  On the other hand, the public seems to want to glorify these women. We put them on our magazines as if they are some kind of super-star celebrity. Hey girls, look at these women, they got pregnant and then they got famous. You do the math.
"Teen pregnancy is now my ticket to Hollywood?" some dumb biddies ask themselves. They envision red carpets, Academy Awards and their name in lights."...and the award for the most troubled teen mom goes to..."

Roll your eyes all that you want at the sentiment but the sad truth is that these dull, uneducated women have led and will lead more economically successful lives than most of us. If that is not a depressing thought, I do not know what is. Where was MTV when I was in high school? I could have used a little exploitation. I am perfectly fertile as far as I know. 

You may be thinking, "Wow, this bitch is mad random with this post." Allow me to explain. My thoughts on the subject were inspired by an article I found which describes a new anti-teen pregnancy ad campaign.

"Unexpected? Most teen pregnancies are."

OMG! Is that? Could that be? Is that really what I THINK it is? A pregnant man?! How painfully shocking. Now here is the anti-pregnancy advertisement that will put an end to all the madness. Nothing kills a teen boner like a photo-shopped picture of a pregnant guy. Right??
My teen boner is still raging. Mission, failed.

I have a better idea. I know just the trick. I submit we take pictures of large, gaping vaginas (taken right after women give birth) and post them everywhere. Every block, every corner, every fucking hallway in the high school should have a picture of a huge vagina. Also, accompanying those enormous vaginas, should be pictures of genital warts. The large, oozing pustules will perform a boner genocide. Killing boners near and any good pustule does.
These pictures will be a constant reminder to teenagers everywhere that if they do not fucking wrap their shit up before they decide to do the nasty, this will be their reality.

Sidenote: I have never actually witnessed a vagina post-birth but... I can only imagine it is not so lovely.

Large, gaping vaginas and oozing pustules...think about it next time you want to skip the condom kids.



1 comment:

  1. Homgirl I LOVE IT.

    Also, sidenote: i have seen a vagina post-birth from doing my clinical hours in labor and delivery... and let me tell you... not good, jgilz, not good.